All the senators are being a big Grumpy Gus about how there probably won't be any witnesses for what was already a sham Senate impeachment trial, simply because Republicans have decided protecting a criminal president is more important than the oath they took. What will eventually happen at the vote tomorrow? Won't know until they vote and we can liveblog the traitors in real time! Maybe John Bolton will end up having to go on Rachel Maddow like a common Lev Parnas or something.

We have 19,000,000 hours of liveblogging ahead of us, so let's do day two of questions and answers! We hear Rand Paul is going to try to out the whistleblower again, and he is GRRR ARGH mad at that liberal Deep Stater John Roberts, who refuses to let him.

Oh yeah also Alan Dershowitz is trying to pretend now that he did not argue yesterday that Trump is allowed to do anything he wants, abuse any power he wants, declare himself king, as long as he believes he is doing it in the national interest. So the sad decline of Dershowitz continues, and we all get to watch.


www.youtube.com

12:57: Claire McCaskill just referred to Alan Dershowitz as "THAT jerk! Mister Underwear!" on MSNBC, and we are here for it.

1:09: And we're off! The chaplain prays for the senators to remember that God gave them a brain, and asked that God help them discern the noise from what is really important. Yet again, we read the prayer as a subtweet of the Republicans.

We begin with a question from Patty Murray, for the House managers to please explain more why the House's subpoenas were totally valid and Trump's lawyers are full of buckets of shit.

1:14: OH HERE WE GO, RAND PAUL HAS A QUESTION.

1:15: And John Roberts says fuck off and will not read the question. Question from Tammy Baldwin!

BALDWIN: Hey remember yesterday when Trump's lawyers couldn't give an actual date Trump ordered the aid hold when Mittens asked? Yeah, so what witnesses could answer that question?

1:18: Jason Crow like "Oh here are some names!" And they are John Bolton and subpoenas for the State Department and all kinda other things.

He also has these reminders that the Trump team is lying when they say Ukraine didn't know about the aid hold:

1:20: Pat Toomey and some other Republican idiots with a question for the Trump lawyers. We should totally care that we are denying (a minority of Americans plus Russia) their right to vote for Donald Trump again, even though he is a criminal, RIGHT? That is just democracy!

(That is their question.)

Jay Sekulow says it definitely is bad to deny a minority of deplorables their right to "elect" a criminal.

1:25: Next question from a Democratic senator, did not hear which, but it is about Mr. Underwear's specious argument that presidents can do anything no matter how corrupt if they think it will help them get re-elected. This is basically a tee-up for Adam Schiff to give an impassioned speech about HOLYSHITOMG.

1:28: Schiff says we're worse off than we were during Watergate, because now Trump's version of "it's not illegal if the president does it" is actually likely to succeed as an argument.

It's helpful to look at this from 30,000 feet and realize that one major difference between then and now is that the GOP, which is little more than a white supremacist crime organization at this point, is not nationally viable as a party if the people ALL get to vote. In other words, soliciting foreign interference is one of their few plays to keep power.

Anyway, Senators Cramer and Young want to know why Adam Schiff keeps saying Trump would totally stop acting so fucking guilty and offer witnesses if he wasn't so fucking guilty. Trump's nerd monotone lawyer Philbin taking this one, and MSNBC blessedly goes to commercial, because fuck that guy.

1:35: Question from Doug Jones and it is some real dicking around about making sure the House subpoenas were valid, even though Zoe Lofgren spoke eloquently on that matter a few minutes ago.

1:41: Schiff gives another eloquent presentation on the bad faith arguments of Trump lawyers, but we've been through all that.

Question from Ted Cruz, Mark Hawley and Lindsey Graham about HUNTER BIDENEEEEENENEN!11!1!1!! because of how that's relevant. Apparently they think Joe Biden and Hunter Biden can't keep their stories straight about who even knows what.

Pam Bondi says ... well she's SAYING some THINGS in a CONSPIRATORIAL TONE, but not actually SAYING ANYTHING? Anyway, Hunter Biden went to MONACO, did you HEAR THAT? And as SOON as PAM BONDI checks her NOTES she will say some MORE THINGS?

Here is Pam Bondi yesterday. It was amazing, in a joke way. (Our platform will obviously eat the tweet video below at some point, so here is the link.)

1:46: Val Demings is like, OK, I will tell you what I know about a conversation between a father and his son, Joe Biden and Hunter Biden, which you are asking about for some reason, and the answer is that I don't know and why the fuck would I, Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley and Lindsey Graham, you MORONS?

You fuckers can say "Biden" all you want, and all you're doing is the work of Trump and Russia to help him cheat in the 2020 election.

1:48: Demings PISSED. Maybe we should call people as witnesses who actually know about THE REASON WE ARE HERE, which is not JOE AND HUNTER BIDEN. Like for instance John Bolton and Mick Mulvaney!

1:49: Question from Jacky Rosen of Nevada about what kind of terrible precedent Trump's election-stealing crimes set for future presidents, assuming we ever have any.

1:55: Jason Crow fields that one, talking about his military service, talking about how if America's word means nothing, then we've lost so much as a nation, plays video of Trump literally on live TV soliciting foreign interference in elections, and concludes by saying JOHN BOLTON.

Next question from some Republican idiots mad that Democrats keep citing Jonathan Turley, because didn't Republicans call that guy as a witness until he was no longer useful because he wouldn't say that abuse of power is awesome like Mr. Underwear says abuse of power is awesome? Trump's lawyer nerd dipshit will now talk about how abuse of power is very legal and very cool.

2:01: Sherrod Brown would like to know why Trump's lawyers think it's awesome for president's to solicit foreign reach-arounds, or get them freely and refuse to report them to the FBI, when Trump's own FBI director Chris Wray says that is a sin and a crime. Also what signal does it send to other countries if the Senate fails to remove Trump for these sin crimes.

