And Then Brett Kavanaugh Opened His Tiny Butt-Mouth. Illegitimate Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings Liveblog, DAY TWO!
It's time for day two of that gross blob who eats pasta with ketchup and wants to control your uterus trying to get his-self confirmed for the United States Supreme Court!
Yesterday was absolutely nuts, with the Democrats calmly explaining for hours on end that it's really fucking bad that President Unindicted Co-Conspirator thinks he can pick his own judge, and it's even fucking worse when the White House and the nominee think they get to hide from senators whatever documents they think are embarrassing. And there were the protesters, and there was Brett Kavanaugh snubbing his nasty nose at Fred Guttenberg, who is the father of a Parkland shooting victim.
AND THE QUESTIONING HASN'T EVEN BEGUN YET.
But that starts today! And we shall liveblog again! Catch up on what you missed here if you missed it.
9:23: You ready for a full day of fuckery? WE ARE ... trying! Coffee please enter our Wonka-veins IMMEDIATELY!
9:37: The day's festivities begin with Chuck Grassley 'splaining that yesterday was bad because the Democrats thought they had the right to say words, and would you believe protesters thought they had a right to protest? Is protesting even legal in Trump's America? WERE THEY WORKING WITH THE DEMOCRATS?
Right on cue, when Grassley said "Today is different," a bunch of protesters started screaming at his dumb corncob-loving face.
9:39: Brett Kavanaugh brought his butthole mouth out to play:
9:43: GRASSLEY: If you were the Iowa Butter Cow, would you be willing to have some one-on-one time with me after this hearing?
KAVANAUGH: Balls and strikes!
9:46: Brett Kavanaugh says he knows what it means to join a team of nine judges, because that is like sports, and have you heard about his daughter's youth softball team? Well, they are having a fundraiser right now! Any of you senators interested in buying some wrapping paper?
9:47: KAVANAUGH: All the parts of being a judge are part of being a judge. I am confirmed now???????
9:49: Uh oh, we got a smile!
9:50: Kavanaugh says "nobody is above the law," by which we guess he means except Trump, because have you heard about his daddy issues with executive power?
9:54: In his litany of examples of times the Court was independent and it was a Good Thing, Kavanaugh mentions Richard Nixon, which is interesting considering how he's said in the past that maybe that unanimous decision for SHOW ME THE TAPES perhaps might've been decided wrong, according to the brilliant brain cavity of Brett Kavanaugh.
Then some protesters did LOUD WORDS and Chuck Grassley got mad and accused them of "interrupting the other 300 million people" who were trying to listen to saintly Brett Kavanaugh. Of course, Kavanaugh is polling in the shitter, so we'll guess 200 million of those people are on the protesters' side.
10:01: Chuck Grassley reminds Brett Kavanaugh to be sure not to say his real opinion on Roe v. Wade because that would be IMPROPER JUDGING BEHAVIOR!
10:06: Kavanaugh is listing off things liberals like Ginsburg and Sotomayor and Kagan have said about not telegraphing your feelings on cases, as excuses for why it's right and good for him to hide how he wants to rip Roe v. Wade apart with his butthole mouth. The legal term for Kavanaugh's line of reasoning here is called "some bullshit" or however you say that in Latin.
10:09: Dianne Feinstein begins by saying "sorry about the circumstances" of the hearing, by which we guess she means it would be better if Kavanaugh had never been nominated in the first place.
Her questioning will be about guns and controlling lady parts, which are two of Kavanaugh's favorite things!
10:12: Kavanaugh says he follows "all" precedents, which is why he had to show his judicial love to assault weapons. Hey, somebody ask him about some of the really bad olden timey worst SCOTUS decisions of all time and find out which ones he considers "precedent."
10:18: Brett Kavanaugh affirms that mass shootings at schools are bad, but please do not blame the poor guns.
10:20: OK, we are talking about Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey. He says he agrees with the "precedent," so hooray! (Pfffffffft.)
FEINSTEIN: Fuck you mean when you say Roe is "settled law"? You still want to overturn it, right? You think coathanger abortions are awesome?
