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By the Comics Curmudgeon
Remember back in the good old days, when our leaders were generally believed to walk on two legs, to not be covered with viscous mucus, and to have been born from human women in the normal way? Now, of course, we are less naive, and know that our entire political class is composed entirely of the worst kind of soul-dead devils from below Hell. The shock of this revelation has long worn off, though, and now the most awful sort of flesh-eating monster completely fails to faze your average American, so long as it's in elected office. Let's go on a tour of the boring bestiary, shall we?


We know you aren't afraid of these creatures! Click the images to make them even bigger!

First up we have that old staple of nightmare imagery, the enormous, grinning, shape-shifting clown. Oh, look, Mr. Clown, I guess you're able to make yourself freakishly huge, and are going to cram yourself into a tiny American car, give tax money to bankrupt automakers, and then murder us all in our sleep! We aren't impressed, OK? Anyway, everyone knows that they don't even make tiny American cars.

You know what else isn't scary? Jabba the freakin' Hutt, that's what. Oh no! It's a giant slug thing! It can't move about unaided! It has tiny, stumpy arms that it waves about ineffectually! Its tongue lolls obscenely! Wah wah wah! Thus, he's a perfect metaphor for, I dunno, the Republicans, or something. This drawing says very little to me except "Ah ha! I finally figured out a political outlet for my long-nurtured ability to draw characters from Star Wars!" The big surprise is that "America" is represented by some dude in a polo shirt, rather than Princess Leia in her metal-brassiered slave girl outfit. The scariest thing about this cartoon is the coming lawsuit from Lucasfilm.

At first I thought that this cartoon depicted our Barry being torn apart by the emergence of some repulsive eight-headed parasitic creature burrowing out from within his torso, but then I realized that this was merely a cutting-edge reference to the "octomom" and her many babies, which the president is attempting to feed with his sweet, sweet stimulus milk. Could Obama be her "babydaddy," as I'm led to believe the kids say? Possibly! As we can see in the background, he has also impregnated the Statue of Liberty, and any human capable of copulating with and impregnating a 150-foot metal she-statue must have extremely potent sperm.

Ha ha, liberals! You probably thought that the Guantanamo Bay detention camp was full of some combination of hard-core terrorists, foot soldiers from armies that weren't recognized as armies, people with names unfortunately close to the names of terrorists, and random dudes handed over to the US military for bounty money and/or because they pissed someone off. But, as you can see, the truth is that Gitmo is holding a group of literal red-eyed, snaggle-toothed demons, in a box, which America captured in a top-secret mission that involved deploying the Ghostbusters to Afghanistan. Fortunately, Obama's face is not melting Raiders of the Lost Ark-style during this scary moment, because he is not a Nazi.

OK, so this thing ... this thing is kind of terrifying, actually. It's Roland Burris, though not the lovable rapscallion we know, but rather some version of the man with dozens of unnatural mouths, opening and closing along the circumference of his head ... with teeth only on the bottom jaw ... heavy-lidded and languorous, each mouth speaking in some language you can almost but not quite understand ... and you're thinking "Can other people see this? Are they freaking out? Why aren't they freaking out? OK, stay cool, stay cool ..." all the while hoping against hope for another damn Blagojevich hair joke to break the tension.

AAH AAH AAH WHAT THE HELL IS THAT IT'S SOME AWFUL UNNATURAL THING WITH WHITE HAIR AND WHITE LIPS AAH AAH AAH

Oh, wait, it's just Charlie Crist in blackface! Ha ha! Nothing to be afraid of here! Except for RACISM.

Oh, wait, that's just supposed to be Charlie Crist's normally tan visage! Really, nothing to be afraid of. Except for SKIN CANCER! And, you know, Charlie Crist.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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