There is no gif on the internet of Alec Baldwin saying, 'Making sex is like Chinese dinner; it's not over till you both get your cookies.'

Pride month just ended, and corporate America eagerly marched in the parade. Companies expressed their support for the LGBT community with an endless variety of rainbow-themed products. You could accessorize for Pride at Target, freshen your breath with rainbow-flavored Listerine, and eat crappy pizza for Pride. There's even pot at the end of the Pride rainbow -- no gold, just actual weed.

This has led to some backlash from folks concerned that corporations have hijacked Pride season for the benefit of their profit margins. Now we know how Christians feel! Critics refer to the phenomenon as "pinkwashing." Will success spoil both Rock Hunter and Pride month? Let's hope not, because the "mainstream" embrace of Pride is causing our least favorite people to lose their closed minds.

Conservatives love corporations. They think they're better than people, who are sometimes gay. Corporations only exist to make money for shareholders. They're not a supportive parent who sees their child stink in the high school production of Little Shop of Horrors and claps anyway. This is business. Executives don't approve rainbows on anything unless it somehow drives revenue. This means the free market is queer. Conservatives don't cope well when their personal Jesus comes out of the closet.

Joy Pullman, executive editor at The Federalist, "identifies" herself as "native American" and "gender natural," which means she's annoying. She had a full-on gay panic yesterday over sandwich cookies.

Calm down, ladyTwitter

Oh no! Nabisco, a multi-billion dollar company, made a business decision that trans people exist and actually matter. Pullman is so upset she's having flashbacks to the late 1990s when the term "jumping the shark" was cool. She's also clearly confused and thinks that Oreo is pumping spunk into their cookies, which would never happen because it's a natural ingredient. Confirming someone's preferred pronouns doesn't involve sex nor does it generally lead to sex. It's more Emily Post than Pornhub.

Oreo announced it was giving away "Pronoun Packs and encouraging everybody to share their pronouns with Pride." Pullman considers this "indoctrination" of the icky trans lifestyle. She declared on Twitter that she's never buying another Oreo for her family. This seems excessive. KFC's Cheeto Sandwich is gross, but you don't need to boycott the entire company. The mashed potatoes are still decent. It might feel good in the moment to deny your children Oreos because you're a humorless bigot, but you're going to have to commit to it long term. Keeping a "product enemies list" is tiresome.

It also irks Pullman that Oreo is in cahoots with the National Council of Teachers of English. (Are we sure she doesn't mean this NCTE?) We're not sure why. That partnership sounds fairly benign.

PULLMAN: While it sounds benign, this massive organization that affects millions of teachers all over the country—and helped write Common Core—has been politically far leftist for decades.

The NCTE is a "far leftist" organization, huh? Does she have an example to back up this claim?

PULLMAN: For example, the organization came out against allowing trained teachers to defend themselves from active shooters using licensed guns.

That's not "far leftist." It's common sense. We shouldn't give an AK-47 to Ms. Snipes the English teacher. The lady has pushed sanity right out the Overton Window.


Pullman claims Oreo has taken sides in the "culture war" against "half the nation." She's being generous (well, to her own ego at least). Give Oreo credit for not hiring the geniuses behind New Coke. There was never any serious risk of Oreo's LGBT-inclusive policies cutting their customer base in half. Nabisco is not Bollinger, but it probably desires more sophisticated consumers than people who find the following amusing:

You can also go screw yourself "henceforth."The Federalist

Keebler also isn't run by a bunch of bigots, so Shecky Greene here is out of luck. Jerks whined about "political" agendas when companies started putting interracial couples in their commercials. Conservatives always threaten boycotts when the corporate world acknowledges that more than a single type of person exists and has money. They never work, and the earth spins forward, leaving bigots behind at the segregated lunch counters in their souls. Sorry, guys, but there's money in Pride and no longer any profit in the closet.

Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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