If you watch "The Handmaid's Tale" or if you read the book, you know the premise is that a fascist Christian terrorist movement has used a fertility crisis caused by environmental disaster to overthrow America and create the new fascist Christian nation of Gilead, kidnapping the few remaining fertile women and forcing them to be "handmaid" sex and pregnancy slaves to elite families, yadda yadda, new season coming out very soon on Hulu!

Well, in real life, we've had the attempted fascist overthrow by terrorists in support of a Dear Leader, muchly motivated by a desire to make things The Way They Used To Be (for white straight Christians), but it didn't work (yet). And we haven't had the fertility crisis, that we know of, but OH WHAT'S THAT, USUAL SUSPECT TUCKER CARLSON?


Oh my God.

Yes, the graphic says "America's real crisis," because Tucker says our "biggest" health crisis — our biggest one — is "falling testosterone levels, which have completely reshaped our society," and also "falling sperm counts, which may make it impossible to continue the human race." Tucker is worried about the sperm, y'all. And the testosterone. A licensed psychologist could have a field day with this, and so could a Walmart greeter.

It's because of the chemicals, he says. It's very bad, he says.

Tucker's freakout continues with him saying that according to "one scientist, sperm counts in the western world have dropped 59 percent between 1973 and 2011." (The researcher is Shanna Swan, and she is actually a legitimate scientist. Dunno how she feels about Tucker using her work as a springboard to have a spontaneous eruption about sperm, or whether she'd view his eruption as, ahem, premature.) Tucker says, "At this pace, sperm counts will reach zero by 2045."

Because this is Tucker Carlson, we should emphasize that he's freaking out about sperm counts in the western world, and naturally assume that's a euphemism for the white world and that he's freaking out about white sperm counts, because that does seem like the specific thing that would keep Tucker's old balls up at night.

On the TV version of "The Handmaid's Tale," some of the handmaids are Black and brown. We are not certain Tucker would have made the show the same way had he been the producer. We are just saying.

Tucker brings on Dr. Marc Siegel so they can circle jerk about the sperm crisis. You'll remember Siegel was the VERY GOOD FOX NEWS DOCTOR who was legitimately impressed Donald Trump could remember five words in order, as Trump incessantly bragged about for months last year. Trump passed a dementia test, and he could remember five words — "FIRE TRUCK! SHARK! FRAUD! PUSSY! AIRP'ANE!" or something — and Siegel was the guy who interviewed Trump about the dementia test, then went on Fox News to brag about what a good brain Trump had.

Obviously the guy we need to be listening to about sperms or whatever.

"TUCKER, THIS IS A VERY BIG STORY," says Dr. Siegel, who is jizzing MAD about this. But he's not so mad about the chemicals Dr. Swan argues are contributing to declining fertility rates, but about coronavirus lockdowns, which have caused "lockdown libido," and here, please enjoy this quote in its entirety:

SIEGEL: Lockdown libido occurs when everybody is shut down for too long. You know what they do? They gain weight. They get obese. You know what obesity does? Drives down testosterone and sperm counts.

You drink more alcohol. You know what alcohol does? It makes estrogen out of testosterone, your sperm counts drop. Smoking cigarettes, which everyone is doing more and more. Smoking cigarettes drives down sperm counts. Vaping.

And probably the biggest culprit of all, according to reproductive specialists I spoke to tonight, smoking marijuana. Drives down sperm count.

So you're at home, you're not even looking at your your loved one because despair, the depression has replaced romance. There's gonna be no baby bump coming out of this pandemic.

Nobody fucked at all during the lockdowns, apparently. And it was because they were Netflixing and drinking and smoking cigarettes and devil reefer and eating their despairs! And that has upset our Dr. Siegel!

As a matter of fact, the COVID-19 pandemic didn't lead to the baby boom a lot of people joked it would. We don't know if that means couples haven't been doing any fucking at all — bet they did in the early stages of the lockdown, when it felt more like an adventure! — but maybe it means couples have been really good about their birth control, perhaps owing to the uncertainty of having a baby in the middle of a fucking pandemic.

Who knows, though, maybe Dr. Siegel has counted everybody's sperm — like he's the Count on "Sesame Street" collecting dirty gym socks or something LOL — and the lockdowns really did take a toll!

Siegel wasn't done:

SIEGEL: So tonight I do have a message for Shanna Swan. She says [...] my grandfather had three times the amount of a sperm count than I do, and I say more power to my grandfather!

Wait, whose grandfather and how did we count his sperm?

SIEGEL: She says hunters and gatherers from the distant past had sperm counts THROUGH THE CAVE CEILING!

Wow. Hunters and gatherers could get subscribers to pay to watch that!

SIEGEL: But I have a message for Shanna tonight, there's something that I'm dealing with, that my grandfather didn't deal with, and [...] it's LOCKDOWNS! LOCKDOWNS DRIVE DOWN SPERM COUNT, TUCKER!

So this is personal for him, apparently.

And that, folks, is your Tucker Carlson Sperm Report.

If your Fox News-watching Nana calls you yelling about sperm later, this is why.

[Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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