Hakeem Jeffries takes this one.

2:03: Jeffries responds to the Trump lawyer who literally said information that "happens to come from overseas" is fine by saying NO, it's WRONG. Just like actions that "happen to end a person's life" tend to be called MURDERS, when they are committed by other people.

"It is WRONG, it is LAWLESS, and it SHOULD lead to the removal of President Donald Trump."

Question from the baby-faced senator from Gilead, Josh Hawley. We missed it because we were rewatching this video of Pam Bondi doing BOMBSHELL.

Whatever the fuck Hawley just asked, Trump's dorknerd says NO QUID PRO QUO!

Know who says there was one? Gordon Sondland and literally every other impeachment witness, yes, but also John Bolton.

Trump nerdface also says again that Ukraine didn't know about the aid hold, because what good is a lie if you can't tell it 50 times every hour?

2:10: Trump idiot says all quid pro quos are good, because that's just foreign policy. For instance, if we were having a LITERAL ACTUAL FOREIGN INVASION on the southern border (impressive that he managed to get racism lies in there), Trump could say "we are not going to help you if you don't do something about LITERAL ACTUAL FOREIGN INVASION." Likewise, it is totally fine for Trump to ask Ukraine to do something that's as vital to the national American interest as finding out if Hunter Biden went on a fishing trip with a Ukrainian.

These fucking idiots.

Some question from Maria Cantwell, we missed it, but Val Demings is referencing Gordon Sondland saying "everyone was in the loop" on the crime scheme, and now she's just listing off the names of people and documents we should subpoena, like John Bolton and State Department emails.

2:14: Val Demings is so pissed today, and it is glorious.

2:16: By the way, bookmark this from Connie Schultz, who has been in the room quite a lot and gets to sit in the family section because she is married to Sherrod Brown. She is spilling the dirts on what Mitch McConnell is really hiding from the American people by not letting us see the senators' actual behavior.

John Thune asks something #idiot and Trump's lawyer is responding with some #idiot whine about impeaching a president during in an election year, calling it the "most massive election interference we've ever witnessed," fuck off, TRUMP'S CRIMES ARE LITERALLY HIM TRYING TO STEAL AN(OTHER) ELECTION.

2:19: Whiny ass Pat Cipollone whining like a common Jay Sekulow about WAAAAAAH if [Trump's white supremacist deplorables] are even allowed to have their votes counted, WAAAAAAAH.

Reminder: Pat Cipollone is the White House counsel, and is thus supposed to be representing the presidency.

Anyway, one of the senators from Rhode Island wants to know who the fuck is paying for Rudy Giuliani's international sexcapades, since he's technically working for "free." Adam Schiff says short answer is he doesn't know, but we have a couple pro-Russia Ukrainian oligarchs in mind that we think might have some information on that, whether or not they are the ones actually paying him.

2:24: Schiff says we dunno who is paying for Rudy Giuliani, but the American people are definitely paying the price, because clearly the American president is "open for business" and now all the world knows it.

Jay Sekulow QUEENS THE FUCK OUT and says "Trump no open 4 business JOE BIDEN OPEN 4 BUSINESS1!11!1!1!!!!!!!!1"

2:31: Some weirdo question from Lankford and others about when the aid was released (because Trump got caught) followed by lies from Trump's weird dick lawyer Philbin about how this DID NOT EITHER damage our relationship with Ukraine or our national security.

By the way, Wonkette would like to urge you to PLEASE NOT CREATE A DRINKING GAME where you drink every time Philbin lies and says Ukraine did not know about the aid hold, because you will DIE OF DRINKING if you do that.

Anyway, question from Mazie Hirono. She'd like the House managers to explain yet again why Trump's bribe for personal benefits was factcheck #different from previous aid holds done for real non-crime reasons.

Schiff will do this one, but first he'd like to point out that TODAY, the Justice Department is in court and was asked if Congress can't come to court to enforce subpoenas, then what remedy is there, and the Justice Department's response was literally IMPEACHMENT. Schiff says, "You can't make this up! What more evidence do we need" of their bad faith efforts do do coverups for a criminal president?

And now Schiff will answer the question from Hirono.

2:40: Bozeman with a bad-faith question about how the House managers keep saying we can't decide this at the ballot box, because Trump is literally impeached for trying to steal this very upcoming election. Trump lawyer idiot says the voters SHOULD decide, which would be so great if we could trust that it would be a free and fair election, WHICH IS THE FUCKING POINT.

2:42: Cipollone whines that the House is trying to "turn" the Senate into an investigative body, as if the Senate is not already that.

Schiff will now explain that Trump is literally still trying to steal the election, trying to cheat, and that he threatens the INTEGRITY of the election. This is not complicated, fuck.

2:46: Tim Kaine would like to know if the Senate acquits on Article II, what would stop Trump from refusing to cooperate with Congress on literally everything. Schiff says no shit, that's what we've been saying.

2:54: You guys, Pat Cipollone, the WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL, is bitching and moaning about lack of due process because Adam Schiff only wants to call relevant witnesses, AKA the ones that have something to do with this impeachment scandal, and they don't even want the irrelevant ones AKA the Russian propaganda the Trump White House is throwing up to distract everyone.

UNFAIR!

It is sad that Pat Cipollone, who was once considered a respected lawyer, has chosen to do this to his career. We'd feel sorry for him if not for fuck off.

2:57: Ron Wyden references Mike Pompeo's CIA confirmation hearings, where Pompeo said it's improper and illegal for the intel community target Americans, so how is what Trump did any better, trying to get foreign countries to do it? Schiff says duh, clearly, it is not.

