Another Half-Assed Liveblogging of Another Half-Assed Bush Press Conference

briefing.jpgDidn't anyone tell Bush that it's a SNOW DAY? No one's at work! These poor reporters had to trudge through three inches of slush to listen to this nonsense!


Theme of today's briefing appears to be: Still working on this Iraq thing. Also fuck congress, the surge is happening already.

"The operation to secure Baghdad will take time, and there will be violence." Bush speaking live from 2003, apparently.

BUSH: "I've listened to a lotta voices, people in my administration, heard a lotta voices..."

"The other day, the Iraqi government passed a 40 million dollar budget." Iraq clearly needs earmark and pork reform.

Also sharing the oil revenues among all Iraqi people: SOCIALISM. He is wearing a RED TIE. Valentine's Day or creeping Marxism?

Ok, now North Korea: "Thanks, China, for solving the North Korea thing. Phew! Glad we didn't have to get our hands dirty on that one."

First question: Has Vladimir Putin changed? Or have we? Oh, we were so much younger then, and innocent. Russia and US: "It's a complicated relationship." This is a strange relationship-ship-ship...

Second question: General Pace sez the Iran is directing terror in Iraq thing is bullshit. How do you respond? With crazy nonsense, that's how! "Here's my point: Either they knew or they didn't know." Can't argue with that, really.

YOUR LEADERS ARE MAKING DECISIONS THAT ARE ISOLATING YOU, IN THE WORLD. AND THEREBY DENYING YOU... A BRIGHT FUTURE.

^^^ that is Bush's message to the people of Iran, by the way. Pour a forty out on the curb for irony.

Third question: More Iran! Same answer!

Fourth question: John Bolton says the North Korea deal sucked. Do you have your former boo's back? Answer: Nope. John Bolton is a crazy old walrus.

Fifth question: More Iran! Same answer! "I can't say it more plainly."

Sixth question: "Yes, ma'am. You're not a ma'am. Martha!"

"Victory in Iraq is not going to be like victory in World War II." Fuck, that means no parades. We only supported the war because we thought there'd be parades. Sailors kissing off-duty nurses. Cigarette girls and Bob Hope! Ticker tape everywhere and dropping Atom Bombs just for the hell of it! We just want an excuse for public intoxication, is that so wrong?

Martha: "Do you believe it's a civil war?"

Bush: "It's hard for me, living in this beautiful White House," to answer that question, apparently. "I haven't been there!"

"I considered several options: one, doing nothing!" We're considering that option right fucking now.

Next question: troop morale. Why are they so sad? Bush says our troops are fine, it's their family members who have morale problems.

Bush: "When I speak, I'm very conscious about the audiences that are listening to my words."

Also Maliki's fucked.

DING DING DING BAKER-HAMILTON JUST MENTIONED TAKE A DRINK! We're following their recommendations now apparently? Or, rather, we will eventually follow their recommendations after we're done doing the precise opposite of their recommendations.

Here comes the "Bush makes some funnies" portion of the Press Conference. Will Bush comment on the fact that all of his staffers leaked Plame's name over and over again? No, he won't. Instead he will make a funny.

All right, some genuine larfs at Mike Allen:

"Michael, who do you work for?"

"I work for Politico.com."

"Politico.com?"

"Today."

"Do you want a chance to explain to the American people what that is?"

IMPORTANT: DAVID GREGORY LIKES THE POLITICO

We are bored and done. We'll leave you with this nugget of wisdom from our Commander in Chief:

"If I thought we could achieve success, I would sit down."

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