On Monday, Rep. Matt Gaetz's wingman/pimp daddy Joel Greenberg will plead guilty to six federal charges including sex trafficking a minor, identity theft, stalking, wire fraud, and conspiracy to bribe a public official. The plea deal obliges Greenberg to spill all the dirty details on the nasty illegal shit he and his buddies got up to — and the FBI will not be Venmo-ing him money for "ice cream" or "tuition" either.

As Greenberg's lawyer Fritz Scheller said a month ago, "I am sure Matt Gaetz is not feeling very comfortable today."

The plea describes Greenberg's "commercial sex act" habit, for which he shelled out $70,000 in less than three years. He admits to having sex with the 17-year-old girl at the center of the trafficking allegations at least seven times before she reached majority and paying her extra to take Ecstasy with him. Which is lawtalk for child rape and distribution of narcotics to a minor.


The former Seminole County tax collector admits that "other men who Greenberg introduced the Minor to engaged in commercial sex acts with the Minor in Greenberg's presence when the Minor was under the age of 18 years old." Which squares with Greenberg's insanely ill-advised attempt to confess his way into a pardon via Roger Stone, in which he admitted that "On more than one occasion, [the Minor] was involved in sexual activities with several of the other girls, the congressman from Florida's First Congressional District and myself."

This walking crime spree used his position as Seminole County Tax Collector to generate fake IDs for himself and swipe used ones for his young "dates," the better to present themselves as old enough to rent a hotel room or drink in a bar. He also financed his cryptocurrency business using taxpayer money, which is apparently still a crime even if you give the money back later. Who knew!

And that's before we even get to the part about him stalking his election opponent and sending letters to his place of employment accusing him of having sex with a minor. (They should tack on an extra 18 months for murder of irony!)

No wonder this criminal mastermind has been asking other inmates for advice on PLEA DEAL, HOW DOES IT GO? according to Politico.

Suffice it to say, Joel Greenberg is a very bad man who is going to jail for a very long time, even with his cooperation agreement.

But let's leave this POS for the moment and turn to reporting from Politico on the federal investigation as it inches ever closer to Matt Gaetz. Apparently, the feds are spending quite a lot of quality time with young women who have spent some less quality time with the congressman, including a college student who dated the then-37-year-old Congressman back in 2018.

Two friends of Gaetz's ex-girlfriend, who is not the 17-year-old, say she is in talks to be a witness for the prosecution but she wants an immunity deal for possible obstruction. And another source familiar with the investigation previously told POLITICO that the alleged sex-trafficking victim was "100 percent" talking to prosecutors about Gaetz, but her level of cooperation or the information she gave is not clear.

The feds have been pursuing this woman for months, including seizing her phone in December, and they appear to have some serious leverage if reports are correct that she may have urged "the Minor" and other witnesses not to cooperate with federal investigators.

The woman grew increasingly concerned with the investigation because she may face obstruction charges after calling the alleged 17-year-old victim and her roommate, who were friends of hers from Central Florida, multiple sources said. The woman suspected that the 17-year-old and her roommate recorded her call perhaps because they were cooperating with the federal government, her friends said. That conversation could have exposed her to an obstruction of justice charge because she was opposed to talking to the feds, the friends said.

"She's worried about being hit with an obstruction charge, and she wants an immunity deal," one of the friends said.

Well, yeah, she very much should be worried. As should her old boyfriend and any other gross dude who engaged in "commercial sex acts" with Greenberg and his pals from SeekingArrangements.com. Because the feds aren't interesting in locking these women up for prostitution. Prosecutors need them to corroborate Greenberg's testimony, since that guy will make an absolutely shit witness — notwithstanding his habit of screenshotting incriminating messages and recording his sins for posterity.

"The first indictment of Joel Greenberg alleges that he falsely accused another man of sex with a minor for his own gain. That man was apparently innocent. So is Congressman Gaetz," blarbled Harlan Hill, the toddler in a trench coat Gaetz hired to do his crisis PR. Which is an excellent line of attack ... right up until the women start testifying about those orgies.

So let's all raise a warm glass of Maalox to House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who just finished a week where he booted a high profile female congresswoman out of leadership, ignored another member of his caucus stalking her colleague, and watched multiple members pretend the January 6 Insurrection was just a fun tourist holiday. And next week's gonna be even better!

Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of guys.

[Plea Agreement / Politico]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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