Hello! Tis I, your friendly resident cheesehead and football fan.

I need sports. In a world that's quickly becoming uninhabitable and a country where literal Nazis are making a comeback, sports give me the escape from reality that I need. I don't get people who say they don't care about sports because they're meaningless – it's the fact that sports are meaningless that makes them so great! It's almost meditative, to take a few hours to care about nothing but which team gets the ball past the line or through the giant U-shaped thing the most times.

Aaron Rodgers is good at football. He's a Super Bowl MVP, three-time regular-season MVP, and – and no, I'm not just saying this because I'm biased – one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.

But Aaron Rodgers isn't only good at football. He's goofy and fun and a little nerdy. He was SUPER into guest-hosting "Jeopardy!" He went to Cal, not a typical football college. To our knowledge, he's never murdered or raped anyone or tried to kill his girlfriend.

This season's hair choices aside, Aaron Rodgers is a dream. He is delightful to root for. Especially when you consider that the Packers' last quarterback is a Trumpy asshole who sent dick pics to a female reporter and recently scammed Mississippi out of $600k in welfare money, I couldn't have asked for a better replacement than Aaron.

That's why it was even more disappointing when the news broke yesterday that, Rodgers, who contracted COVID, was unvaccinated.

"But why," you may ask, "is Antivaxxer Aaron just breaking now?" And that's a great question! Why did we all think Aaron Rodgers, one of today's most famous football players, was vaccinated?!

OH, RIGHT, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE HE TOLD US HE WAS.


Back in August, a reporter directly asked Rodgers if he had been vaccinated. Rodgers said, "Yeah, I've been immunized," and we all took him at his word.

What none of us realized was that Aaron has a different definition of that word than, well, literally everyone else.

After Rodgers tested positive for COVID yesterday, we learned that rather than receive one of the three approved vaccines for COVID-19, Rodgers got an "alternate treatment" from his personal doctor "to raise his antibody levels." He petitioned the NFL to have his snake oil treatment treated like a real vaccine, but the NFL was like "lol nah."

In response to a follow-up question after saying was "immunized," Rodgers also said:

"There's guys on the team that haven't been vaccinated. I think it's a personal decision. I'm not going to judge those guys," Rodgers said in August. "There's guys that have been vaccinated that have contracted COVID. So it's an interesting issue."

Someone thought his clever language would protect him. And for a while, obviously, it did. But now, that strategy appears to have worked about as well as Antibody Aaron's "immunization."

It's also a bummer that Rodgers didn't just own what he was doing. At least other science-deniers, like fellow QBs Kirk Cousins and Cam Newton, were upfront about it. According to the Wisconsin State Journal, "Aaron Rodgers arrived at Green Bay Packers training camp in July believing he was protected from COVID-19 — or at least as protected as anyone who'd received the Pfizer, Moderna or Johnson & Johnson vaccines." If that's the case – if Rodgers really believed the essential oils or whatever worked just as well as the vaccines being used around the world – he should have said so. I just hope Rodgers was, at least, honest with the people around him about his vaccination status.

There's also something about chemtrails, apparently? But as far as I can tell, the chemtrails and the fake COVID vaccine, while similar, are unrelated.

Honestly, this is probably all somehow my fault. The universe really likes to troll me, and sports are one of my favorite escapes from *gesticulates wildly*. So of course my golden-boy-crush-Brett-Favre-palate-cleanser-GOAT quarterback would end up breaking my heart in this way. (Please, oh please, just tell me he's not going to go full Favre. I really can't handle another full Favre.)

Oh, and, just to really nail home the fact that I'm right that this is a simulation and my life is "The Good Place," it looks like the Packers are signing none other than Jason Mendoza favorite Blake Bortles.

But hey, maybe we were all just expecting way too much from a jock from Chico who plays a sport best known for brain injuries. And at least there have been some truly excellent memes.

P.S. Aaron, now that you're sick, you may want to see a doctor other than the one who injected you with the horse dewormer or whatever. Please.

[ ESPN ]

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Jamie Lynn Crofts
Jamie Lynn Crofts is sick of your bullshit. When she’s not wrangling cats, she’s probably writing about nerdy legal stuff, rocking out at karaoke, or tweeting about god knows what. Jamie would kindly like to remind everyone that it’s perfectly legal to tell Bob Murray to eat shit.
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