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Angry Pizza Man Blames 'Liberals' For Sexual Harassment Reports

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Farcical egomaniac joke candidate Herman Cain and his team are trying to mop up a Gulf-sized oil spill with paper towels today after POLITICO SCOOPED THE UNIVERSE with unsurprising news that old Herm is allegedly a terrible lech who sexually harassed two female employees while serving as the head of the National Restaurant Association, by unimaginatively arguing the entire story is the fault of the "liberals." Wrong tack, team! Creepy sexual behavior is the only thing so far that we have heard about Herman Cain that makes him seem like a legitimate politician after all. Why not try that angle?


So much for the "unorthodox campaign" idea! Here is the weak non-denial his campaign put out in a standard-issue "Herman Cain is the real victim here" statement reported by The Hill:

"Sadly, we’ve seen this movie played out before – a prominent Conservative targeted by liberals simply because they disagree with his politics.

"Mr. Cain -- and all Americans, deserve better."

Since it will be impossible to argue that it didn't happen -- the National Restaurant Association issued a five-figure payout to the two women after forcing them to sign an agreement that prohibits them from talking about it -- a sane campaign manager would have just typed out the words "Bill Clinton" and fired this back to reporters with a comical sneer, but as with everything else "Herman Cain," this is just incredibly boring and lame. [The Hill]

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It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...

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SCARED!

In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

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Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

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