Ask a Hill Staffer: Drugs, Gays, and Caning

This week, on an all-new installment of Ask a Hill Staffer: History! And violence! And sex! It's a trip down memory lane, from ancient Senate Lore to those faded days of glory holes to intoxicated reflecting pool madcappery, all courtesy our good friend, the Anonymous Hill Staffer.


AHS, back at work along with our elected officials (and always looking to answer your questions), was fairly terse when delivering this installment. "Nothing special this week: drugs, gays, and caning." And that's what you have to look forward to, after the jump.

I'm coming up to the Hill this summer as a legislative intern. Does Congress do anything big or exclusive to celebrate July 4th...and will I be invited to these events?

Congratulations, a legislative intern! Is that better than a regular intern? Sounds like you're well on your way to a life of being a nerdy Hill staffer. For the 4th, I think the best thing you can hope for is a ticket to the orchestra that plays in front of the Capitol during the fireworks. Possibly you might get a ticket to whatever shitty band they bring in, like the washed up Beach Boys playing without Brian Wilson. Unless you're in your 50's, those options are pretty lame so I'll tell you what I did for the 4th as an intern. I got really wasted off of jell-o shots, and then headed down with some fellow interns to the Lincoln Memorial thinking I'd grab a seat somewhere. Here's an insider's tip: people start camping out for Mall spots around 9 in the morning, which makes stumbling around drunk in a sea of suburban families pretty difficult! It started pouring and thundering like an hour before the fireworks were supposed to go off, so we all started fucking around in the reflecting pool. This was not too bright, because it is a stagnant cesspool and running around in a large pool during a thunderstorm is incredibly retarded for obvious reasons. We made it out without getting hepatitis or being electrocuted, though. Then, because we were drunk and covered in reflecting pool slime, a local news station interviewed us, which was also pretty dumb...if any of the staffers in our office had seen that, we would have surely been fucked. After that, I just went home because I was thoroughly disgusting, and missed the fireworks. What I should have done: gone out to the Mall in the afternoon, staked out a decent spot, and eaten an eighth of shrooms. Give it a shot and let us know how it goes!

I just read the Wall Street Journal article about bickering and partisanship in the Hill Softball leagues. Is Hill softball fun? Is everything on the Hill as desperate and pathetic as this article makes Hill Softball appear to be?

Hill Softball is only fun if you like drinking Milwaukee's Best in front of the Capitol and whacking a grapefruit sized ball around. Otherwise, no. As far as the Hill being desperate and pathetic, the answer there would have to be yes. From Pelosi's sad press conferences that not even Democrats are watching to an 85-year old Ted Stevens yelling at a chamber full of nobody, Hill softball mirrors Hill life pretty well. And as for the league breaking apart, well, isn't that what America is all about? The secessionist league broke off because their more conservative way of life was threatened. Expect the Union league to come in with cannons and cut a torched-earth swath across the Mall this summer so nobody can play softball. Then, expect a long period of rebuilding followed by a tenuous reconciliation. All the while, the Smithsonian guards will just go around beating the softball shit out of whomever they please, because they're fucking huge.

How much can you bench press?

You'd be surprised at how asinine some of the questions I get are...but this, by far, is the asininiest, which is why I'm going to answer it. I mean what the fuck does this have to do with anything? The answer is that I bench zero, because I have a health problem that prevents me from exercising. It's called functional alcoholism, you may have heard of it. Symptoms include lethargy and spending too much time in windowless drinking establishments. Since I'm stuck inside a Congressional office building all day, I have rickets, not to mention that I have a total lack of muscle definition. Happy, asswipe? Now everybody knows.

We're coming up on the 150th anniversary (May 22nd) of South Carolina Senator Preston Brooks beating Massachusetts Senator Charles Sumner with a cane in the Senate Chamber. Can we arrange a reenactment between John Kerry and Lindsey Graham in commemoration? And if they aren't willing to do it, who can we throw in there?

If you're not familiar with the Brooks caning of Sumner, it's a heartwarming historic tale about a legislator who wasn't determined not to be a total pussy. Sumner, a Northeastern liberal, threw the gauntlet down at Brooks, a southern conservative. Well, Brooks marched from the House floor to the Senate floor and gave Sumner a Singapore-style caning. Unfortunately, I think a Kerry-Graham rematch wouldn't be that exciting because Graham is as queer as a three dollar bill and Kerry thinks his favorite baseball player is Manny Ortiz. You can watch those two pansies play patty cake all day on the Senate floor if you want, and watching them in a caning reenactment would be even more boring. It just wouldn't be in the historical spirit of the caning. Instead, I would propose getting a conservative sonofabitch South Carolinian Congressman like Joe Wilson to go and beat the shit out of the bloated, defenseless over-the-hill Massachusetts liberal Senator Ted Kennedy with a cane. When it ends with a bloody Kennedy slumped over on the Senate floor, you've got your reenactment!

Are there any glory holes on the Hill? I know that there used to be a bathroom on the 4th floor of Longworth that used to get quite "congested". But that was in the 90's...so where do young horny gay republicans get some?

Well, there are some Republican Congressmen that may or may not have said glory holes in their offices...but for the most part, they all go to a special room in the RNC called the Sphere of Self Loathing (ethnic Republicans can also be seen here quite often). Once there, they fellate Ken Mehlman. If anybody squeals, they are castrated and then sent to work on campaigns in San Francisco. That'll teach them to be gay. Because as any Republican will tell you, god hates gays. I'd guess that the reason that bathroom in Longworth was like a truck stop bathroom in the 90's is because it was before Republicans decided to hate everybody as a part of campaign platform. You know, back when Republicans were as morally bankrupt as Democrats. The Democratic Party is now basically an inner circle of hell, as we all know.

Got a question? Ask away.

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