Announcing The Wonkette Wonkebago Fall 2015 Itinerant Panhandling Tour And Quitterthon!
Remember some time ago when we ACHTUNG!ed at you and said HALP HALP THE WONKET ES BROKED and you said "Have all my money, I am high as a Bachmann"? Well, we did and boy did you ever. Then, because I have a problem with impulsiveness (see here and here), I took what was left of that most excellent grift and accidentally bought an RV -- the Wonkette Wonkebago Mobile Command! -- for just 120 easy payments of oh sweet jesus what have I done.
I asked my therapist what I had done, and he said what I had done was just BE AWESOME IS ALL. (He's very supportive.) A mobile command center is a great thing for a website to have! We can do so many activities!
So I am saddling up my husband and the Official Wonkette Baby for the Wonkebago Fall 2015 Itinerant Panhandling Tour and Quitterthon, coming soon to a state park or BLM campground (or BLM standoff!) near you! Flash mob drinky thing at the rest stop off exit 287, you guys! Bring twenties and make Shypixel dance for your pleasure, or just bring twenties and buy this here T-shirt that fell off the back of our truck. Six of one, a Bernie shirt of the other. But not only will we be driving near you and selling you swag. Oh, no, there's MORE!
In the future, we'll be traveling to places like Iowa (boring) and New Hampshire (lame) and Oklahoma (okla-AWESOME!) and the conventions and other states too, also, because otherwise it is not a business expense, ABOLISH THE IRS JUST KIDDING NO REALLY JUST KIDDING I LIKE THE GOVERNMENT TO PROVIDE SERVICES FOR ME AND MY COUNTRY YAY ALSO IT REALLY IS FOR BUSINESS I SWEAR! It's not like we bought a mobile command boat.
Ow! Ow! Stop it ow! That is me getting hit by your flying money after I showed you that picture of the Wonkette Baby. I hate when I do that! And why would you throw quarters?
"Please please please come to my town," you are whimpering at your computer. We just might, if you sponsor a couple-twenty gallons of gas!
"Please please please go and take pictures of the idiots currently massing at Lincoln, Montana, to fight off the government for America," you are slobbering. You got it! Does "tomorrow" work for you?
"Please please please let me give you some multiple of thousands of dollars to put my business name on the back of your RV as a sponsorship thingummy I love you so much and also love clever marketing and also love state campgrounds with RV hookups and the mean rightwing olds with disposable income you might find therein," you are sexually quivering. Well, hit me up, mama, at rebecca at wonkette dot com and let us make a deal!
"Please please please don't let your sweet daughter within a hundred miles of Donald Trump when you are off covering election things like some kind of common political reporter," you are wailing and gnashing. Girl, you don't have to tell me twice! DONE!
So let us be hippies and marry our forces together, as we figure out where in this great Merica we will be traveling, for the reporting and the politics and the drinky things and the more politics and maybe even news, no one can ever know.
What about The Wonkebago Summer 2016 Trumpbomination? When will it be, and where will it go? It will be in 2016, probably in the summer. We don't know where it will go yet, maybe to YOUR MOM'S HOUSE! Really, the 2016 Tour can be as big or small as you choose to make it. Vote with your dollars, for communism.
Look out, world. Mama's got a depreciable asset.
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.