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Andrew McCabe, the acting director of the FBI who "resigned" suddenly, but remained technically employed so he could retire with his pension, until Jeff Sessions fired him two days before that pension kicked in, for basically no reason except seemingly as a way to give Donald Trump a political scalp, has written a book! (Of course he has.) It is called The Threat: How the FBI Protects America in the Age of Terror and Trump, and the book tour starts ... NOW!

The Atlantic has an exclusive excerpt, and it will make you mad and rage about how Donald Trump treated this dude, whom he hated. Trump, based on smoking gun evidence he found in the middle of his asshole, was pretty sure McCabe was a Deep State Hillary operative intent on his destruction, and at the end of the day, the president got what he wanted, which was the end of McCabe's career and yet another body blow to the independence of the Justice Department.

From the headline of the profile, readers can see what they're in for with this excerpt from McCabe. It doesn't exactly break any news -- everybody with a brain knows Donald Trump is an unhinged, possibly senile piece of shit who is a clear and present danger to national security and American institutions -- but it sets the scene:


Well, we imagine so!

Is This Hell's Hold Music, Or Am I Just On The Phone With Donald Trump?

McCabe starts with a story of a weird phone call he got from Donald Trump the day after Trump fired James Comey. The president seemed to want to pat himself on the dick for his action, which was widely condemned as stupid and probably criminal:

I took the call on an unclassified line. That was another strange thing—the president was calling on a phone that was not secure. The voice on the other end said, It's Don Trump calling. I said, Hello, Mr. President, how are you? Apart from my surprise that he was calling at all, I was surprised that he referred to himself as “Don."

The president said, I'm good. You know—boy, it's incredible, it's such a great thing, people are really happy about the fact that the director's gone, and it's just remarkable what people are saying. Have you seen that? Are you seeing that, too?

He went on: I received hundreds of messages from FBI people—how happy they are that I fired him. There are people saying things on the media, have you seen that? What's it like there in the building?

Unsurprisingly, the president was full of shit, telling himself hallucinatory and self-congratulatory stories about how people were reacting, because the president is a deeply wounded man whose brain ain't work good.

How was it in the building? Everybody was crying, that's how it was. James Comey was a beloved director, and the fact that Trump and the White House proceeded to lie about that for months doesn't change that fact. (Remember that time Sarah Chucklefucks Sanders opened her mouth and said FBI people were calling her telling her how happy they were? Remember what an OBVIOUS lie that was?)

The president said he thought most people in the FBI voted for him—he thought 80 percent. He asked me again, as he had in his office, if I knew that Comey had told him three times that he was not under investigation. Then he got to the reason for his call. He said, I really want to come over there. I want to come to the FBI. I want to show all my FBI people how much I love them, so I think maybe it would be good for me to come over and speak to everybody, like tomorrow or the next day.

Yeah no. Stay away, President Sundowner. Everybody hates you, but especially the FBI hates you.

Trump yammered some more and proceeded to bitch and moan and complain that Comey had flown back to DC on a government plane. How is that even fair?

The president flew off the handle: That's not right! I don't approve of that! That's wrong! He reiterated his point five or seven times.

I said, I'm sorry that you disagree, sir. But it was my decision, and that's how I decided. The president said, I want you to look into that! I thought to myself: What am I going to look into? I just told you I made that decision.

The ranting against Comey spiraled. I waited until he had talked himself out.

Clearly McCabe learned early and often that with Trump, you just have to let the stupid fucking baby cry it out.

Then Trump decided to go after McCabe's wife, a story we've known for a while. You see, in 2015, McCabe's wife, Jill, ran for a state office in Virginia, but she lost because blackface, OH MY GOD WE ARE KIDDING THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT WHAT HAPPENED, but anyway she lost. During her campaign, she received a donation from Terry McAuliffe's PAC, a fact Trump could never ever fucking get over, because Trump is the stupidest person in America. This forms the basis for why Trump thinks McCabe is a Hillary Democrat just like his Deep State wife. So, in the course of this phone call -- which, again, was so the president could congratulate himself for stickin' it to the FBI -- he said this:

He said, How is your wife? I said, She's fine. He said, When she lost her election, that must have been very tough to lose. How did she handle losing? Is it tough to lose?