2:59: Don't like what I am saying on abuse of power? Don't want to listen to Alan Dershowitz before he morphed into Mr. Underwear and lost his goddamned mind? Here is a quote from Bill Barr! You like him! He does coverups for Trump with you!

3:02: Dumbfuck Mike Braun of Indiana asks why the House managers are so mean and say Trump doesn't give a shit about anybody but himself and his own interests (true) and say Trump is literally against America (true), and do Trump's dipshits want to respond to that?

One of Trump's queenier yap-yaps (not Sekulow, the other one) responds by saying there is POLL showing Trump has ALL-TIME RECORD APPROVAL.

What? Like 46 percent?

Is it Rasmussen?

Fuck off.

3:08: The yap-yap reads off a list of Trump's supposed ACHOMLISHMENTS, and says if Trump is doing all this only for his personal gain, then let us be ONE NATION UNDER TRUMP FOREVERRRRRRR.

Question from some Democrats about how to keep future presidents accountable if Trump gets away with this. Nadler will answer.

Wanna see something funny? It is the Stupidest Man on the Internet bellyaching about how John Roberts is "playing politics" by refusing to let Rand Paul try to out the whistleblower.

3:12: Nadler says some words about Trump literally acting like a dictator, and then goes back to Susan Collins's question yesterday about "mixed motives," noting that that is (legal term) BULLSHIT, because you can't accept a damn bribe to vote for a bill and then say "Oh i liked the bill anyway, it was good!" That is not how American law works.

Question from dumb Georgia Senator Perdue and some others, and it is Trump lawyers, please tell us why the House investigation was very bad and should feel bad, and is Adam Schiff a fruit from a poisonous tree.

This joke is not getting funnier, you guys.

3:19: Tammy Duckworth has a question, and SO DOES WONKETTE.

Duckworth wants to know if Trump was so worried about "corruption" or "burden-sharing," is there LITERALLY ANY FUCKING EVIDENCE that his Ukraine aid hold was about that? No? OK, we will just continue to file this under "crime."

3:25: Jason Crow just did a big response that ended with SUBPOENA JOHN BOLTON. We missed it, we are not as perky as we were yesterday.

Anyway, question from Susan Collins and some others: are there legitimate circumstances where a president should ask a foreign country to target an American citizen who is not even under investigation by our own Justice Department?

Schiff goes first and he is like fuuuuuuuuuuuck no, but let's be serious about this question, because Republicans asked it and for once it is a real question!

3:27: Schiff notes that there ARE legitimate ways to handle thorny things like this, but reminds us that when Trump got caught, Bill Barr's Justice Department was like HOOOOOOLY SHIT, WE ARE NOT INVOLVED IN THIS DRUG DEAL.

After Schiff is done, one of the Trump lawyers will argue that Russia-style political vendetta investigations are awesome, LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP! Because of how they are just really good Americans, obviously.

Oh just kidding, Trump's unfuckable Philbin nerd will now argue that Trump didn't even ask Zelenskyy for investigations. Seriously, you guys, NO DRINKING GAMES where you drink every time Philbin lies. You will not even have a liver by the end of the day.

3:31: Schumer with a question for everyone. Yesterday, he asked about Trump's BS "absolute immunity" and asked if Trump ever has cooperated one time with a witness or a document in the impeachment inquiry, since Trump's dipshits didn't answer the question. Try again, losers!

3:33: Philbin says he explained clearly yesterday that the House's subpoenas were fake and Congress is not Trump's real dad and they made up a doctrine of "absolute immunity" what they pulled right out of their ass, they win, you lose, SUCKER.

3:35: SCHIFF: Look at these fucking clowns. Why did they make up this doctrine of "absolute immunity," which every court has now laughed at? Oh yeah, because Trump is guilty as hell.

3:37: SCHIFF: Hey you got questions about Trump's "mixed motives"? ASK JOHN BOLTON. ASK MICK MULVANEY.

BREAKTIME! And while we are on break, Liz has your John Bolton update.

4:06: And we are back! Some question about witnesses, and Trump idiot Philbin says there HAVE TOO been witnesses, they went to the House! Which is not the Senate trial! But whatever, if Philbin tells 100 lies an hour, he gets a Snausage from Trump (allegedly).

4:10: Shorter Trump idiot: PLEASE NO WITNESSES WHO HAVE FIRSTHAND KNOWLEDGE! They will make my client look even more guiltier!

Sinema with a question from herself and Manchin and Murk and Collins. Will Trump promise that in the future he will not have Rudy Giuliani do his foreign crime policy? Of course he won't, that is a dumb question.

Philbin says YOU SHUT UP, Giuliani was not doing foreign policy! (Because he was doing Trump's scheme in service of his 2020 election, is the part Philbin forgot to say.)

4:15: John Kennedy has a question, y'all.

Giphy

It is, shouldn't it be totally OK for presidents to ask foreign countries to investigate their political rivals, as long as it is totally legitimate? Or something like that? The question was not worded very well.

Nadler says there are things the president can do, and one of them is NOT target an American citizen specifically, and definitely not when they become his political rival, fuck.

4:18: Interesting stat from Nadler. There were 1.8 million companies in Ukraine. It's been estimated that half were corrupt. Trump chose just one, the one that happened to have a Biden connection.

Trump dipshit says everything is fine, what Trump did was totally legitimate, not "baseless" or "sham" investigations. (They are, and anyone who believes otherwise believes Russian propaganda.)

4:20: Since Philbin just said this again, reminder: ALL THE JOE BIDEN BURISMA SHIT HAS BEEN DEBUNKED AND IS BASICALLY A KREMLIN CONSPIRACY THEORY AT THIS POINT.

