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Good morning, Wonkette here at work on the high holy drinking holiday of St. Patrick's Day, to tell you about the mini-Friday Night Massacre Attorney General Jeff Sessions did for Donald Trump. Former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, who was set to retire with full pension benefits, um, tomorrow, has been fired. And oh Jesus, the tinpot dicator who stole the White House is SO FUCKING EXCITED, because he's an un-American puddle of cat vomit who thinks the Justice Department and the FBI are play toys for his personal vengeance, and he's been gunning for McCabe for months now.

Sessions fired McCabe at 10 PM on a Friday night, because that's normal. In response, McCabe released a statement, and it is a bona damn fide BARN BURNER:

For the last year and a half, my family and I have been the targets of an unrelenting assault on our reputation and my service to this country. Articles too numerous to count have leveled every sort of false, defamatory and degrading allegation against us. The President's tweets have amplified and exacerbated it all. He called for my firing. He called for me to be stripped of my pension after more than 20 years of service. And all along we have said nothing, never wanting to distract from the mission of the FBI by addressing the lies told and repeated about us.

No more.

This action was previewed earlier in the week, when we learned that the Justice Department inspector general's office had rushed out a recommendation that, because McCabe let FBI people talk to the Wall Street Journal about an investigation into the Clinton Foundation, and supposedly was not completely honest about it, he should get fired and probably lose his pension and maybe live in a van by the river from now on. We haven't seen the IG's report, so we don't know whether that is some ginned up bullshit or not.

Hey, Andrew McCabe, is this ginned up bullshit?

... [T]his entire investigation stems from my efforts, fully authorized under FBI rules, to set the record straight on behalf of the Bureau, and to make clear that we were continuing an investigation that people in DOJ opposed.

The OIG investigation has focused on information I chose to share with a reporter through my public affairs officer and a legal counselor. As Deputy Director, I was one of only a few people who had the authority to do that. It was not a secret [...] and others, including the Director, were aware of the interaction with the reporter. It was the type of exchange with the media that the Deputy Director oversees several times per week. In fact, it was the same type of work that I continued to do under Director Wray, at his request.

Donald Trump's FBI director asked him to do THE SAME THING he got fired for? Yep, gonna go with "ginned up bullshit"!

McCabe goes on to say unequivocally why this is happening:

Here is the reality: I am being singled out and treated this way because of the role I played, the actions I took, and the events I witnessed in the aftermath of the firing of James Comey. The release of this report was accelerated only after my testimony to the House Intelligence Committee revealed that I would corroborate former Director Comey's accounts of his discussions with the President.

He's right! This is clearly an attempt to impugn McCabe's credibility as a witness in the Robert Mueller investigation. As Business Insider notes, all of the contemporaneous witnesses to Trump trying to obstruct James Comey by the pussy and take him furniture shopping, by pressuring him to stop the Russia investigation, have now been fired or otherwise pushed aside.

This attack on my credibility is one part of a larger effort not just to slander me personally, but to taint the FBI, law enforcement, and intelligence professionals more generally. It is part of this Administration's ongoing war on the FBI and the efforts of the Special Counsel investigation, which continue to this day. Their persistence in this campaign only highlights the importance of the Special Counsel's work.

Oh boy, he MAD.

It's possible McCabe did something wrong, but it's FUCKED UP to handle it this way, especially with a guy who dedicated over two decades of his life to the FBI, and is highly respected by his peers. But come on, BABY TRUMP IS UPSET, and when BABY TRUMP IS UPSET, you have to appease him somehow. So you're fired! By Jeff Sessions, who is trying to keep his job too, because BABY TRUMP IS UPSET about Sessions recusing himself from the Russia investigation.

The only funny thing here is that by caving and giving Donald Trump a scalp, Sessions MAY have shielded himself and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein from Trump's ire a bit longer, thus protecting the Mueller investigation for now. Maybe. On the other hand, Trump's legal idiot John Dowd told the Daily Beast he hopes McCabe's firing will give Rod Rosenstein the nudge he needs to shut down the FAKE NEWS DEMOCRAT HOAX Robert Mueller investigation. Don't know why Dowd picked this morning to set the last shred of his credibility on fire, but whatever! Woodruff also just said on MSNBC that Dowd is now trying to walk back his original email to her, which was written in PURPLE COMIC SANS, because John Dowd is a PERFESSIONAL!

Hey look, it's President Rage Dumpster, shitting himself in glee:

No, baby. You don't get to speak for the men and women of the FBI, because let's be clear -- they are pissed. What really happened last night is that the "Deep State" war against Donald Trump officially began, and we know who's ultimately going to win. Don't believe us? Believe former CIA director John Brennan:

Enjoy the rest of your presidency, motherfucker!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[CNN]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Welcome to another edition of Yr Sunday Nice Things feature, where we take a break from the daily craziness so we can decompress for a little while. Today, we're going to relax with the ineffable mental calm that comes from an oddly rectangular English cow. It's really beautiful to see what can happen when people all over the internet come together to collaborate on a little art project. We call it...

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