Apostle Guy Explains How Clinton Voters Did COVID-19
This past Friday, televangelist Sid Roth brought Robin Bullock and his wife, Robin Bullock (nope, absolutely could not do it), on his show "It's Supernatural!" to talk about how Jesus came to one of them to reveal the results of the election ahead of time. I did not bother to find out what that was, because the show is like an hour long and there is no way I am sitting through all of that, but judging by the non-disappointed comments I'm gonna say that Jesus told them it would be Trump.
Bullock, who claims to be an apostle — in what we can only assume is a particularly janky community theater production of Jesus Christ Superstar — explained to Roth that the real reason the COVID-19 pandemic happened is because people voted for Hillary Clinton and wore shirts that said "I'm With Her," and Hillary Clinton is Jezebel and Bill Clinton is Ahab, so you see, it all makes sense.
"When Hillary Clinton was running for president, shirts were made, 'I'm With Her,'" Bullock said. "Well, now the Book of Revelation talks about Jezebel, and Bill and Hillary Clinton's life is perfectly paralleled with Ahab and Jezebel. That's who they are. And I mean, perfectly parallel."
"When they started putting shirts, 'I'm With Her,' the Lord showed me in the Book of Revelation, he said, 'I will make a bed, and those who commit fornication with her, they will go into great tribulation,'" Bullock continued. "Then it says, 'I will kill her children with death.' This means a pestilence or a plague. So, when they voted for Hillary Clinton—I'm just being bold right here and telling you something—when they voted for this, the champion of abortion herself, when they voted for this, it brought the coronavirus. That's where it came from."
So to recap — 3,000 years ago (Jezebel supposedly having died in 842 BCE), God said that anyone who fornicated with Jezebel would go into great tribulation and he'd murder their kids with death. He said this in English, of course, because of how important the specific words "with her" were to this. The fornication? Or the "adultery" as it says in other translations? Not a problem. It's the "with her" that is an issue. After all, if adultery were a problem for God, he probably would have chosen someone other than Donald Trump to be President. God is totes chill about adultery, as we all well know.
Fast forward to four years ago, when God saw a bunch of people wearing "I'm With Her" shirts and got so mad because by "Don't fornicate with her or I'll murder your kids with death," he meant don't do anything with any woman ever. Don't even go to the store with one! Just the mere phrase "With Her" in any context is apparently enough to send God flying into a rage.
He then waited three years and then, when nobody was looking, threw down a novel coronavirus in China, where Hillary Clinton was not even running for anything, so that it would then come to the US and kill people here, but not specifically just people who voted for Hillary Clinton or their children. And he also gave it to Donald Trump, his chosen candidate for President of the United States, but did not give it to Hillary Clinton.
Well, if that isn't entirely plausible, I don't know what is.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse