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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


First things first: Read Yr Editrix's brutal response to the explosive allegations that FORMER New York AG Eric Schneiderman is a violent drunk who beats women.

New reports suggest that "America's Fucking Mayor" is giving Trump buyers' remorse after spending the last week shoveling shit all over Trump's throne. Amid reports that Trump wants Giuliani to STFU, Giuliani tells Politico, "If I'm not up to it, I don't know who is."

After spending the last week running to everyone with a microphone, the State Department says Rudy Giuliani speaks for himself, not for Trump's administration.

Obsessed with his constitutional inability to make a line-item veto, Trump is demanding asking Congress to gut $25 billion in allocated spending from CHIP and railroads.

Jeff Sessions says Uncle Sam will start kidnapping children from illegal Mexi-can refugees caught trying to sneak across the border as there's a "massive influx of illegal aliens." (There isn't.)

New requirements in the House farm bill would screw old people out of food stamps and SNAP benefits by forcing them to get jobs, or go back to school.

ICYMI: Donald Trump used to be so bankrupt that he said he was more broke than a homeless man on the street but then he started merchandising (because that's where the real money is made) and that's when things got weird. [KC-DC]

A new FOIA request has found that, since last year, Scott Pruitt has been going out of his way to hide public appearances and stifle information to journalists, including spending $3 million on first class travel, lodging, and 24/7 security, because people have said mean things on the Internet, like drawing a mustache on a picture of Pruitt.

Scott Pruitt didn't really give a fuck about an EPA Superfund site in Orange County, California, until conservative loudmouth Hugh Hewitt, an OC resident, emailed Pruitt and set up a dinner with some local lawyers. It's a good thing Hewitt's kid works in the EPA press office, which somehow Hewitt keeps forgetting to mention.

Elizabeth Erin Walsh, a high-ranking Commerce Department official, was led out of the DC HQ on Thursday, and nobody knows why, but the rumor mill says there's an internal investigation into the Trump-nominated former Goldman VP.

The Pentagon would really rather fix its child sex abuse problem by itself instead of letting Congress and journalists muck about in the hundreds of cases it's swept under the rug.

HUD Secretary Ben Carson is facing a lawsuit from fair housing advocates for putting the kibosh on a 2015 rule that required communities to draft desegregation plans.

The NRA has named Oliver North as its new president as they needed someone to sell guns. Here's a quick song about how North took the fall for the Reagan administration during Iran-Contra.

Gina Haspel will square off with the Senate today where she's expected to dodge all that pesky torture stuff.

The giant penis known as Rep. Kevin Brady is hoping poor people don't mind being fucked by the Trump tax cuts (for the super rich).

According to Arizona Republican Sen. Jeff Flake, West Virginia's Republican Senate primary is the shameful white trash shitshow we deserve. #MURICA!

Fox News has gone all-in for Rob DeSantis in Florida's gubernatorial Republican primary, and now some people are crying foul over all the free air-time he's getting.

Utah's Republican-controlled San Juan County is accusing the Navajo Democratic nominee, Willie Grayeyes, of not being a resident and ineligible for an open county commission seat after a failed local Republican candidate started making up shit, and accusing Grayeyes of putting a "drain on the system," adding, “He’s going to want money and a car.

A Florida man is accused of threatening and harassing a private investigator after he called 55 times, left 36 voicemails, texted 67 times and sent 27 emails over a nine day period. Messages included telling the investigator that he was "on his way to the inside of a gator." Spoiler Alert: It's George Zimmerman.

Here's the PG-13 version of Stormy Daniels's forthcoming Penthouse interview that details Trump's peener, "sex hair," and how gay men in Florida gave her $20 to grind Cheetos under her heels while stripping.

Trump is expected to pull out of the JCPOA later today. Yesterday, world leaders made a last minute attempt to change Trump's mind, but "We'll see what happens."

According to a new report, Russian hackers posing as part of the ISIS-linked CyberCaliphate were threatening the wives of US military service members back in 2015.

Comcast is considering a last minute $60 billion cash bid for 21st Century Fox's entertainment assets -- just as Fox was about to sell them to Disney. HOWEVER, the deal hinges on the outcome of the upcoming AT&T and Time Warner merger. The potential hostile takeover comes just as Fox was trying to gobble up UK broadcaster Sky. [Archive]

Melon Trump has announced "Be Best." It is about the children. The children should not sext. "Sexting, don't do it. Boys? No dick pics. It is a new program, not Michelle Obama program. Think of the children, do not do the drugs?

Orrin Hatch thinks John McCain should change his mind and let Trump come to his funeral, even if Trump will probably scoff and belittle McCain's corpse.

Seth Meyers tells Politico that Trump and Michael Cohen tried to demand an on-air apology, and that Meyers thought Trump's candidacy was a "running joke" right up until the end.

Ta-Nehesi Coates has a new essay discussing the meteoric rise and fall of Kanye West, as well as an analysis of how West's ignorant comments have left many in the black community feeling hurt and betrayed.

Here's a long story about how Julian Assange is a manipulative and politically motivated crackpot from a former Wikileaks supporter who took screen grabs of private chats.

AT&T is appealing to SCOTUS amid speculation that the FTC could have the authority to reinstate net neutrality rules.

A software glitch in Uber's self-driving car software counted a cyclist as a "false positive" when it killed her, and now the NTSB is threatening to put the brakes on the companies racing to towards driverless vehicles.

And here's your morning Nice Time! TIGER CUBS AND DOGGOS!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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