Adam Schiff puts a spotlight on the fact that Trump's lawyer just accidentally admitted Rudy Giuliani wasn't doing "foreign policy" for Trump, calls it a "startling admission." It was a "domestic political errand," just like Fiona Hill said.

4:25: SCHIFF: Hey, Trump lawyers, you whine about how if we do witnesses and documents, it will just take FOREVER. Well here you go, here's an offer you won't take: We'll limit witness testimony to ONE WEEK. Is that too long?

Anyway, now Murk and ... Schatz? ... are asking questions together? Where is the line between permissible political actions and non-permissible political actions? Philbin says it doesn't matter, Trump is king, he can shoot somebody on 5th Avenue and nobody will care, etc., we don't honestly know what he's saying, he has the most annoying loser voice we have ever heard.

Schiff's going to now play Alan Dershowitz saying it's fine if the president thinks he is literally the state therefore his re-election is in the national interest. Schiff says YES, all politicians think about politics, but all politicians don't DO CRIMES TO TRY TO GET FOREIGN COUNTRIES HELP THEM CHEAT IN ELECTIONS.

4:32: MENENDEZ: Trump's soliciations of Zelenskyy were literally based on Russian propaganda. He loves Russian propaganda. He also loves foreign interference, specifically the Russian kind. He asks for it on TV. He asked Ukraine to meddle. WHAT IN ALL THE FUCK?

Jason Crow will take this one. He ticks off Trump's former Homeland Security adviser Tom Bossert saying it's all Russian propaganda, our entire intel community saying it's Russian propaganda, and also quotes Vladimir Putin saying just a couple months ago how glad he is that "nobody" is accusing Russia of attacking our election anymore, they are accusing Ukraine. Mission accomplished! For Putin!

4:37: Wisconsin's great embarrassment Ron Johnson has come cheese curds to pull out of his ass now. He ought to be confessing, as a witness.

Johnson's question is BLAH BLAH deep state BLAH BLAH why did House Intel hire this one guy we think is the deep state and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Adam Schiff says fuck you.

4:41: Schiff says he knows you motherfuckers are trying to out the whistleblower in a backdoor way, and he's not going to help, but know who should be the whistleblower? LITERALLY ALL OF YOU. You should be BLOWING THE WHISTLE about presidential misconduct.

Jay Sekulow says he doesn't want to out the whistleblower but WHO IS THE WHISTLEBLOWER?

4:48: Wonkette would like to state for the record that the questions are getting REPEATY and therefore we are exercising the right to make our very awesome updates happen more SLOWY.

That said, Republican fucker from Alaska just asked how can they possibly be doing coverups if they're using the same evidence the House used, except for how they are ignoring it so they can do coverups?

4:53: Oh good, Philbin is spreading Russian propaganda about ALEXANDRA CHALUPA and UKRAINE DID IT!

Neat. More Russian propaganda on the Senate floor.

4:58: Hakeem Jeffries answering the disaster aid question, what would stop Trump from denying a state disaster aid if its governor didn't endorse him? Nothing. Nothing at all.

5:03: Stupid question from some Republicans. Zoe Lofgren said some stuff in the Clinton 'peachment! How can you say Trump wants to steal an election when you are trying to 'peach him and interfere in his ability to steal the next election!

They really want Zoe Lofgren to answer this, but first we have a dumbshit Trump lawyer up there to complain that Adam Schiff won't play along with their attempts to out the whistleblower.

5:05: For the record, this is WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL Pat Cipollone accusing Adam Schiff of BESMIRCH STATEMENTS and also trying to out the whistleblower.

Now Zoe Lofgren will beat some ass.

5:07: LOFGREN: The Clinton impeachment was bullshit. It was a stupid investigation that started with Whitewater and ended with a cumstain. And yeah, Clinton lied, but he didn't do that as an abuse of his presidential power, he did it as a caught husband. Trump literally sold out America to the highest bidder in order to cheat on his re-election. In conclusion, eat my dick.

5:09: Question from Manchin and other Democrats: Have you ever heard of a trial without witnesses? Answer must be in Speak American, not Russian.

5:12: Trump shithole idiot Pat Cipollone, who is supposed to be representing the presidency and not the president: I will not answer the question because I cannot answer it, so I will lie and say the House didn't even want to call the witnesses they now say they demand. Then more lies. Then maybe if I have time, I will do more lies.

Ooooooh, maybe I can say weirdnesses about the Mueller investigation!

5:14: DAMN LIE: Pat Cipollone said Mueller said "no collusion."

5:15: Some Republicans want to know if we can impeach Obama for something, or something, we do not fucking know.

5:20: Question from Stabenow and others: we know soliciting anything of value from foreigns is a crime. How much value would an announcement of investigations into the Bidens from Ukraine be?

Trump lawyer doesn't like the question, will say Bill Barr's crime-protecting Justice Department decided Trump's crime wasn't a crime because up is down and water is no longer wet.

The real answer is that all you have to do is look at Trump's Twitter account to ascertain how much value Trump would milk such a thing for.

5:30: Incredibly stupid question from Lindsey Graham about *hand on hip* IF THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION WAS SO-CALLED "CORRECTLY PREDICATED" WHY CAN'T TRUMP ASK UKRAINE TO DO BIDEN INVESTIGATIONS?

Schiff didn't take the bait, noted that the IG did indeed find that, and that there were a few problems with the FISA apps for Carter Page, but regardless, that is all a distraction from the question of what Trump fucking did.

Jay Sekulow responded by *hand on hip* HUFF HUFF HUFF HUFF HUFF YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT, ADAM SCHIFF!

Those two guys should get a room.

5:38: Some question about OMB stuff, followed by dumbass question from Republicans about IS PRESIDENT NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT CORRUPTION??????

Insulting to our intelligence, ignore.

