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By now you know the story, because it is a tale as old as time. Democratic senator lady scares dumbfuck white conservatives, so they dig into her past for something to OWN THE LIBS on about her, they find she claimed at one point in her professional career to have Native American heritage, they make up a lie that she used her Native American heritage to get ahead in life, then they decide she lied about her Native American heritage in the first place. Many of them start calling her Pocahontas, because that's just so very side-splitting-ly funny. The president of the United States likes to zing "Pocahontas" all the time during his Hitler rallies, and offers a million dollars to the charity of the senator's choice if she can prove her Native American heritage, and then when she does it, he forgets all about his earlier promise and they all lived happily ever after, even though they're all going to still call her Pocahontas until the day comically avoidable injuries claim their earthly lives.

(By the way, that charity of her choice is the National Indigenous Women's Resource Center. Hit them up with some dollars, since President FuckStupid ain't never gonna #PayUp. Probably doesn't even have a million dollars, what a big poor jerk.)

We live in the stupidest of all Americas. We wish Elizabeth Warren didn't have to deal with this shit in the first place, and if we are being very honest, we question why she even did this right now at this very second. If she wants to run for president, that's fine, but can we get through the fucking midterms first, considering how they're literally the most consequential election of our lifetimes? Meh, whatever.

As you might imagine, though, wingnuts have had some pretty dumb reactions to all of this, so we will count down the five dumbest ones we found while doing a perfunctory scan of the internet before we got real bored.


5: This obvious lie from an assmouth who's paid not to know better.

Oh hey, Dana Loesch, what up.

Nope, you fucking assmouth, the Boston Globe reported that story fully and found Elizabeth Warren's claim to Native American (specifically Cherokee, according to what she's heard from her OKLAHOMA FAMILY WHERE THAT'S KINDA FUCKING COMMON) has never helped her get ahead, and moreover, that she never tried to use it that way.

4 and 3 (tie): Breitbart and Daily Caller play Dueling Dipshits as they attempt to do #Science

We do not know who is dumber here, so we'll just call it a tie.

Benny Johnson, who was fired from BuzzFeed for fucking plagiarizing listicles, is now at the Daily Caller apparently, where bein' dumber than a box of syphilitic dildos is a job requirement, and he has #ScienceThoughts about Warren's DNA test. In his headline, he guffaws that Warren's test found that she has less Native American blood than most regular white European-American Caucasians! Only problem is that Warren's test results say that she is, on the low end, .098 percent Native and on the high end three percent. The average for European-Americans is .18 percent, which means his headline only works if ... well, it would work better if he hadn't INCLUDED THE FACTS WE JUST FUCKING TOLD YOU IN HIS SECOND AND THIRD PARAGRAPHS.

People who can read can learn, from Benny Johnson's article, that it's a hell of a lot more likely that Warren has more Native American DNA than the average dumb cracker, not less.

But hey, whatever works. #MathIsHard and we imagine the Daily Caller knows most of its readers are unwilling/unable to read past the headline, so mission accomplished.

Meanwhile over at Breitbart, the theme of the day is GOTCHA! as Joel Pollak fluffs himself into a lather explaining that Warren's test didn't even use Native American DNA to determine if Warren has Native American DNA! Of course, Pollak kicks the ball into his own goal when he points out IN HIS OWN FUCKING ARTICLE that the methodology of the study relies on DNA from Native DNA from Mexico, Colombia and Peru, citing a relative lack of samples from North America. Pollak points out IN HIS OWN FUCKING ARTICLE that the Stanford researcher -- as opposed to the Breitbart fucknipple -- who did the analysis used those samples because scientists are fairly certain the common ancestors for many of these folk came across the Bering Strait thousands of years ago and spread out to different points in the Western hemisphere, thus sharing DNA.

With the trademark "DURRRRR WHAT IS SCIENCE ANYWAY" confidence of somebody who eats glue, Pollak scoffs that in order to believe the researcher's analysis, you'd have to have "faith" in the Stanford researcher's science. Next thing you know, we'll be having "faith" in the 99.9% of scientists who say global warming is real!

Better to keep our fists up our asses and be skeptical of all of this. After all, the scientist is probably a George Soros mouthpiece, just like Elizabeth Warren.

2 and 1 ('nother tie): These 'comedy' tweets from very hilarious conservative comedy LOLers. You cannot make us rank them.

Oh hey Ann Coulter, how's your funny bone doin'?

OK.

And you, Dennis Miller?

Sure thing.

Are there more dumb reactions to Warren's DNA test? Bet your ass. We gonna read 'em? Bite me.

And now it's your OPEN THREAD.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Deutsche Bank shitcanned its own internal compliance reports to disappear suspicious Trump and Kushner transactions and make sure Treasury never got wind of them? You mean the bank that continued to make loans to Trump after every other lender tapped out, that accepted his overnight doubling of his "net worth" by claiming his brand was worth $4 billion, that continued to write him checks after he defaulted and then sued them claiming the 2008 financial crisis was an "act of God?" Those prudent beancounters cut corners to benefit their wealthy clients? FAM, WE ARE SHOOK.

No, not really. It would be shocking to find out that the private wealth managers let algorithms work their magic on high net worth individuals and turned the reports over to Treasury like they would for some guy making $75,000 who got a $19,000 wire from the Isle of Man. The rules for rich people are different, and Deutsche Bank did not get to be part of the "Global Laundromat" by taking all those anti-money laundering statutes literally. (And if you think the other big banks aren't doing the exact same thing, the Easter Bunny has a bridge to sell you. This is why Elizabeth Warren freaks the finance guys out -- she knows where all the bodies are buried.)

At the same time, this story in the New York Times about Deutsche Bank compliance officer Tammy McFadden getting fired for pointing out Trump and Kush's hinky transactions in 2016 -- including some with Russians, natch -- is pretty ridiculous. With regulators on two continents breathing down their necks for laundering Russian money, DB's private wealth bankers were allowed to swoop in and save their clients from any of that icky federal snooping into their questionable transactions.

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To be honest, we're not 100 percent sure who's right in the argument over whether 2020 Democratic primary candidates should do town halls on Fox News, though we suspect it's Elizabeth Warren, because she's usually right. But if you are going to do it, then Pete Buttigieg showed us all how you should do it, which is to make sure you get all the way under the skin of Fox News's most regular viewer, the chunk of human cells and pigshit who lounges around the White House all day watching TV and apparently not (thank God) doing much work.

In fact, the president was whining hours before the town hall even started:

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