KAVANAUGH: I'm going to bullshit you a lot right now, because I understand how "passionate" all you silly ladies are about this stuff.
10:26: FEINSTEIN: Do women have the right to choose?
KAVANAUGH: The Casey decision reaffirmed Roe, which means it is SUPER precedent now! I will have a heavy lift when I try to overturn it, won't I!
10:27: FEINSTEIN: Let's talk about how gross you were back during the Bill Clinton investigations, but now you seem to have magically changed your mind about whether presidents can be investigated.
KAVANAUGH: OK, well, I'm going to split hairs and avoid your question if that's all right with you.
Also, here is a sign with a nice quote from one Brettington J. Kavanaugh (not his real full name), regarding his feelings about presidents being under investigation:
10:30: Kavanaugh says everything changed for him on 9/11, because how can presidents be under investigation during 9/11?
10:33: Kavanaugh says the four best SCOTUS decisions were Marbury v. Madison, Youngstown Steel, Brown v. Board, and U.S. v. Nixon.
Feinstein says ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION, PLEASE.
Kavanaugh does not answer the goddamn question.
10:36: FEINSTEIN: No really, can presidents be subject to subpoenas?
KAVANAUGH: I cannot answer that question because that is a hypothetical, despite how SCOTUS literally said presidents should have to obey subpoenas.
10:40: Increasingly irrelevant and on-his-way-out Orrin Hatch is asking Kavanaugh paint-by-number questions with scripted answers, so if you need to poop, now's a good time.
10:46: Orrin Hatch says Brett Kavanaugh's name never comes up in any of the publicly available reports on the Bush era torture program, so go fuck yourself, and Kavanaugh agrees that go fuck yourself. Of course, Democrats yesterday explained that there's a three and a half-year gap in the documents they've been provided, and weirdly it involves that whole torture-y timeframe!
Hatch's next question is whether Kavanaugh lied during his last confirmation hearings, and Kavanaugh's answer is that nah bro, he told the truth, so again, everybody go fuck yourself.
10:48: HATCH: All your lady clerks love you, how you so hot with the ladies, Brett?
KAVANAUGH: Teach me how to Dougie, teach me teach me how to Dougie ...
This is dumb, NEXT DEMOCRAT PLEASE.
10:52: OK, Brett Kavanaugh, we get it, you are the world's greatest champion of women who are currently not trying to obtain an abortion. Move on, please.
10:58: Brett Kavanaugh says sexual harassment is bad and he ain't never met his former boss and mentor Alex Kozinski, who allegedly sexually harassed all the women.
11:09: Did you fall asleep during Orrin Hatch's questioning about "Chevron deference"? WE MAY HAVE. Anyway, Google it if you want, but getting rid of Chevron is a pet thing for conservatives.
Point is, now Pat Leahy, a Democrat, is asking questions, so it should get more interesting for a bit! And we go directly to "would you change your testimony from your last confirmation hearing, the time you lied like a rug?"
No, he would not.
11:14: LEAHY: Again, did you lie a lot to us during your last confirmation hearing?
KAVANAUGH: Um well kind of, but I'm stickin' with NO!
For good background on what happened back then, check out The Atlantic.
11:20: Here is more good background on memos that were stolen from Democrats back during Dubya's first term, including Senator Pat Leahy (D-SPEAKING AT YOU RIGHT NOW), by staffers for Orrin Hatch (R-SITTING A FEW CHAIRS DOWN FROM LEAHY).
Leahy is grilling Kavanaugh on whether he received information from those stolen emails and then proceeded to lie like a rug about it.
11:30: Chuck Grassley is suddenly very angry about Pat Leahy's line of questioning! He is yelling like an anger monster who is angry!
11:33: Here is the testimony from Kavanaugh's earlier confirmation hearings that is at issue. Is he lying BIGLY or nah? Kavanaugh says this is totally true. Leahy notes that it could be cool if they could verify that by reading ALL THE DOCUMENTS THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE.
