Andrew Cuomo Finally Got The Fuck Out
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo resigned Tuesday after it became obvious he couldn't Trump his way out of multiple sexual harassment charges. This should've happened last week, after New York state Attorney General Letitia James released her “That's Your Ass" report, and our first Andrew Cuomo, Get The Fuck Out post should've concluded with “And then he resigned in disgrace. The end." Instead, we had to discuss that Bizarro World video he forced someone on his staff to make that depicted him molesting people of all genders, races, and sexual preferences. The video was so bad James might've updated her report with a copy of the footage.
This is how we should forever remember Cuomo — defiant, arrogant, and gross.
Incredible moment as Cuomo displays face-touching slideshow: “I do it with everyone. Black and white, young and old… https://t.co/p60GBpwpyU— Jessy Han (@Jessy Han) 1628010905.0
Make no mistake: Cuomo still fits all three of those descriptors. He remains unapologetic in his defeat and insists that James' report is based on a false allegation, even though he already confessed to putting his grimy hands on anyone who came within arm's reach.
The best theory is that people close to the soon-to-be-former governor gave him the Richard Nixon '74 speech where he's informed that he lacks the support to survive a likely impeachment. Again, he was no Donald Trump, and the Democratic Party is no GOP. We don't jump on live grenades for accused sexual predators. Maybe we're just not as loyal or maybe we have human souls capable of shame and remorse. It's a complex metaphysical question.
During Cuomo's resignation speech, which was bad, he managed to echo Nixon when he said his instinct was to “fight." Although in Tricky Dick's defense — and we can't believe we typed those words, he wasn't talking about standing his ground and fighting the women he'd traumatized.
Cuomo had this message for his three daughters: "Your dad made mistakes, and he apologized and he learned from it and that is what life is all about."
His daughters are adults in their 20s. This sounded like something you say before giving a confused child her doll and leaving with the nice state troopers. The Cuomo children are around the same age as the women he subjected to questions about their sex lives and invitations to play strip poker (gag).
From the New York Times:
A lawyer for two of the accusers, Alyssa McGrath and Virginia Limmiatis, reacted swiftly: "My clients feel both vindicated and relieved that Cuomo will no longer be in a position of power over anyone," the lawyer, Mariann Wang, said.
If impeached and convicted, Cuomo could've been barred from running again for statewide office. Because he resigned, he retains the ability to run again, presumably at some later date when everyone's more relaxed about sexual misconduct. However, Manhattan Assemblywoman Yuh-Line Niou says not so fast! She believes impeachment proceedings should continue. Niou, a sexual assault survivor, panned Cuomo's speech as "horrific" and said it felt like he was gaslighting the women he'd hurt.
"In my mind, I have never crossed the line with anyone," Mr. Cuomo said. "But I didn't realized the extent to which the line has been redrawn."
Those damn #MeToo, #TimesUp, Cancel Culture women must've “redrawn" the line so that asking your female employees to play strip poker and answer impromptu Cosmo sex quizzes is somehow unacceptable. Was that wrong? Cuomo also exploited the #MeToo movement and presented himself as an ally, when he not-so-secretly acted like Dabney Coleman from 9 to 5.
New York's last elected governor, Eliot Spitzer, also resigned in disgrace in 2008. His replacement, David Patterson, withdrew his bid for a full-term of governor after reports emerged that Patterson was involved in witness tampering in a domestic abuse case. New York hope to break its streak of scumbag governors with Lt. Governor Kathy Hochul. Effective August 24, she'll become the state's first female governor, which is impressive but also embarrassing that it took so long.
We'll go more in depth later about Cuomo's history of abuse and why he was able to get away with for so long. However, the early obits on his career describe a fall from grace, as though Cuomo wasn't known as a jerk and a bully who ruled by fear. What's most shameful is how many Democrats not only accepted this behavior but thought it was the key to defeating Donald Trump.
Katie Glueck at the Times wrote, "One year ago, Cuomo was seen as perhaps former President Trump's most effective foil." Yes, because he was an asshole. I'm glad Democrats ultimately went with the non-asshole option. This isn't an action movie where you send the Arnold Schwarzenegger Terminator after the cop Terminator. Republicans won't stop reminding us that we all praised Cuomo for his coronavirus response, despite the actual mixed results, but he tried to take the virus seriously, which was an improvement on President Bleach.
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is currently on vacation in Massachusetts, but New Yorkers could probably still hear the sound of champagne bottles popping over Cuomo's political demise. There are reports that de Blasio might consider running for governor next year, and Wonkette proactively endorses Kathy Hochul.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."