I replied, I guess it's tough to lose anything. But she's rededicated herself to her career and her job and taking care of kids in the emergency room. That's what she does.

He replied in a tone that sounded like a sneer. He said, "Yeah, that must've been really tough. To lose. To be a loser."

Yep, that's the president of the United States, asking the acting director of the FBI if his wife likes being a loser. In case you've just awakened for a years-long slumber, you should know that the president of the United States is a real piece of shit.

McCabe reflects on this conversation, on how Trump is a pathological liar who constantly violates all norms and pisses on our institutions, obstructs investigations that involve him, and concludes:

Every day brings a new low, with the president exposing himself as a deliberate liar who will say whatever he pleases to get whatever he wants. If he were "on the box" at Quantico, he would break the machine.

Yeah.

How Do You Solve A Problem Like HOLY FUCK IS THE PRESIDENT A LITERAL ACTUAL RUSSIAN AGENT?

The excerpt goes on like that, and gets deeper into McCabe's perspective on the events surrounding the appointment of special counsel Robert Mueller. He talks about meeting with Trump in the Oval Office the day after the conversation we excerpted above, and how it reminded him of dealing with the Russian mob. (Weird, James Comey says that too.)

We have recently learned that around then, because of the president's actions -- firing Comey, giving Russians code-word intelligence in the Oval Office, and 500 other things -- the FBI opened a counterintelligence inquiry into whether Trump is literally an agent of the Russian government. McCabe says that above all, he wanted to make sure that no matter what happened, if he was fired, if Trump Saturday Night Massacred the entire bureau, if Trump borrowed some money from Putin to pay Putin to do the Moscow apartment bombing to the Hoover FBI headquarters, that the Russia probe would continue, because it was that fucking important.

The accounts we now have of that time suggest that the FBI was freaked out about the Trump presidency at that point, and we can't imagine the bureau feels any better about it today. Remember those incidents reported by the New York Times, when Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein suggested wearing a wire and secretly recording Trump, and also reportedly discussed invoking the 25th Amendment? McCabe talks about that stuff too in the book, which is unsurprising because we always suspected the sourcing on Michael Schmidt's ill-timed Times story were mostly McCabe's memos. (We also suspected, and still do, that Schmidt reported JUST THE FACTS MA'AM, but didn't possess the street smarts to interpret them quite correctly.)

In an interview set to air this weekend on "60 Minutes," McCabe addresses those issues for the first time:

During an appearance on "CBS This Morning," Scott Pelley, the correspondent who interviewed McCabe, described the discussions of the 25th Amendment as "counting noses" — or speculating on where various Cabinet members might stand on the question.

Pelley said McCabe disputes the assertion, advanced by defenders of Rosenstein, that the deputy attorney general was not serious about wearing a wire. Pelley said McCabe took the idea to FBI lawyers for a discussion afterward.

So which is it? Were these discussions serious, or were they in jest? Is there nuance missing? Is McCabe settling scores not only with Trump but also with Rosenstein? Is it safer for McCabe to talk about the seriousness of what went on during those dark days at the FBI, since he's already been fired, which allows Rosenstein to give President Idiot Shits the impression that they're on the same team?

We just don't know.

Donald Trump has reacted to all of this with the calm self-assurance we've come to expect from him:


Hooray, Donald Trump is having a bad day! That's all that ever matters, isn't it, American patriots?

Sarah Chucklefucks Sanders also released an official White House response, but we're not linking to it, because nobody cares what that lying shitshow says.

Anyway, Wonkette book review on book we probably will not even buy: Aw shucks, let's give it some stars!

[The Atlantic / Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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