Ask a Hill Staffer: The Easy Answer

We love you guys. We really do. We asked for questions, and they came flooding in by the truckload. It was just like the mailbag scene in Miracle on 34th St., only with filthier language. So our Anonymous Hill Staffer went to work and wrote this week's installment in like ten drunken minutes.


After the jump: Gunfire! Lockdown! Love! Booze! And family vacations!

Hope you survived last week's drama in the RHOB. Any crazy shenanigans you can share with us?

I did survive, thanks. Unfortunately, I didn't really get any good stories out of it. I'm sure you saw the "send pizza" signs and the panic-attacked staffer, but I wasn't anywhere near that. Just like any other day, really... sitting inside, behind a cubicle desk, doing Congressy things. The only real problem was having to pee... luckily every Congressman has a private bathroom hidden in their office. The boss was nice enough to let us pee in there so we wouldn't get shot on the way to the bathroom. It was kind of weird walking through the boss' office on the way to his toilet though. Luckily that was all I had to deal with... I had a friend who had to number 2, which he said was really awkward. He walked in there with a newspaper and popped out 15 minutes later. You fill in the rest.

During bomb scares or scary noise-related Capitol lockdowns, does anyone ever engage in passionate not-much-time-left-on-this-earth office sex?

The easy answer would be yes, wouldn't it? Well think about a lockdown in a House office -- three offices, and the only privacy is in the Member's office. He or she might be getting it on, but unless it's with Mary Bono or Katherine Harris, I don't want to know about it. Sick. Otherwise, I guess you could have an office-wide orgy, but I've never heard of it happening. Where you do occasionally see office-sex is on the weekends... The Congressmen sure as shit aren't in their offices, and there aren't too many staffers who head in on the weekends to get extra work done. A clandestine rendezvous with another staffer is not that hard. I'm just saying that it happens.

Is it true that every Hill staffer, from the top of the food chain down to the lowliest intern, is there primarily because they want their own career as an elected politician?

It would be fair to say that most staffers come to the Hill because they want to run for office. However, I'd say only half the staffers on the Hill are "running." The "running" staffers are those keep themselves well-groomed, walk in the footsteps of their boss, and wear suspenders and/or bowties. They're pretty easy to spot. I'll let you guess if I'm "running" or not. I feel like (and this is just me) the staffers who are gearing up for life in elected office are the ones who can't see behind the white veneer of the Capitol steps. Those of us who stick around long enough become cynical, and if you're lucky, you become jaded. The people who stick around that long and don't see what is really going on are idiots, and they're the ones who go on to be City Councilmen, State Assemblymen, and child molesters.

What do you recommend for a family vacation to DC this summer?

I wouldn't go to the White House, but to K Street just east of the White House. You can show your kids all varieties of bums, and after dark, several varieties of hookers. While this may not be the best way to teach your kids about the storied history of these United States, it is a great way to point out the hypocrisy of our government. It's also a great example of irony for the kids! This would also work near the Capitol (however, there aren't nearly as many hookers.) Try Union Station -- only steps from Capitol! Bums shouting, bums without shoes, bums playing instruments.... Oh yeah, also check out the parade at the Marine Barracks on Friday nights. It's pretty awesome. It made me love America for like 2 whole hours. You can get tickets from your Congressman.

What kind of recreational sports to Hill staffers play?

A lot of Hill staffers are playing golf these days! Tiger Woods has made the game very popular. I personally don't know shit about golf. Well, I know a little. I think the subject of drinking can be looked at like the game of golf. I believe there should be handicaps allocated for the different skill levels of the players involved. For example, someone might have a higher handicap because of height and weight restrictions. Or you might have a little bit lower of a handicap because you have more weight to deal with. A handicap is given according to the potential of level of drinking as opposed to actual drinks consumed. Taking handicaps into consideration, I do believe that a short, skinny blond could drink me under the table. The difference between drinking and golf, however, is that watching alcohol consumption on TV doesn't make me go into a boredom-induced coma and it does not require ugly pants. Ugly pants are acceptable in a bar setting, however, if the wearer of said pants is a generous contributor to the slow deterioration of my liver. The good news is that "shots" are a common factor of both golf and drinking. There is also crossover appeal when you start drinking on the golf course! Jesus, I am an alcoholic.

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