And Robert Mueller Said GET ME ROGER STONE
GOOD MORNING, ROGER STONE GOT INDICTED! THE FEDS CAME AND DRAGGED HIS MISSHAPEN HEAD OFF TO JAIL AT 6AM! So the rest of this day is going to be awesome no matter what. Enjoy this delicious CNN footage of FBI agents in riot gear banging on Stone's door before dawn today.
FBI, WARRANT! OPEN UP! Sweet, sweet music, play it on loop. And make your homescreen a shot of the ten alerts this morning waking you up with the news that Robert Mueller has indicted Roger Stone on seven charges, including obstruction of justice, witness tampering, and lying his ass off so fucking much to Congress!
Now before we get to laughing at Roger Stone, Jerome Corsi, and Randy Credico for being the dumbest bunch of wannabe crimers that ever did conspire to hack an election, let's put the big new thing up here first. Roger Stone had multiple, ongoing contacts with officials from the Trump campaign throughout the entirety of 2016. Here's how Robert Mueller described them in the indictment:
a. On multiple occasions, STONE told senior Trump Campaign officials about materials possessed by Organization 1 and the timing of future releases.
b. On or about October 3, 2016, STONE wrote to a supporter involved with the Trump Campaign, "Spoke to my friend in London last night. The payload is still coming."
c. On or about October 4, 2016, STONE told a high-ranking Trump Campaign official that the head of Organization 1 had a "[s]erious security concern" but would release "a load every week going forward."
Moreover, someone in the campaign -- someone important --was specifically "directed" to coordinate with Stone regarding the subject and timing of future Wikileaks releases of information stolen from the DNC and Hillary Clinton's campaign manager John Podesta.
After the July 22, 2016 release of stolen DNC emails by Organization 1, a senior Trump Campaign official was directed to contact STONE about any additional releases and what other damaging information Organization 1 had regarding the Clinton Campaign.
NO COLLUSION! Or maybe ... COLLUSION! Yeah, probably that one.
The Washington Post reports that the "senior Trump Campaign official" was campaign manager Steve Bannon. It's always the ones you most suspect, right? But DIRECTED BY WHOM????? Would that be "Individual 1" directing Old Three Shirts to coordinate Wikileaks dumps of Russian-hacked DNC emails through Roger Stone? Because even though Stone officially left the campaign in 2015, he and Donald Trump spent the entirety of 2016 naughty talking to each other all night on the phone.
And while we're on the subject, who would the "supporter involved with the Trump Campaign" be? Who was high up enough to be dispatched to deal with Wikileaks, but had no official campaign title. HMMMMMMMM.
IF IT'S WHAT YOU SAY, I LOVE IT, ESPECIALLY LATER IN THE SUMMER.
Okay, back to the chuckleheads. Pro-tip: When you're hatching a plan to cover up evidence, don't do it via email! And if you've been an absolute fucking moron who texted and emailed your pals to coordinate your crimes and then to cover them up, DO NOT tell Congress and the FBI that no such documents exist when they send you a subpoena. Because they're going to figure that shit out.
On or about May 22, 2017, STONE caused a letter to be submitted to HPSCI stating that "Mr. 11 Stone has no documents, records, or electronically stored information, regardless of form, other than those widely available that reasonably could lead to the discovery of any facts within the investigation's publicly-announced parameters."
He told them the same lie in person on September 26, 2017. In fact Stone had extensive correspondence with "Person 1," AKA Jerome Corsi, and "Person 2," AKA Randy Credico, both before and after the election. We've already been through the emails where Stone pumped Corsi for Wikileaks info and cooked up a bullshit story afterwards about a research memo where he "figured out" that Wikileaks was about to dump Clinton campaign manager John Podesta's emails. So weird that the special counsel didn't buy Corsi's story about divine inspiration!
On or about August 2, 2016, Person 1 emailed STONE. Person 1 wrote that he was currently in Europe and planned to return in or around mid-August. Person 1 stated in part, "Word is friend in embassy plans 2 more dumps. One shortly after I'm back. 2nd in Oct. Impact planned to be very damaging." The phrase "friend in embassy" referred to the head of Organization 1. Person 1 added in the same email, "Time to let more than [the Clinton Campaign chairman] to be exposed as in bed w enemy if they are not ready to drop HRC. That appears to be the game hackers are now about. Would not hurt to start suggesting HRC old, memory bad, has stroke – neither he nor she well. I expect that much of next dump focus, setting stage for Foundation debacle."
And lookie here, the Trump campaign got right on that HILLARY DYING message! Heckuva coincidence, no? Almost like they were colluding.
