ARE YOU READY FOR BLOOOOOMBERG????? (No.) (Your Vegas Democratic Debate LIVEBLERG!)
Hey fuckers. You know who's mad tonight? ME. It's not you, specifically, unless it was you, specifically (it's entirely possible it was you, specifically), but MAMA MAD. I've been mad all week. Maybe I've been mad ALL YEAR! I've definitely been mad all day. And the MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, THE FUCKING ANGRIER I AM.
LET'S FUCKING LIVEBLOOG.
8:45 PM: Tom Perez is doing some hyperactive screamy annoying thing and ... he really doesn't have a future as a televangelist, not that I have any idea what makes a good televangelist so maybe he does.
8:52 PM: Watching Steve Kornacki explain that Bloomberg has zoomed into the "number two spot" while he shows a graphic showing Bloomberg and Warren tied.
WE FUCKING SEE YOU MSNBC.
Gonna have a goddamn aneurysm.
9:00 PM: And we have a new face in the gladiator clips at the top of the show, it's somebody I'm unfamiliar with because I don't vote for Republicans.
(Guys, will I vote for him over Trump? Of course, shut up, Jesus Christ.)
LESTER HOLT: Bernie and Bloomberg, will you please fight?
Bernie Sanders: MY PLEASURE. STOP AND FRISK WILL NOT GROW VOTER TURNOUT.
Warren is raising her hand, let's count how many times they don't call on her.
BERNIE STILL TALKING: AND CLIMATE CHANGE.
Holt goes to Bloomberg, who talks about 160 million people wanting to ... keep their health insurance?
HEY LIZ WARREN INTERRUPTED, THIS IS UNHEARD OF.
She calls him a billionaire who talks about "fat broads and horse-faced lesbians" SHE HATE BLOOMBERG LIKE AMY HATE PETE.
OH wait, you know who else hate Bloomberg like Amy hate Pete? AMY. AND PETE.
Here is a link to MSNBC on Facebook, since they apparently own this event in the public interest and won't let it be embedded where you might want to watch it. I SEE YOU MSNBC.
Update: Now that it's all over, we can embed the YouTube. Dang ol MSNBC,
9:10 PM: Amy with "he told us all to get out of the race this morning," and Pete with "how about a candidate who's actually a Democrat?" THIS IS VICIOUS AND I FUCKING LOVE IT.
OH DAMN, Pete, getting a roundhouse from Bernie about being supported by billionaires instead of the working class, pounds on Bernie for being "at war" with the Culinary Union "right here in Las Vegas" which is, yes, a thing that happened. This is just fists flying and boobs jiggling and hair gnashing and teeth ripping. This is wrestling in creamed corn, with elbows in Bernie's eye and a bite in Pete's tuchus.
9:15 PM: Bernie is disavowing Bernie Bros, saying they should not be Bernie Bros while also denying that they particularly exist and that who REALLY gets it is Nina Turner. Pete is about to be like "NAH" but Bernie filibusters, and says, "I AM A UNION GUY it is UNTHINKABLE that my followers would go after the union." *But they are.* And here comes Pete with his quiet reasonable voice, and here comes Amy to say "VOTE FOR ME (or presumably Warren) and we will not be sexist anymore!"
AAAAAND here comes the 40 minutes on Medicare For All. Is the country ready for it? How will we pay for it? What about choice? What about the culinary union? CHUCK FUCKING TODD WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY.
9:20 PM: Oyez Oyez cometh Liz Warren to accuse Pete of "a powerpoint" plan for healthcare, while Amy's is "like a post-it." DANG SICK LIZ IS MEAN!
Pete with equanimity: "I'm more of a Microsoft Word guy." LOL Pete. Now that Bloomberg is here, I don't even hate you at all!
Amy: You know who invented Post-Its?
9:25 PM: Not sure what Biden's yelling about, I need a drink. Oh, it's M4A because it will NEVER ENNNNND.
Warren is here to lizsplain to Buttigieg what the four costs to families in healthcare are. "You can't just stand here and trash a plan to give healthcare to everyone without a plan of your own."
Liz met a man in Reno just to watch him die :(
9:30 PM: Lester Holt has a question about Stop & Frisk. Bloomberg has a bullshit answer. And who's GRR MAD ABOUT IT? The guy who wrote the crime bill, Joe Biden. (I believe that he's mad about it, for the record. It's just ... oh I'm tired.)
Bloomberg says if we took off everyone who was wrong about criminal justice at some point in their careers, nobody would be left. And he's right! But you can be wrong SOMETIMES or you can be wrong ALL THE TIME, and the guy who was a Republican until 10 minutes ago, and who's still talking about "the housing collapse came from giving loans to black people," is wrong ALL THE TIME. (Except on guns and climate change.)
9:35 PM: Bernie Sanders does it matter that you had a heart attack five months ago?
Bernie Sanders: NO.
Pete Buttigieg makes some dishonest noises about how it doesn't matter that much that Bernie had a heart attack, what matters is HOW WILL HE PAAAAAY FOR CHOICE OF M4A and I am going to kill myself again, JUST AM.
Mayor Bloomberg, will you release your tax returns?
Bloomberg: for sure! But 'I can't just go to Turbotax,' it takes some time!
(Oh hey it turns out Bernie released his tax returns last year.)
Amy says she can go to Turbotax, and that her standing heart rate invented Post-Its.
