One of the primary features of any conspiracy theory is the assumption that people are way more competent than they actually are. Like, millions of times more competent than they actually are. All of the celebrities, in addition to their duties as celebrities, are also trafficking children in order to harvest their adrenal glands and are so good at hiding this that no one, including the paparazzi that follow them around all day, has ever found out about it until some randos on the internet made it up and decided it was true. Also they spend a lot of time doing symbolism simply for the sheer joy of getting to "rub it in the faces" of weirdo internet conspiracy theorists. The government is too incompetent to implement a national health care system (because the DMV), but absurdly competent when it comes to faking moon landings, covering up the existence of aliens, and things of that nature.

Yesterday, at a Reopen America rally in Massachusetts (I'll give those of you who did not grow up there a moment for gasping), a speaker went on a rant about how the pandemic was a hoax created "to turn the United States of America into the United Socialist States of America."

This sentiment has been expressed by many on the Right, and now seems like an appropriate time to address their concerns.

Let's all think about this for a moment, shall we? Socialists couldn't get Bernie Sanders the Democratic nomination. We can't even convince most Democrats that socialized healthcare is a good idea. But we're getting it together to get the whole world to fake a pandemic in order to make the United States a socialist country? Really? How?

I mean, really, who do they think would even be behind this? Who is helping us out? Rich people who are just super mad about how rich they are? The same rich people who would supposedly leave the country if they were taxed more? Doctors? The same doctors who would supposedly stop practicing medicine forever if we switched to a Medicare For All system?

On top of that, we are apparently so connected that China, Italy, and all of Europe voluntarily killed thousands of their own citizens, shut down their own economies, and also pretended there was a pandemic happening just so ... what? We could trick innocent American conservatives into caring about whether other people live or die, and then start implementing our diabolical plan to make sure that everyone has homes, food to eat, a job, enough money to live on, and health care?

I don't quite see us pulling any of that off.

Let me assure you, yelly guys at Reopen America rallies — if socialists had the ability to pull off something like this, if we had all of the support necessary to do this, we would not go right into faking a worldwide pandemic that is killing hundreds of thousands of people. Not least of all because we tend to be pretty anti-people-dying. We would just implement Medicare For All, forgive everyone's student debt, get rid of at-will employment and right-to-work-for-less laws, make sure that every American has sick leave and family leave funded by our unemployment taxes, raise the minimum wage, eliminate Citizens United, and tax the fuck out of some rich people. Any one of those things would be easier to pull off than a world-wide pandemic.

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