If Donald Trump wasn't a batshit loon with a demented, spittle-flecked lawyer, he probably would have gotten away with this Uranium One redux. There's a tiny kernel of truth to the Ukrainium One smear, inside a giant, grease-soaked popcorn tub of lies. Clearly Hunter Biden was put on the Burisma board not for his international business skills but in hopes that he might provide some cover for the company and its crooked owner Mykola Zlochevsky. Having US allies on your side is a powerful shield in that part of the world. Which is exactly why corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor Yuriy Lutsenko tried to hire Rudy Giuliani, and former Ukrainian president Yuliya Tymoshenko paid former GOP congressman Bob Livingston to lobby Giuliani on her behalf. Everyone knows how this rigged game is played, and no one knows it better than Ol' Roodles.

And Giuliani may be a raving nutbag with a literal zipper problem, but he did manage to get his Turkish and Venezuelan clients' cases directly in front of the State and Justice departments. In contrast, Joe Biden's fuckup son appears to have gotten bupkiss for his guys, probably because his personal life is even messier than Rudy's. But still, if Donald Trump had any chill at all, he could probably have made some serious political hay out of shining a spotlight on Hunter Biden's flaccid attempts at influence-peddling fuckery.


Instead of letting the howler monkeys wage a vicious smear campaign to dirty up his potential opponent and knock a couple points off him in swing states, a strategy that worked with Hillary Clinton, Trump tried to extort Ukraine to gin up false evidence turning Hunter Biden's venality into Joe Biden's criminality. And he allowed his surrogates to veer off the cliff into Alex Jones-level craziness.

Can we just all take a step back here and appreciate that Rudy Giuliani actually believes that American investment behemoth Franklin Templeton laundered $7 billion of stolen Ukrainian assets back into Ukrainian government bonds? Because former Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych, having filched all that cash, thought to himself, "Sure, I could get this money safely out of the country to Cyprus, or Russia, or London, or Miami. But instead I will park it here in Ukraine, where it is totally illiquid and vulnerable to seizure if I get thrown out of office. That'll show 'em!" Okay, Poppy, but what does this have to do with the CIA turnin' the freakin' frogs gay?

This stuff about Adam Schiff being in cahoots with ... well, who the hell even knows, but he's cahootsing with someone because his retirement plan includes Franklin Templeton mutual funds ... is just Gateway Pundit-level moronic. Half the retirement plans in America have Franklin Templeton funds! Besides which, even if Rep. Schiff were trying to goose his portfolio (which wasn't even in the global bond fund, but whatever), FT already liquidated its stake in Ukrainian government bonds.

And that's before you bring in all the shady-ass characters Rudy has been trotting out in his dogged effort to make CRAZY FETCH happen. There is a reason that Pompeo's State Department refused to give corrupt former prosecutor Viktor Shokin a visa to come to the US and "testify" against Joe Biden, and it's that Shokin is sleazy as fuck. Bill Barr will do a lot of crazy, unethical shit for Donald Trump, but even he doesn't want to get involved with Rudy's Biden boondoggle. Imagine entrusting your electoral prospects to Chucklefuckers Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman? This isn't eleven-dimensional chess -- it's rolling on the floor in a pile of your own excrement and pretending it's a high-end beauty treatment. It's LUNACY, and it got Donald Trump impeached.

"Some days it literally does shock me that the only reason Donald Trump is embroiled in this impeachment inquiry is because of the actions he took trying to take down an opponent in the race," senior Biden advisor Symone Sanders told the Washington Post. "That's what the impetus was. Donald Trump only did it because of Joe Biden."

So now Mitch McConnell is headed into a Senate impeachment trial where the absolute best outcome for him is a lightning-quick sham that feints at trying to dirty up Joe Biden without calling any witnesses. Because there aren't any good witnesses for Trump. And Rudy Giuliani can yammer into his Bloody Mary with Olivia Nuzzi, but there is no way on God's green earth that Mitch McConnell will let that guy anywhere near a Senate microphone. Rudy was supposed to secretly feed that "evidence" to John Solomon, not draft it on Trump Hotel stationery, put it in a forged White House envelope, and bust into the State Department like the Kool-Aid Man demanding an audience with Mike Pompeo.

This was supposed to be a perfect political smear. There's a little bit of ugly truth, around which they could have spun a huge web of hard-to-disprove lies the way Peter Schweizer did in 2015 and 2016 with his book "Clinton Cash." Except Trump's an absolute idiot, who overshot by a mile and wound up impeached. And then Rudy's whackadoo antics cut the legs out from under their Biden strategy, and he's too far gone to know it. Shit, even the evangelicals are starting to tap out from this mendacious nonsense.

In summary and in conclusion, they had a decent whisper campaign going until Rudy shouted it through a megaphone and ruined everything. So, hey, thanks Roodles! Keep up the good work!


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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