John Ashcroft believes that the devil walks among us, but that didn't stop him from letting strangers into his home -- even those who might be gay, or the devil, for that matter (as though there was a difference!). A Wonkette operative attended the most uptight open house in Christendom.

While driving on Capitol Hill this weekend, I saw a beautiful home for sale around 3rd and East Capitol. Since they were having an open house, I decided to stop inside to see how much they were asking ...

I walked inside, picked up the brochure and immediately noticed the multiple glossy photos of Ronald Reagan. It wasn't shocking that I was in a Republican's house (although I can't remember the last time ...) but I was intrigued by the Missouri license plate "1" on the wall. Since I was reasonably certain it wasn't Carnahan's house, that left one unsettling option left ... the assorted photos of John Ashcroft with old white men gave it away.

Things I did see inside the Ashcroft house:

• Watercolors of sailboats

• Invitation to the White House ostentatiously left on the kitchen counter

• Glossy photos of President Reagan

• Bible

Things I did not see:

• Glossy photos of Michael Moore

• Playstation 2

• Invitation to the watersports tent at Hedonism 4

Continued after the jump...

The bedrooms gave off the type of warmth normally reserved for Marriott Courtyards, although without the feeling that something dirty might ever have occurred there. I assumed the bedroom with the two twin beds were for John and his wife Jane, who - fulfilling their godly obligation to perform the unsavory task of procreation - have now constructed a permanent 3 foot buffer zone between them. No monkey business there.

Left alone in the surprisingly small kitchen, I was overcome with the incredible urge to violate some civil liberties and remove something from the Ashrcroft home. The obvious choice was the invitation from Laura Bush to the White House THAT HE LEFT ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER. I ultimately decided, however, that it might not be the best idea to steal from the author of the Patriot Act. That might make me a pussy, but at least I'm a free pussy.

I wish I knew all it would take to get Ashcroft to leave town was $1.1 million ... I could have taken up a collection years ago. Goodnight sweet prince, don't ever come back.