11:35: Now Patrick Leahy wants to show us a video of Kavanaugh testifying years ago that he had never heard of the Bush warrantless wiretapping program until he read it in the newspaper. But first, Chuck Grassley must read a statement about how it's very weird to use videos in confirmation hearings, but it's OK THIS TIME, as long as Pat Leahy promises not to pull a switcheroo and show everybody porn. (That may not have been Grassley's exact statement.)
11:42: Oh, here are some good questions!
LEAHY: Is it OK for (Trump) to pardon people in exchange for a bribe?
KAVANAUGH: Hypotheticals that would never happen under angelic President PussGrabs!
LEAHY: Can Trump pardon himself?
KAVANAUGH: I have not looked into that very easy question, so I will not answer it. What do you think I am, some kind of LAWYER?
LEAHY: Can (Trump) pardon somebody if they promise not to flip on him?
KAVANAUGH: I am a mere girls' softball coach!
And now it is time for Lindsey Graham, who has lost his moral compass now that his BFF is dead, so this'll be some bullshit.
11:47: Lindsey Graham would like to apologize to the Kavanaugh girls' softball team for how badly behaved everybody was during day one of the confirmation hearings.
11:51: Brett Kavanaugh knows about real things in the world. He saw a homeless person. He gave them some meals and said hello to them! He knows about how guns murder people. He is very sorry that sometimes his rulings make it easier for people to get shot with guns or become homeless, but sometimes that's just what a conservative Christian judge who follows precedent has to do! If Brett Kavanaugh doesn't hurt people, who will?
11:54: Brett Kavanaugh knows the "N"-word is racism. He wrote a whole opinion about it, which included the history of racism in America. He even cited To Kill A Mockingbird in that opinion!
Brett Kavanaugh literally just said all these things, because Brett Kavanaugh is #Woke.
12:04: Lindsey Graham is now trying to shame Democrats as hypocrites because they are not going to vote overwhelmingly to confirm the giant-headed nominee of President Unindicted Co-Conspirator. He is listing all the wonderful Democrats he voted for, like Kagan and Sotomayor -- whose name he still cannot pronounce apparently -- and saying well GOSHDARNIT, Democrats, elections have consequences!
When Russia helps a brainless criminal reality TV host steal a bare minimum Electoral College victory, how dare you oppose that brainless criminal reality TV host when he tries to select his own judge?
12:06: GRAHAM: Did you talk to your little girls about what happened in yesterday's hearing, and if so, what did you say?
KAVANAUGH: I got special hugs from my girls!
Lindsey Graham is very, very offended that Brett Kavanaugh's daughters had to see democracy so rudely speaking out against their father yesterday. This is not the America Lindsey Graham sees when he looks in the mirror!
12:08: GRAHAM: Do you promise to listen to both sides before you vote to overturn Roe v. Wade?
KAVANAUGH: I will not even stick my fingers in my ears and say "LADIES, AMIRITE?"
12:09: And now Lindsey Graham is asking where Brett Kavanaugh was on 9/11, because that's pertinent.
Personally, I woke up a bit late in my downtown Memphis apartment, so when I turned on the radio (which I never did, so that was weird) the first tower had already come down. I was in sales at the time, so I spent the morning with clients watching the TV.
Hooray, I am on the Supreme Court now, because I answered Lindsey Graham's very important Supreme Court confirmation question! I am playing badminton with my new colleague Ruth Bader Ginsburg after lunch, in fact!
12:13: OK, so this has moved into a discussion of Americans' constitutional rights when they "collaborate with the enemy," and Lindsey Graham is leading the discussion. We think this is funny because LOL Donald Trump, how you feelin' today?
12:15: GRAHAM: How do you want to be remembered when you are a dead guy?
KAVANAUGH: Good judge. Good dad.
DIANNE FEINSTEIN, WE THINK? Good husband!
GRAHAM: Haw haw haw, bet you're glad we reminded you to say "husband," because now you will get to have sex tonight!
KAVANAUGH: Haw haw haw, sex! Also I would like to be remembered as a good girls' softball coach.
It's finally lunchtime, so we get a break from this nonsense.
BACK IN 30!
12:50: And we are back! And we walked out of the room so we don't really know what Dick Durbin is asking about so we are just going to say it is GIVE US THE FUCKING DOCUMENTS and go find some more coffee.