Bloomberg, answering a question about how he loves to say gross shit about women, says he has no tolerance for the behavior exposed by #metoo. Unless it's Charlie Rose. He says women have equal pay and responsibility in his empire.
Warren has NO PATIENCE FOR THAT. "I hope you've heard what his defense was: 'I've been nice to some women'"
She's brutalizing him, and here comes Biden to hold him down.
9:45 PM: Bloomberg claims he can't release women from their NDAs because they were "consensual." The crowd's not booing him, they're saying BLOOOOOOOmberg!
9:51 PM: Pete goes after Amy like he's Amy going after Pete, about "she didn't know the name of the Mexican president," which is a thing that happened too, but here comes Warren on a white horse to say we all can forget a name and it's not like she doesn't understand stuff, she forgot a name, and here comes Biden to say "I KNOW HIM I KNOW EVERYONE" and now Amy is debating whether we should call cartels terrorist organizations and Biden KNOWS THE CARTELS HIM AND EL CHAPO WERE IN NAM TOGETHER.
EVERYBODY GO SMOKE.
10 PM: Jon Ralston asks about climate change.
Biden has an answer, but it PROBABLY won't beat up on Bloomberg, since he is very very good on climate change so. Bloomberg gets fucking APPLAUSE for "rejoin Paris"? We need Cory Booker here to say "that's just the price of admission." Now Jon Ralston is asking a 15-minute long question, as I would also do.
10:05 PM: Warren, having white-knighted Klobuchar (is that offensive?), now attacks her again for thinking "small" on the environment. And you can like Klobuchar and recognize her climate strategy is woefully inadequate. But yeah, fracking was supposed to be a "bridge" 15 years ago. Time's up.
10:10 PM: And here comes Warren interrupting AGAIN, to call out the need for environmental justice for the poor and minority communities. In every other debate she got a max of four minutes. Now she's the undisputed leader of SEIZING THE GODDAMN DISCOURSE.
Now, OF COURSE this is a Warren Fan Blog, you all know that, we don't hide it. But has everyone been waiting for AGGRESSIVE WARREN to come out, or is it unladylike and upsetting? Ready, TELL ME.
10:20 PM: Now CHUCK TODD is savaging Bloomberg for his remarks on redlining? WHO IS THAT MASKED MODERATOR.
Bernie and Bloomberg are fighting about communism. Elizabeth Warren would like to INTERRUPT with an idea that WILL WORK, she likes to call it a "two cent wealth tax." HOW BOUT THAT BLOOMBERG OH YOU DONT GET TO ANSWER BECAUSE FELIZABETH? (That is "filibuster" and "Elizabeth.")
10:25 PM: Now Bernie will explain to the Republican on the stage about "socialism for the rich and rugged individualism for the poor." Thank you Bernie! You may assist Warren in sweeping the shards of Bloomberg off the stage.
Cometh Biden to remind everyone he is poor. HI JOE!
10:30 PM: Warren says "Amy and Joe's hearts are in the right place, but we can't be so desperate to be liked by Mitch McConnell," and then she goes after Pete like a common Amy and now Amy PISSED, and it's possible Warren may have finally overstepped.
10:35 PM: Pete, why is it awesome for Bloomberg to spend money on buying Congress but not on the presidency?
Pete: He should spend it all on beating Trump for sure! But you don't get to buy the presidency. I mean, this is an obvious answer, and it's correct. And then all of a sudden he pivots to "Bernie wants to burn the house down." You'd think he'd go after Our Girl, she's the one to stop tonight!
And now Warren is schooling Joe Biden on "Mitch McConnell, why he suck" and Joe MAD.
Hey lol remember when Liz Warren was like "all the other ones are too mean, I will do unity?" Yeah U-N-I-T-Y maybe.
WHO YOU CALLING A BITCH.
10:45 PM: Chuck Todd asks, "convention 'works its will' or the person with the most delegates wins."
They alllll want a brokered convention except the guy who's gonna have the most delegates. Meh, I'm a plurality person. You don't need a majority to win the presidency, you shouldn't need it for the nom.
Amy: This has been quite a debate! I do not have a heart condition! Trump does not have a heart!
Bloomberg: Pick the technocratic manager, IT ME, Trump's a bad manager and it's no way to run a railroad and he has a catch phrase and it is "you did a bad job, you're out of here."
Pete: Heartfelt! Reasonable! Not yelling like a harpy like some people!
Warren: Guess who's a fighter? My mom. Killed a man once. I helped bury him in the back yard.
Joe: Oh sorry, Joe is the designated hecklee tonight, he will not get a closing statement oh he will, he will get knocked down and get up again. Joe is Chumbawamba.
And Bernie: MOBILIZE IT!
Okay you guys, I already wrote Tabs for the morning, and between us it's REALLY MAD, I WAS SO MAD, HONESTLY THERE ARE NO TABS IN IT JUST ME YELLING AT YOU BECAUSE MAD.
And now it's 11 p.m. and I'm not rewriting it to put in all these lovely tabs I've been collecting at you, you are just going to have to read it and avert your eyes in the morning, but do know: I AM NOT MAD ANYMORE, I WORKED IT ALL OUT THROUGH ELIZABETH WARREN.
Amy still mad though. She just stalked off the stage.
GIVE US SOME GODDAMNED MONEY, WE ARE FUCKING KILLING OURSELVES HERE, I HATE YOU.
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.