5:42: Ooh, fiery question from Elizabeth Warren. Considering how Americans have lost faith in government, does the Chief Justice sitting here presiding over a literally fake trial damage the credibility of the Supreme Court?

Schiff says John Roberts is doing just fine, but uses it to cite that time Andriy Yermak was talking to Ambassador Volker, and Volker was like "don't do political investigations" and Yermak was like "LOL like the ones you're trying to get us to do into the Bidens and the Clintons?" So sad.

5:47: Richard Shelby wants Trump lawyers to say based on a Supreme Court case why Trump didn't EVER commit no bribery.

Trump nerd Philbin says DURRRRRRRRRRR NO BRIBERY I'M A NERD BRB GOTTA GET SWIRLIES AND WEDGIES FROM COOL KIDS DURRRRRRRRRR I HAVE AN ANNOYING VOICE I AM THE WORST LOSER LOSER NO FRIENDS DURRRRRRRRRRRR

Or something. We muted it halfway through because his voice is too bad.

5:56: MORE REPEATY QUESTIONS, SAY JOHN BOLTON AGAIN, CLICK YOUR HEELS THREE TIMES AND HE WILL APPEAR.

5:59: SOME REPUBLICAN DIPSHITS: Will Adam Schiff ever say this trial was fair, even if we do witnesses :( ????? :( :( :( :( :( ????ghazi1111????

6:08: Another REPEATY QUESTION, and the answer ended with SUBPOENA JOHN BOLTON!

Now we have a question from some Republicans about DOSSSSSSSSSSSIER. How is Trump so bad if they did DOSSSSSSSSSSIER?

Wonkette explained why DOSSSSSSSSIER is different right here, and the general gist is that HIRING a foreign for services rendered is different from RECEIVING AN IN-KIND GIFT from foreigns. Or, you know, bribing them.

Hakeem Jeffries is like fuck this, here is a list of your goddamned fucking conspiracy theories, none of which has anything to do with the case we are considering right now. Burisma! Crowdstrike! Adam Schiff is devil! Whistleblower! This is the Senate, grow the fuck up.

6:12: SEKULOW: Oh! Oh! So you can BUY oppo research from a foreign! That is somehow OK.

Yes, Jay, that is literally what the fucking law says. We thought you were a real lawyer just kidding no we didn't.

Sekulow continues by saying DOSSSSSSIER some more, and also Bruce Ohr! Nellie Ohr! FISA! Witch Hunt! Wire Tapp! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

6:15: Good question from Democrats on why a document found by Jennifer Williams from Pence's office is quote-unquote "classified," even though senators have seen it and have said there's not shit classified about it. Asking for assurances from Trump lawyers that it wasn't classified because #nefarious.

Trump's lawyer dipshit nerd is pretty obviously winging his answer to this one, because we guarantee there's no reason for it to be classified, just like there is nothing remotely classified in Bolton's book, because "classified" does not mean "embarrasses Trump."

Schiff responds that the senators can go ahead and read that doc for themselves and decide if they think it is classified or just very embarrassing to Mike Pence and goes to his knowledge of the crime scheme.

6:20: Lamar Alexander would like a compare and contrast of the #bipartisanship of the Nixon and Trump impeachments, oh shut up, Lamar, is this how you really want to finish your career? Signed, your constituent.

6:24: So cute when somebody calls the Senate the "greatest deliberative body in the world" like that is even true anymore. Lofgren explaining why the Nixon, Clinton and Trump impeachments have all been so different, why the Clinton one was so fucking dumb, and how disappointed she is that her Republican colleagues now value Trump more than they value their patriotism. (She is being nicer than we are.)

And now a question from Schumer on how the mechanism of making a week of witnesses and documents would work. Schiff notes that most of the documents they've been asking for have already been collected, so there's that. Also a week is more than enough time to hear from the firsthand witnesses they need, nobody would be able to call unlimited witnesses, John Roberts can decide whether a witness is really relevant or not, and so forth.

6:28: Mitch McConnell says he has a question and then there will be another question and then YUM YUM HUNGRY TURTLE TUM TUM!

6:30: McConnell wants to also know about #bipartisanship, which is irrelevant because the GOP is no longer a political party, really, but more of a regional crime syndicate. Fuck your #bipartisanship.

6:35: Missed the question but Adam Schiff is totally LOLing about what Joe Biden could even tell them about Trump's crimes, besides how he feels as a victim. Suggests maybe they should call Mick Mulvaney and Mike Pompeo, so they can TOTALLY EXONERATE Trump, just kidding, that's not what would happen and that is why they are so scared.

6:38: Jay Sekulow gonna queen out now.

NOOOOOOOOO MICK MULVANEY, NOOOOOOOOOO MIKE POMPEO, WANNA TALK TO WHISTLEBLOWER GUY!112!1!!!!! WANNA TALK HUNTER BIDEN!111!!!!111! IT IS ALMOST DINNERTIME, BUT I HAVE TO SAY THIS IS "IRONIC" BECAUSE WE ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO CALL DEMOCRAT WITNESSES.

You know, like Mike Pompeo and John Bolton and Mick Mulvaney. The Democrat witnesses.

Giphy

7:30 Hey hey, it's Liz here to spell Evan for a bit while he goes to the gym or does whatever nerd shit. I KID, Evan is a goddamn hero who should never buy another drink for the rest of his life!

Still waiting for the fuckery to resume. Republicans seem more confident that they'll be able to get 51 senators to vote against witnesses tomorrow, which SUUUUUUUUCKS! But no, this wasn't all a waste of time. Mitch McConnell can have anything he wants, but he can't get it for free. And this hearing raised the price of sweeping it all under the rug substantially. Seventy-five percent of the country wants witnesses, and Adam Schiff and the rest of the House managers spent an entire week explaining that this "acquittal" is bullshit. Cory Gardner and Martha McSally and Thom Tillis and Susan Collins all had to sign their names on this shit, and it will probably cost them. So, don't despair.

