And Now Here's Michael Cohen With Some Holiday Prophecies About His Former Crime Boss!

Michael Cohen was certainly right about one thing. When he said there was no way in hell Donald Trump would provide a peaceful transfer of power to anyone who made him the biggest loser of the 2020 election, he not only nailed it, he was putting it mildly.

Emily Jane Fox did a Vanity Fairinterview with Cohen this week, she being the reporter who knows him best. And Cohen came with some predictions about Trump pardons, and what other legal calamities are coming down the pike for Trump and his crimespawn. We've seen the first big round of pardons from Trump, and they were predictable and predictably disgusting. They also came down just after this interview came out.

Who's next, maybe as soon as tonight? Michael Cohen has some prophecies about that!

Fox had asked if Trump was going to grant a pardon to Steve Bannon, who is indicted, or Rudy Giuliani, who most likely has indictments in his future? Cohen says ... actually maybe not! Let him 'splain why:

COHEN: Will Donald Trump pardon these individuals, which he certainly has the power to do? No. Because the first thing he's evaluating when deciding who to pardon and who not to is: What's in it for me? What you have to understand is that if he pardons Jared Kushner, and it would be considered a pre-pardon because Jared hasn't been accused of any crimes yet, Jared loses his Fifth Amendment right against self incrimination. That means that Jared could be compelled to testify and the questions that will be asked of him will undoubtedly be about Donald Trump. He's now thinking, Wait a minute, if I give this guy a pass to keep his ass out of prison, he may be putting mine in. I'm not so sure he's going to be doing that. He has to really evaluate who could pose problems for him, knowing that the attorney general has the right to his taxes and so does the D.A. in New York, and there will be a multitude of cases coming out of that situation. So the question becomes: if I give someone a pardon, how can that hurt me rather than help me?

We see Cohen's logic there, but we wonder, as we always wonder, if Trump is too stupid to actually grasp legal things like that, or if he assumes Jared and Rudy and whoever else can just go in there and lie to the feds — Trump likes it when people lie to the Feds — and everything will be fine.

Oh well, we'll see! None of last night's pardons really could damage Trump in that way, but Michael Flynn's could at some point.

Cohen also has thoughts about something that's been on our minds a lot lately. Since the idea that a president can pardon his own self seems pretty laughable to pretty much all lawyers and probably all judges, we've been wondering if Trump could get his own ego out of the way to save himself, by stepping down five minutes early to let President Mike Pence pardon him real fast. Is he even able to do that?

Cohen says nope, Trump gonna stomp on his own balls with that one:

COHEN: No. That's not going to happen. First of all, Donald Trump will never step down. Let's go back to his fragile ego. That means he was forced to step down by small, simple people. That tattoos the stamp of loser to his forehead.

See why we are wondering the thing above about how maybe Trump is too stupid to see the ramifications of pardoning Jared and Rudy and all the other co-conspirators, and how it could bite him on the ass? If Cohen is right about this, he's saying Trump is too stupid to get past his own ego and do the one thing that would for sure keep him out of federal prison.

Of course, it doesn't matter, if New York Attorney General Letitia James is coming for his ass. If you'll remember, Michael Cohen has been helping with those investigations. This isn't a prediction from Cohen, but rather him just letting us know how on their game AG James and her pals are:

COHEN: I don't want to discuss with you what the sum and substance of my conversations with [New York investigators] were. That wouldn't be right to jeopardize the potential litigation with him, the children, the Trump Organization. But the one thing that I can tell you about the people I met, about the attorney general or the district attorney's people, is that they're very well prepared. They are locked and loaded with a very specific task: to bring justice to the crimes they have been investigating and that they know are legitimate.

Cohen's mouth to God's ears.

Finally, this is just a fun quote about how to make sure you win against Trump so much you never get sick of winning. Short version: Stay the course, motherfuckers, and don't blink.

COHEN: If you're willing to stick it out, like the A.G. did in the Trump University case, you will hand them a shit pie so gross they will choke on it. Do you know how stupid Trump is on this one? ... You stick it out all the way to the end and then you take them to trial, which I intend to do. And then I'm going to sue them for damages. I'm going to sue them for everything, which is what the lawsuit is all about. With Trump, you can't give up. If you show that first sign of weakness, they'll take advantage.

Fox noted to Cohen that he's a good person to listen to on stuff like this, because "you know the strategy from the inside." He replied, "Know it? I fucking wrote it."

It's so weird to say, but Wonkette hopes Michael Cohen's prophecies come true, and that he has a happy The Holidays, and we don't even say that with our fingers crossed behind our backs while secretly hoping and praying he stubs his toe 50 times on Christmas, the way we do with Paul Manafort and Michael Flynn.

Speaking of Manafort ... if Cohen's right about Trump not wanting to pardon people who can incriminate the holy bejesusfuck out of him ...

Nope, not even gonna hold out hope.


[Vanity Fair]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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