Andrew Cuomo Can Go F*ck Himself

Former Democratic New York Governor Andrew Cuomo resigned in disgrace last August, and now he’s back to annoy us. He couldn’t even take a full year to consider his many mistakes that ended his political career. Instead, he made his first public appearance at a Brooklyn church Sunday and called out everyone else’s apparent sins. During his campaign-style speech, where he quoted the Bible several times, Cuomo claimed “political sharks” in Albany had “smelled blood” when they investigated multiple sexual harassment charges against him.

PREVIOUSLY: Andrew Cuomo Finally Got The Fuck Out

“The actions against me were prosecutorial misconduct,” Cuomo said, repeating a theme he has pushed from the outset. “They used cancel culture to effectively overturn an election.”

Accountability for the powerful is now “cancel culture?" That’s absurd, but it’s seemingly the theme of the digital and television advertising campaign Cuomo launched last week. The message is clear and unrepentant: he was unfairly driven from office.

Cuomo shamelessly smears New York Attorney General Tish James like a common Donald Trump, but her team conducted a thorough investigation of the allegations from 11 current and former state employees. She showed her work in a 164-page report.

Based on the investigation, and as set forth in greater detail below, we reach the conclusion that the Governor sexually harassed a number of State employees through unwelcome and unwanted touching, as well as by making numerous offensive and sexually suggestive comments. We also conclude that such behavior by the Governor was part of a pattern that extended to his interactions with women outside of State government, and was enabled and facilitated by a culture within the Executive Chamber of secrecy, loyalty to the Governor, and fear, as well as the normalization of inappropriate comments and interactions by the Governor. Finally, we conclude that the Executive Chamber's response to a number of the sexual harassment allegations violated its internal policies and that its response to one complainant's sexual harassment allegation constituted unlawful retaliation.

Cuomo was once New York's attorney general, so he should know it’s not “prosecutorial misconduct” to investigate allegations of wrongdoing. That comes with the job.

PREVIOUSLY: Andrew Cuomo Was Just Workshopping His Gross Dirty Old Boss Routine, For Humorous Japery!

James responded to Cuomo in a salty statement that’s quite simply a work of art. You can almost hear her removing her jewelry before throwing down.

Serial sexual harasser Andrew Cuomo won’t even spare a house of worship from his lies. Even though multiple independent investigations found his victims to be credible, Cuomo continues to blame everyone but himself. Cuomo wasn’t railroaded; he quit so he wouldn’t be impeached. New Yorkers are ready to move forward from this sick, pathetic man.

According to Ruby Cramer at Politico, Cuomo insisted during his self-pity fest that he’d “apologized many times,” but was somehow “denied justice” by his corrupt political enemies and “cancel culture mentality.” He’s on such a tear against cancel culture you’d think he was preparing for an appearance on Bill Maher’s show. Cuomo claimed cancel culture is “growing like a virus." Before long, we guess, no man will be able to ask their young female subordinates if they want to play strip poker! Cuomo said cancel culture represents a new “extremism” not unlike the Tea Party. This is almost comically desperate, but it’s mostly just infuriating. He’s comparing the women he harassed and the women who held him accountable to a bunch of radical bigots.

Cuomo allowed that he might’ve acted inappropriately, but insisted he never broke the law. I’d like to think we have a slightly higher bar for our elected officials.

Cuomo used his platform Sunday mostly to condemn a social media-fueled climate he said is growing and dangerous.

"Any accusation can trigger condemnation without facts or due process,” he said. “We are a nation of laws, not a nation of tweets. Woe unto us if we allow that to become our new justice system.”

This asshole had due process. James’s report wasn’t a series of tweets. It was almost as long as The Great Gatsby.

“The Bible teaches perseverance, it teaches us to get off the mat,” he said. “They broke my heart but they didn’t break my spirit. I want to take the energy that could have made me bitter and make us better.”

He sounds pretty bitter, though. He should’ve workshopped his "Vengeance Against My Enemies" routine a little more before taking it on the road. He declared that he’s "learned a powerful lesson and paid a very high price for learning that lesson. God isn’t finished with me yet.”

God help us all.

After his speech, Cuomo drove off in his white BMW because that’s what happens to victims of cancel culture: They’re left with just their BMWs.

UPDATE: Oh, I just noticed that Cuomo, who’d earlier taken a cop-humping posture, co-opted the late Rep. John Lewis's famous rallying cry as a closing line in his speech: "Let’s make some trouble ... Let’s make some good trouble.” Seriously, just go fuck yourself, dude.


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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