7:34 RUH ROH.

7:38 And we are back with a question from Ol' Corn Cob Grassley and some of the boys. It's another dumbass lament against partisan impeachments, and Philbin is up to make more nose noises about it. As if Chuck Grassley didn't just sit on a Judiciary Committee that, on a purely partisan basis, got rid of the judicial filibuster, judicial blue slips, and pretended the American Bar Association was a Democratic organ so as to pack the bench with hundreds of 35-year-old wingnuts. Fuck right off.

7:44 Chris Van Hollen and Amy Klobuchar ask both parties if they'll submit admission of witnesses and evidence to Chief Justice Roberts for an up or down determination. Sekulow clutches his pearls at the grave affront to the Constitution that the Senators are suggesting.

Oh, here comes Adam Schiff to say "Why not?" Where the hell does it say in the Constitution that the presiding officer, i.e. the Chief Justice, can't decide. Spoiler Alert: NOWHERE. Also, quit your fuckin' whining about not being able call irrelevant witnesses.

"It's not because they don't trust the Chief Justice to be fair. It's because they fear the Chief Justice will be fair."

7:52 Tillis and Cruz are using their question time to ask House Managers why John Kerry and Joe Biden didn't send their grown adult sons to their rooms and take away their X-boxes for being on the Burisma board. Adam Schiff is NOPE, not falling for that shit. Hunter Biden being a fuckup is irrelevant. The entire Western world said Shokin had to go, so you will not be dragging Adam Schiff into your Russian propaganda smear campaign, TED.

Bitch, BYE.

7:55 Wyden, Menendez, and Brown ask House managers to comment on Bolton's allegations that Barr was horrified that Trump was trying to kill DOJ prosecutions to impress his dictator pals Xi and Erdagon. Hakeem Jeffries looks like he's about to faceplant from exhaustion, but he's got enough juice left to say LOLOLOL, as if that lyin' orange charlatan gives a rats ass about corruption. And even if he did, the DOD had already signed off that our aid to Ukraine wasn't going to get stolen -- DUH we always make damn sure all that cash comes back here for arms purchases from US companies. That's one of the ways that news of the hold got out, because arms companies were like WHAR MONEEZ?

Also, whoa Chief Justice just BUTCHERED the name of Recep Tayyip Erdagon. Ooooof!

8:00 Collins, Rubio, and Risch ask House managers why the House didn't spend 18 months suing to enforce subpoenas after the White House told everybody to STFU because snitches get stitches. Schiff says that they withdrew the subpoenas because the decision by US District Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson in Don McGahn's case saying that ABSOLUTE IMMUNITY was ABSOLUTE HORSE SHIT was dispositive. Schiff points to witnesses like Fiona Hill who testified and didn't wind up in jail. Unlike that limpdick mustache Bolton who threatened to sue.

8:05 Hirono orders up an extra large dick-kicking for Rand Paul, who has spent the entire goddamn day trying to out the whistleblower. Well, Rand, you POS fake eye doctor, government whistleblowers can't blow the whistle by going to the media because they deal with classified data. So if we shit all over them and paint a target on their backs "misconduct and wrongdoing will proliferate." Today, we are all Rand Paul's neighbor.

8:10 Blunt, Hawley, Wicker, and Capito invite Cipollone to make some more lies about Donald Trump holding up the Ukraine aid out of his abiding dedication to rooting out waste and fraud and protecting taxpayer dollars from misuse. That's why he spends a million dollars a weekend on golf outings.

Blahblah burden sharing. Here, have a chart, which contains no lies. Unlike Pat Cipollone who is ALL LIES.

8:15 Angus King asks if Trump is allowed to insist Israel gets no more aid unless Netanyahu accuses the Democratic candidate of anti-Semitism. Philbin is going to give Dershowitz such a tongue-lashing for leaving that turd on his step. Dorkball says that everyone is misinterpreting poor Dersh, and then Philbin says NO REPORT exonerating Hunter Biden of the very serious NO CRIME of taking a sleazy gig with a Ukrainian oil company.

8:20 Murkowski asks directly why they shouldn't call Bolton if his account is different from Sondland's. Philbin says this is all Adam Schiff's fault for not subpoenaing Bolton after he refused to appear.

It's pretty fucking rich to get lectured on setting a terrible precedent, "a new normal," when it never occurred to anyone before Trump got here that the executive branch could flatly refuse to cooperate with any subpoenas and tell the House to get fucked because oversight is now ILLEGAL.

8:25 Schatz, Heinrich, and Whitehouse would like Adam Schiff to comment on Philbin whiffing the Netanyahu/anti-Semitism question. Which is an invitation for Schiff to go into an extended riff on Dershowitz's IDIOTIC claim that the president can do to help himself get re-elected as long as he believes in his heart that it's good for the country. I wrote about it for my other gig here.

Philbin is up to lie about Trump never getting any witnesses in the House. BORING.

8:30 Why does Senator Kennedy always look like he's wearing rouge? It's weird, huh?

Anyway, Kennedy wants to flog some Russian propaganda about Shokin getting fired to prevent him investigating Burisma. Philbin is mad that the House never investigated this inane alternate universe where the EU, IMF, entire US intelligence apparatus, and OH BY THE WAY Republican senators didn't want Shokin fired for rank corruption. Steele Dossier! Giuliani trusted investigator! Philbin mentions that Rudy delivered his info on Shokin and Biden to the State Department and the Justice Department, doesn't mention that Barr and Pompeo were both like GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT NONSENSE.

You know why there's been no report or investigation? Because the entire US Justice Department knew it was bullshit.