But here's another set of communications between Stone and wingnut radio host Randy Credico that Stone FORGOT to turn over to HPSCI and the FBI.
i. On or about the same day, September 18, 2016, STONE emailed Person 2 an article with allegations against then-candidate Clinton related to her service as Secretary of State. STONE stated, "Please ask [the head of Organization 1] for any State or HRC e-mail from August 10 to August 30—particularly on August 20, 2011 that mention [the subject of the article] or confirm this narrative."
ii. On or about September 19, 2016, STONE texted Person 2 again, writing, "Pass my message . . . to [the head of Organization 1]." Person 2 responded, "I did." On or about September 20, 2016, Person 2 forwarded the request to a friend who was an attorney with the ability to contact the head of Organization 1. Person 2 blind copied STONE on the forwarded email.
Whoopsie! And who would that "attorney with the ability to contact" Jullian Assange be? Betcha The Guardian'sCarol Cadwalladr figures that one out by lunchtime.
Almost immediately after the election, Corsi, Credico, and Stone realized they were in deep shit. Because they'd been bumping uglies with a Russian sock puppet and perhaps coordinating with the Trump campaign to match its messaging with Russian disinformation efforts, and the FBI was hot on their trail. So Corsi set about deleting his emails "to save space," and Stone and Credico put their heads together to concoct a cover story.
On or about January 6, 2017, Person 2 sent STONE an email that had the subject 17 line "Back channel bs." In the email, Person 2 wrote, "Well I have put together timelines and you  said you have a back-channel way back a month before I had [the head of Organization 1] on my show . . . I have never had a conversation with [the head of Organization 1] other than my radio show . . . I have pieced it all together . . .so you may as well tell the truth that you had no back-channel or there's the guy you were talking about early August."
Hey, remember that fun time in July when Robert Mueller indicted a bunch of Russian hackers and talked about Roger Stone's correspondence with GRU sock puppet Guccifer 2.0?
Safe bet "the guy you were talking about early August" when Stone was bragging to every reporter he could pin down that he had the hookup to Wikileaks was a LITERAL ACTUAL RUSSIAN GRU AGENT. Which explains why Stone was desperate to keep Credico from telling HPSCI and the SSCI the particulars of his communications with Assange -- because it would prove that Stone had another source.
e. On multiple occasions, including on or about December 1, 2017, STONE told Person 2 that Person 2 should do a "Frank Pentangeli" before HPSCI in order to avoid contradicting STONE's testimony. Frank Pentangeli is a character in the film The Godfather: Part II, which both STONE and Person 2 had discussed, who testifies before a congressional committee and in that testimony claims not to know critical information that he does in fact know.
f. On or about December 1, 2017, STONE texted Person 2, "And if you turned over anything to the FBI you're a fool." Later that day, Person 2 texted STONE, "You need to amend your testimony before I testify on the 15th." STONE responded, "If you testify you're a fool. Because of tromp I could never get away with a certain [sic] my Fifth Amendment rights but you can. I guarantee you you are the one who gets indicted for perjury if you're stupid enough to testify."
OMG, Benny Hill thinks he's Michael Corleone! Credico did plead the Fifth when subpoenaed by HPSCI in December of 2017, but he continued to correspond with Stone about their deteriorating cover story.
a. On or about December 24, 2017, Person 2 texted STONE, "I met [the head of Organization 1] for f[i]rst time this yea[r] sept 7 . . . docs prove that. . . . You should be honest w fbi . . . there was no back channel . . . be honest." STONE replied approximately two minutes later, "I'm not talking to the FBI and if your smart you won't either."
b. On or about April 9, 2018, STONE wrote in an email to Person 2, "You are a rat. A stoolie. You backstab your friends-run your mouth my lawyers are dying Rip you to shreds." STONE also said he would "take that dog away from you," referring to Person 2's dog. On or about the same day, STONE wrote to Person 2, "I am so ready. Let's get it on. Prepare to die [expletive]."
c. On or about May 21, 2018, Person 2 wrote in an email to STONE, "You should have just been honest with the house Intel committee . . . you've opened yourself up to perjury charges like an idiot." STONE responded, "You are so full of [expletive]. You got nothing. Keep running your mouth and I'll file a bar complaint against your friend [the attorney who had the ability to contact the head of Organization 1]."
Stone is charged with:
- Obstruction of Proceeding for lying to Congress, failing to produce documents, and inducing that moron Credico to either lie or refuse to testify;
- False Statements for lying his ass off when he testified to HPSCI;
- Witness Tampering; and
- Criminal Stupidity by Your Wonkette. Trial date to be set within the week.
And here's the old goat's last Instagram post, from approximately four hours before he got arrested.
The White House was ready with a serious response to the Stone arrest, and it is CNN IS THE REAL COLLUSION.
Yeah, that'll work.
LOCK THEM ALL UP! EXCEPT FOR YOU, ROGER STONE. BECAUSE HAHAHA, YOU'RE ALREADY IN JAIL, ASSHOLE!
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.