Somebody on the TV just said we might be here until 9:30 tonight, to which we reply maybe YOU will still be here at 9:30 tonight.
12:52: DURBIN: You could stop this document fight right now if you would be a damn man and say hey look, my documents are an open book.
KAVANAUGH: I am a weirdo with preternaturally large hair, so I cannot accede to that request.
12:58: Dick Durbin would like to discuss whether this, from Kavanaugh's 2006 confirmation hearings, was a giant lie:
KAVANAUGH: I stand by my earlier statement, which may have been a lie, who can even say?
1:04: Who here is watching Zina Bash's hands this whole time, just in case she's thinkin' about it?
1:12: DURBIN: "What's the dirtiest, hardest job you've ever had in your life?"
KAVANAUGH: Construction and also carpooling and youth softball coaching and lawn mowing, I cut my mom and dad's yard and then I cut the other yards in the neighborhood. Ooh wee, I had sweat running down my No Chin!
DURBIN: I SLAUGHTERED ANIMALS, I WIN!
Durbin is asking because of this case where a slaughterhouse company abused the fuck out of undocumented immigrants and Trump commuted the sentence of the company owner who was convicted, and notes that when the case was before Kavanaugh, he "bent over backwards" to fuck over the undocumented immigrants and side with the company. Kavanaugh's opinion in the case was a dissent, because apparently the other judges were smarter and less cruel than Kavanaugh.
1:23: Now it is time for John Cornyn to blow words out his ass, so kind of like when Orrin Hatch was questioning, this would be a good time for you to pour a box of wine in your mouth and smoke a cigarette.
1:26: Oh crap, John Cornyn has a bone to pick with Brett Kavanaugh! Just kidding, John Cornyn said he had a bone to pick, and then proceeded to talk about some school prayer fuckshit that did not involve any bones to pick with Brett Kavanaugh.
1:34: While we are very bored watching John Cornyn and Brett Kavanaugh give each other tongue baths, did you guys hear Donald Trump says he has "100" pictures of Robert Mueller and James Comey doing gay mouths to each other? Donald Trump says that.
1:36: John Cornyn just asked Kavanaugh where he was on 9/11, apparently not remembering that Lindsey Graham JUST FUCKING ASKED THAT.
Is this a thing in confirmation hearings now? Do you get a butt pinch from Rudy Giluiani for successfully answering the question?
1:44: John Cornyn is STILL boring everybody, and lots of protesters are yelling, so until a Democrat takes over and livens this shit up, here is a fun article from Gabe Sherman about how Trump is so mad about the Bob Woodward book he refuses to speak to anybody.
Guess he's holed up in the Oval masturbating to his 100 pictures of Comey and Mueller kissing.
1:52: John Cornyn brings up the very true point that sometimes stare decisis isn't actually the best bet, because sometimes the Supreme Court makes bad decisions, like it did in Plessy v. Ferguson. Cornyn is probably just dogwhistling that maybe someday SCOTUS Justices Kavanaugh and Gorsuch can decide that Roe v. Wade is as terrible as a common Plessy, because UNBORNED BABIES IS TREATED SEPARATE AND UNEQUAL.
Cornyn didn't say any of that, and neither did Kavanaugh. We are just following the thoughts inside their brains, allegedly.
1:55: OK, Sheldon Whitehouse, a mean Democrat, is taking his turn, so maybe he will wake us up from this ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
WHITEHOUSE: You gonna take away all the insurance for pre-existing conditions, bro?
KAVANAUGH: I would like to filibuster on this one!
WHITEHOUSE: Oh Jesus fuck.
2:07: WHITEHOUSE: Tell us a little bit more about how you are a wholly owned subsidiary of the Federalist Society, who only picked you because you're a reliable hack for Republican causes.
KAVANAUGH: That is an open secret we are not 'posed to talk about!
2:11: Whitehouse has a visual aid of all the donors, anonymous and otherwise, who bought and paid for Brett Kavanaugh:
Should Americans be concerned about this? That is what Sheldon Whitehouse wants to know.