8:35 Weird! Democrat Gary Peters and Republican John Cornyn ask how acquittal will alter the balance of powers. Cipollone is SO EXCITED! He's like a vote against impeachment would be wonderful. It will restore balance of power by making it clear that no future president ever has to cooperate with congressional oversight again! The president can just say OVERSIGHT IS OVER FOREVER. Yay! (Slight paraphrase.) Then he garbled some nonsense about not letting Chief Justice decide witness and evidence issues.

Schiff said looks like the Big Onion man thinks you're shit, Chief Justice Roberts. You gonna let him get away with that? Also, too, if Trump gets away with it, then "oversight power is GONE" and there will never be any check on a president who is allowed to engage in absolutely any self-serving activity and claim that its' in the country's best interest.

8:40 Rubio, Capito, Tim Scott with the dumbest fuckin' GOTCHA question all day. Ready?

How can Trump be guilty of abusing his power because he ignored his national security advisors, and guilty of obstruction of congress by going along with his legal advisors who told him to tell Congress to get fucked? HENGHHHHHH?

Adam Schiff: DAFUQ?

Cipo: Yeah, totes! He had to defy congressional oversight "to protect all future presidents?"

8:46 Manchin says why can't we just slow it all down. If Trump is pissed off that Schiff wants to have a speedy week of witnesses, maybe wait until the McGahn case is decided. So, functionally NEVER since that will be in the Supreme Court.

LOL, Philbin says impeachment can't wait: "this trial can't be held open pending a final resolution of that litigation." Which is kind of an admission that Schiff couldn't wait forever on those subpoenas, right? No one said Philbin was "smart."

Schiff said FUCK RIGHT OFF, McGahn is absolutely dispositive. And "absolute immunity" is "absolute nonsense." Also, too, the Trump Justice Department is in court right now saying there's no standing for Congress to sue to enforce subpoenas. BUT OH HEY we have the Supreme Court Justice right here. Cool, let's let him decide!

8:52 Tim Scott, Hawley, Sasse, and Barrasso want to pretend that Obama's minor objections to document demands in the fifty million year Benghazi investigation -- in which Hillary Clinton testified for 11 GODDAMN HOURS -- are the same as Trump's blanket refusal to cooperate with any oversight at all.

Sekulow just yells some random shit. Whatever.

8:56: UH OH, it is Evan again! When we walked in the door from the gym right now Sekulow was like "BNEGHZIIIIIIIIIIII~!11!1!" on our TV and we could tell he hadn't gotten any smarter while we were at the gym. Which is sad because we said a little prayer for him on the elliptical. Guess God doesn't love Jay Sekulow enough to make him smarter.

8:58: OK we missed the Democratic question but Jason Crow is talking about Trump just disregarding our intel and law enforcement communities and instead cuddling with Putin and believing everything Putin says about FAKE YOU-KRAIN INTURFERERENCE! and also noting that John Bolton would be a good person to talk to about all this stuff. What a very novel idea!

9:02: REPUBLICAN IDIOT QUESTION: Durrrrrrrr if Democrats say they made their case why they trying to make us have witnesses it would be harder for us to ignore DURRRRRRRRRR

TRUMP LAWYER VOTED "MOST LIKELY TO GET A WEDGIE FROM HIS MOM, THAT'S HOW MUCH OF A FUCKING NERD HE IS": Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Also he is so mad that they get called out every time they spread Russian propaganda about Ukrainian election interference on the Senate floor, so he's quoting Fiona Hill WAY the fuck out of context and quoting that dumbfuckingshit Politico article about Ukrainians making fun of Donald Trump on Facebook, as if that is somehow the same.

Go fuck yourself and go get that wedgie from your mom, dude.

9:07: PHILBIN: In summary and in conclusion, ever wanted to hear Russian propaganda from the guy voted "Most Likely To Have His Lunch Money Stolen By HIS MOM"? Here's some!

9:09: Question from Democrats about hey, what was that smear campaign against Marie Yovanovitch about? Tell us that story of Donald Trump ruining a woman's life and career so he and Rudy could do corruption! Adam Schiff is telling the story.

9:14: Huh, a five-minute break. Wonder if Mitch McConnell is going to go beat Lamar Alexander up in the bathroom or something, ALLEGEDLY.

Some of the drama from the courtroom at the fake trial:

9:27: And we are back. ALL THE SPECULATIONS about what's going on with Lamar Alexander.

Question from Joni Ernst and James Lankford about the testimony of ICIG Michael Atkinson, which is still under seal and was not transmitted to the Judiciary Committee.

Trump lawyer wedgie nerd Philbin is JUST SAYING they don't want witnesses (NOOOOOOO!11!!1) but if they did, they want to know more about that transcript, because there is #whistleblower stuff in there, ooh wait, maybe they want witnesses, oh wait maybe they don't!

Question from Sinema and Manchin and somebody else, we dunno, oh it is Doug Jones. They are just asking if the House did the process bad by refusing to enter into bad-faith negotiations with the White House over witnesses and documents back in October.

Adam Schiff like, yeah there wasn't a mystery here. You read Pat Cipollone's dumbass letter. Please stop being silly right this instant, you have D's next to your names.

9:35: Uh oh, Marsha Blackburn and Ron Johnson have a question, get ready to literally feel your brain cells die in real time.

The question is: WHEN DID THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE GO ON ITS FIRST DATE WITH THE WHISTLEBLOWER?

9:38: Meanwhile:

First they came for the cows and I was like "Yum, steak!" and that was all that happened because fuck off.

9:42: More rehashing of Trump's alleged lie (allegedly because we don't even know if the phone call really happened) where he told Sondland NO QUID PRO QUO and then proceeded to explain the quid pro quo in detail. The quid pro quo was everywhere, everybody was in the loop, and Schiff says maybe you should demand to see some State Department documents to see if they back that up.

