And Now For Something Completely Different, The President's Brain Is Broken
News of Brett Kavanaugh's latest sexual assault allegation and Donald Trump conducting war policy on Saudi Prince Mohamnmad Bone Saw's orders and Trump deporting sick kids so they can die gettin' you down? Take a five-minute break to laugh at the president for being a fucking buffoon! Sure, you won't feel "better" afterward, but that's because feeling better doesn't exist anymore.
Anyway, what in the entire fuck is this?
....for the privilege of being your President - and doing the best job that has been done in many decades. I am far… https://t.co/nTC7CwIXDG— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump)1568642474.0
"These Radical Left Democrats are CRAZY! Obama Netflix?" the president asks, like he is a normal person asking a normal question that other people are also asking. "OBAMA NETFLIX?!?!?!?!"
....work that way. I have a better idea. Look at the Obama Book Deal, or the ridiculous Netflix deal. Then look at… https://t.co/kSm56TcQRw— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump)1568631798.0
SOMEBODY'S a Jealous Janet today! Instead of investigating the obvious reality that for Donald Trump, the presidency is little more than an elaborate grifting scheme, he just really wants the House Judiciary Committee to investigate ... the fact that Barack Obama got a big book deal, because he's the most recent former president and one of the most admired men in the world? And also that Barack and Michelle Obama (most admired woman in the world) inked a deal to produce documentaries with Netflix?
What does the president think Congress would investigate about those things, were Congress to drop everything and follow the bouncing ball of the president's ball-shrinking insecurities and hallucinations?
Nah, fuck it, he's just jealous. His entire presidency is predicated around the notion of erasing Barack Obama, and dagnabbit, his erasable Sharpie ISN'T WORKING. He's upset because the Obamas probably have more cash on hand than he does, and they clearly are better at Art Of The Deal-ing than he is, because he is a shitmouthed chickenshit loser who's bad at money and bad at deals. Let's not try to analyze the empty abyss of Trump's skull cavity any further.
By the way, the Obamas' first film, American Factory, is indeed on Netflix right now. You should watch it, if you want, and every time you hit pause, you should say "OBAMA NETFLIX?" to your cat, but don't say it too loud or your neighbors might call the police to do a welfare check at your house.
Want more head-shaking batshittery from Donald Trump, whose brain is just obviously in fine form these days? What flavor do you want first? Do you want "Donald Trump is bizarrely obsessed with Elton John's crowd sizes and always begs his aides to tell him if he beat Elton John's crowd sizes, and he craves Elton John's approval, and also Trump had a really cool moment with Kim Jong Un when he 'splained that his 'Rocket Man' nickname was an Elton John song, which is a very cool song, and Donald Trump sent Kim an Elton John record, because that is awesome, and Donald Trump loves Elton John and has seen the Rocketman documentary about Elton John and loves it very much, but Elton John always tells Trump to fuck off, which hurts the president right in the weird chest-y area where a regular man's heart would be"?
Because the New York Times has that.
If you'll remember, last year, Trump said this at a Montana rally:
"I have broken more Elton John records. He seems to have a lot of records," Mr. Trump said. "And I, by the way, I don't have a musical instrument. I don't have a guitar or an organ. No organ. Elton has an organ. And lots of other people helping. No, we've broken a lot of records. We've broken virtually every record."
NO ORGAN! NO ORGAN! ELTON JOHN HAS THE ORGAN!
Perhaps you'd like a different flavor of Trump batshit. Perhaps you'd like to hear about how every time Trump goes to the G7 (and probably the G20 and maybe even every time he sits on the toilet by himself) he tells the SAME EXACT DAMN FUCKING STORY about ... how he had a really cool moment with Kim Jong Un when he 'splained that his 'Rocket Man' nickname was an Elton John song, which is a very cool song, and Donald Trump sent Kim an Elton John record, because that is awesome, and Donald Trump loves Elton John very much, and also loves Kim Jong Un, who is a brutal dictator, which is also awesome?
Oh wait, that is the same flavor of batshit, from a different angle. According to BuzzFeed's source, Trump literally goes off on this tangent every time and for no reason, and nobody, not even Boris Johnson, knows what the fuck to do about it. And this is how he tells the story, per BuzzFeed's source:
When Trump first met Kim, in Singapore in June last year, the two men talked about the tweets that Trump had posted in 2017, nicknaming the North Korean leader "Little Rocket Man."
In Trump's retelling, during a back and forth exchange about the name calling the two men had engaged in over many months before the meeting in Singapore — "You called me fat… and then you called me this...," — Kim asks Trump why he'd called him that.
"Don't you know Elton John? It's a great song," the president, who is a big fan of the British musician, says.
To which Kim responds, "But you called me 'little.'"
Then comes Trump's punchline: "That's what he didn't like!"
HA HA, MISTER PRESIDENT! Oh boy, you are the funny president who is not at all mentally ill! THE ARISTOCRATS!
We just have one question.
DURRRRR DURRRRRR OBAMA NETFLIX?!
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