Is Brett Kavanaugh even a real judge, or is he just the Federalist Society's poolboy? That is also what Sheldon Whitehouse would like to know.
These Democrats are using their 30-minute timeslots to cover an impressive array of subjects!
2:24: Sheldon Whitehouse got his-self another visual aid about how just how owned Kavanaugh is by conservative special interest groups:
All in all, a rather dry conversation between a serious senator and a political hack judge over the influence of dark money on the courts.
And holy crap, the protesters are intensifying their game! We hope their ultimate plan here is to drive Kavanaugh so crazy he says something stupid, but we don't have our hopes up for that.
2:42: Hey, we took a little break and wrote another thing! Did we miss anything? SPOILER NO WE DIDN'T, it is just Mike Lee asking really boring and mostly irrelevant questions about oral arguments and blah blah blah, because after all, the Republicans still have to pretend they're "vetting" the nominee.
2:56: OH MY GOD MIKE LEE IS SO BORING. Quick, guys, take a break, I wrote you a funny blog post about something stupid. Go read that and then come back and hopefully this thing will get better.
COME RIGHT BACK, THOUGH!
3:14: OK, you are back and we are back! Amy Klobuchar still harping on how we can't even possibly know if Brett Kavanaugh's favorite sexxx name for himself is "Brett Kava-NASTY" if we can't READ THOSE FUCKING DOCUMENTS, GODDAMMIT.
And now we will talk about executive power!
3:18: KLOBUCHAR: Would you please answer the goddamn question over whether you think presidents can be subject to investigation?
3:22: KLOBUCHAR: Do you really for real believe that presidents should be able to summarily declare things unconstitutional, even if they are know-nothing morons like Donald Trump?
KAVANAUGH: One mlllion words that mean nothing, comin' right up!
3:29: KLOBUCHAR: I have one million examples of you pulling bullshit out of your ass that seems to argue the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and Social Security and Net Neutrality should be illegal, and in all of these cases your colleagues handed your ass to you and made you eat it.
KAVANAUGH: Do not let the unnatural size of my skull trick you into thinking my brain works good.
3:36: KLOBUCHAR: Hey, pal, we've sat here and listened to jackoffs like you say you're going to honor precedent before, but then they get on the Court and that goes out the damn window. How can we believe you're not the same, considering how Senator Whitehouse explained how you are a wholly owned subsidiary of wingnut special interests?
KAVANAUGH: LOL GUESS YOU CAN'T.
3:45: Oh thank heavens, it is Ted Cruz's turn! First question: Who should be more deported? Ted Cruz, an actual foreign, or Beto O'Rourke, who makes Ted Cruz 'barrassed?
Just kidding, the first question was "tell us what makes a good judge," by which Cruz meant it's Kavanaugh's turn to compliment himself a lot.
Then Ted Cruz just fucking dared to PUT MERRICK GARLAND'S NAME IN HIS FUCKING MOUTH, noting that Garland and Kavanaugh have voted together 93% of the time on the DC Circuit.
Sounds like Ted Cruz just made a good argument for kicking this nincompoop across the Potomac and bringing Garland back!
4:05: Our latest protester had just made an appearance! She is yelling at Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski, who are not actually in the room right now, but that's fine, they are interrupting Ted Cruz and making him mad, which is all that counts.
Kavanaugh is currently making whines about how you can't practice your religious beliefs in the public square anymore, by which he means Christians.
4:20: So, guys, listen up! We've been going for hours and from what we hear, these fuckers are going to go all night. Meanwhile, we predict that if there ARE going to be fireworks, they will come from Cory Booker and Kamala Harris.
Now, because of seniority, that wouldn't happen until HOURS FROM NOW. But there still may be fireworks! So we're gonna put a pin in this for now, and we'll keep an eye out for fireworks later, because we promise you Cory Booker and Kamala Harris are in their bunkbeds right now getting their disco naps so they're ready to fuck up Brett Kavanaugh, who by then will be very tired.
Will we update this post more? MAYBE, MAYBE NOT, DUNNO!
But feel free to stay and watch and call Brett Kavanaugh a nasty motherfucker a whole lot more, because that's what he is.
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