Hey remember how Gordon Sondland personally delivered the quid pro quo to the Ukrainians in Warsaw and then a couple weeks later, Trump got caught and Zelenskyy canceled the CNN interview he had been strongarmed into giving to announce Trump's precious fucking investigations?

9:48: Some Republican idiots with an idiot question about well, what if we don't impeach, are there other ways Congress can hold a criminal king accountable? Tell us how to Senate, Trump dipshit lawyer most likely to get a wedgie from his mom EVERY DAY.

9:51: This fucking asshole nerd keeps saying the Constitution requires all these incremental steps, otherwise impeachment doesn't count. That is not what the Constitution says about impeachment. It specifically doesn't mention this fucking nerd's opinion about impeachment as carrying any weight in any world.

9:53: Ed Markey just reminding everyone that Russia literally hacked Burisma recently, obviously to help Trump in his election-stealing campaign, and asking if Trump is acquitted, does Congress have any recourse? And the answer is nope, because Congress just said that's OK because Mr. Underwear Dershowitz says it's good to be the king because the king can do whatever he wants.

9:57: MARKEY: Trump did the treason call with Ukraine the day after Robert Mueller testified. Fuck you think he's going to do the day after you acquit him here? Fuck.

9:58: Lindsey Graham got a question, let's see how dumb it is.

Q: If John Bolton confirmed all the crimes just like everybody knows he will, don't you still think none of this is impeachable behavior?

TRUMP NERD: Of course not! Alan Dershowitz got no panties on! You can't impeach for abuse of power, even though literally all impeachments have that! No quid pro quo! Even though there OBVIOUSLY was! I should say "Dershowitz" again, because that is how much of a fucking joke I am! OH NO, MOM, NOT A WEDGIE AGAIN!

Fucking hell, what a ridiculous question. And Lisa Murkowski cosigned this question. What are you doin', Murk?

10:03: TRUMP IDIOT: How many ways do I have to say that it's awesome when the president commits literal actual fucking crimes?

Not that he committed crimes!

NO QUID PRO QUO!

If Donald Trump wrote a book about his Ukraine crimes, it would be called "If I Quid It."

Thank god, Adam Schiff is getting a chance to rebut all the horseshit Philbin just said.

10:11: Some bullshit question from Republicans about the "Biden rule" during the Clinton impeachment, question can go fuck itself.

Of course, it's a particularly stupid question, so Jay Sekulow goes for it, because he's abjectly stupid.

10:13: LOL that dumbshit just accused Adam Schiff of doing another TREASON PARAPHRASE RIGHT NOW!

10:16: Question from Michael Bennet. Jay Sekulow over here saying he's going to call one million irrelevant witnesses if we do witnesses. Isn't that something the Senate votes on, as opposed to Jay Sekulow? Also don't all impeachment trials have witnesses?

Hakeem Jeffries like duh.

Also apparently there was some whinyass whiny about Obama not cooperating with Trey Gowdy's endless Benghazi investigation earlier when we were gone, and Jeffries is noting that the White House turned over THOUSANDS of documents then and offered fucking tons of witnesses, including this one, who sat there for 11 goddamned hours:

Giphy

10:20: What did the impeachment witnesses have to say about Trump's crimes?

SONDLAND: Quid pro quo.

TAYLOR: Crazy!

FIONA HILL: Domestic political errand.

JOHN BOLTON, INDIRECTLY: Drug deal!

Next question from Mittens, about whether there is evidence that people told Ukraine that aid was being withheld in advance of an announcement of investigations.

Schiff is listing it out directly, citing testimony from Sondland and Tim Morrison and OH HEY MICK MULVANEY'S CONFESSION TAPE!

Oh yes, and another direct witness would be JOHN FUCKING BOLTON.

Mittens asked a real question, y'all. Interesting.

Now Trump's dipshits will get to answer the question by lying. It is Mike Purpura! Even though Schiff just literally explained all the evidence. But no, Purpura is going to Trump's alleged NO QUID PRO QUO! statements to Sondland and dumbfuck Senator Ron Johnson.

10:29: Some other question from Democrats about Trump thinking he's a king, but Schiff wasn't done reading the evidence of Trump directly linking the aid on the phone with the investigations, and wanting Zelenskyy in a "public box," and Trump has to get the "deliverable," and Trump's a businessman, he has to get what he's owed before he signs a check, and Bill Taylor was like OHMYFUCK, Ukraine doesn't owe us anything, this is insaaaaaanity.

10:33: LOLWUT, really dumb question from Mike Lee. According to Dershowitz's theories, can we impeach JOE BIDEN?????????

Big surprise, Trump's wedgie dipshit is 1) lying about what happened with Burisma and 2) working his way to OMG YES, LET'S IMPEACH JOE BIDEN!

10:40: Asked to respond to that shit, Jerry Nadler just called it "nonsense" like everything else Trump's lawyers say, and now he's listing out all the other Republican distractions, and why they don't want witnesses, because they are so fucking scared of the truth they're shitting their pants.

And we think we are going to be finished!

However, stick around for a few, because Lamar Alexander should be making his statement.

Also please give us money, we only run on donations, and if you love our liveblogs, we need you support us financially.

10:51: Murk is just anguishing over this.

Also this is quite a statement from former GOP Senator John Warner:

And Maddow says John Bolton did an event tonight and said nice things about the imepachment witnesses and blah blah blah, come on TV and say your piece, John.

10:54: Susan Collins will vote to confirm Brett Kavanaugh again, and also for witnesses.

11:03: And Lamar Alexander will not vote for preserving American democracy and that will be his last major act as a senator, enjoy your stained legacy, my senator.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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