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Another Dumb A-Hole Is Going To Not Be President, And This Time It's Scott Walker

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With so few options for Republicans to choose from -- what have we got now, like 87 presidential candidates? -- it only makes sense that Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker has announced that he also would like to have his ass kicked by Hillary Clinton. (Or maybe Bernie Sanders. It might be Bernie Sanders, that could totally happen.)

 


Walker, in case you didn't know, is a fighter. And a winner. And he will be a winning fighter for you SO HARD, America, just like he's done in Wisconsin, hooray!

In the Republican field, there are some who are good fighters. But they haven't won those battles. There are others who have won elections but haven't consistently taken on the big fights. We've showed you can do both. Now I'm running for president to fight and win for the American people. Without sacrificing our principles, we won three elections in four years, in a blue state. We did it by leading. Now we need to do the same thing for America. It's not too late. We can make our country great again. Join our cause. Help us fight. And win -- for America.

See, Walker knows how to beat our enemies -- like ISIS and teachers' unions and dumb hippie protesters and Democrats, because of how he full on did that already in Wisconsin. Unlike some other Republicans, who can fight but can't win. Or who can win, but won't fight. They are all a bunch of loser pussies. But not Scott Walker, boy, he is a fighter AND a winner, and he will fight and win to make America great again -- so long as Donald Trump doesn't sue him for stealing his tagline, which he totally invented himself.

And, OK, sure, Walker isn't exactly winning in the polls just yet, because Republicans think that Donald Trump guy is a whole lot sweller, but once everyone watches Walker's video and learns what a bang-up job he's done to Wisconsin, he will be fighting AND winning all the polls and all the voters, with his super popular and successful policies that have worked so well for him in his home state. Like forcing all ladies who want to do abortions to look at pictures of their unborned fetuses because those pics are hella cool, bro. Plus, just look at all the jobs he's failed to create, with his anti-union free market magic, plus a real neat slogan -- Wisconsin Is Open For Business -- which has helped his state "fall from 11th to 44th in job creation." Impressive!

And his foreign policy experience is second to none. Dude's been to Europe AND China, and he's already got a can't-fail plan to beat ISIS, by slashing their pensions just like he slashed the pensions of public employees in Wisconsin, because that worked so well. And if you think union busting can't beat our foreign enemies, that just proves you don't know a thing about history, because Ronald Reagan won the Cold War by firing air traffic controllers, and Scott Walker is, like all the other Republicans plus also too "Democrat" Jim Webb, totally going to be the next Reagan of us all.

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Monday evening, Walker will be officially announcing his official announcement that he is officially running for president. And so long as no one asks him any tricky questions about evolution, he might actually do not too bad. The Koch brothers like him a whole lot, and he's a great hero to those idiots who still think the tea party is a thing. Who knows, maybe he will even get to be the party's One True Conservative Republican nominee for president, who gets to have his name in the history books in bold letters, as opposed to all the other Republican candidates who will be lucky if they get to be an also-ran footnote. So hey, that's something. It's not exactly winning, but it's something. Molotov, governor!

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