All we can say is that our Anonymous Hill Staffer needs to get laid. There is notable lack of actual sex and a surfeit of the simulated variety this week, as well as a couple lessons in increasing your word power (among other things).


AHS also let us know that he'd been drinking less than usual this week, because, apparently, a lot of work has to get done in Congress before everyone skips town on Friday. It's Jesus' fault, natch. "It's his birthday or his anniversary coming up next week, so everyone's going home to be act like they're good Jesus-lovers." On that note, this week's installment of Ask A Hill Staffer is after the jump.

What are your thoughts on Andy Card stepping down as Bush's Chief of Staff?

Let's get to the bottom of this Andy Card thing, shall we? I have a theory that "Mr. Card" was really Bush's coke dealer, and he used to get the President some premium Bolivian marching powder. As we know, providing quality controlled substances for the President is a very important function of the CoS, and Andy really had a good thing going. The thing is, Andy accidentally gave him a bag of Anthrax that was being tested by the FBI, mistakenly believing that it was an eight ball confiscated by the DEA. Unfortunately for Andy it was just laying around unlabeled! Poor Andy. This is the fault of Dick Cheney, who previously had volunteered to keep things straight using a special sharpie. Silly Dick! Responsibilities are now being re-delegated to Dr. Condi Rice. Good for Condi! On the bright side, the health staff of the White House believes that snorting a line of Anthrax may actually have improved Bush's cognitive capacity.

What is the most ridiculous task your boss has asked you to do/ What is the craziest constituent phone call you have received?

In an answer that kind of fits both questions, we once had a constituent call in who was mad about getting porn spam emails, and wanted my boss to put an end to it. I mean, who doesn't like porn? Nobody doesn't like porn. What a crazy asshole. Well, we had to answer him anyway because our boss answers everybody. So we set our intern out looking up porn on the internet, trying to find out where this guy's porn was coming from. We didn't really expect her to look into it, but she did. So, 100's of teen sensation, penis enlargement, and fetish emails later, not to mention a severe infestation of spyware, we were still stumped. But we did get our intern to look up porn for about an hour, so it was well worth it. In the end, I think we told the guy that Congress passed a bill or something.

There are 'goo-goo' types on both sides of the aisle, right?

Man, what the HELL are you talking about? Don't make me feel retarded by using obscure phrases that I'm not familiar with. I know I went to a public school, but that's just not cool. I'll take a stab at it though and say "goo-goo type" means "crazy as balls" or maybe "senile." Well, yeah, in that case both sides have them. Lets look at the Carolinas for a few examples. First, you have Jesse Helms from North Cacalaca, who we now know has dementia, which I feel like I'll be going to hell for pointing out...but come on. He was a U.S. Senator up until a few years ago, zipping around the Capitol in an electric rascal. Didn't anybody say "hey Senator, you're as crazy as Ronnie Reagan, why not step down?" Well, maybe they did, but he was too crazy to listen. Not to be outdone, Fritz Hollings from South Carolina was pretty nuts before he retired. My favorite memory of him is on the floor of the Senate as he hopped around, waving his hands yelling things like "hibbidy dibbidy! Baloney!" Very Mr. Smith-esque, if Mr. Smith was an 85-year old with memory trouble and incontinence. I could probably pick an example from every state, but I won't. I'll leave that up to you, Mr. Fancy Words Guy.

This is not, I imagine, your area of expertise, but you might know anyway: I'm considering interning on the Hill, but have a fairly important question to get answered first. Namely, is the Hill a good place to pick up chicks, if one is a chick? My experiences interning at my state capitol have spoiled me, (you would be amazed how many Republican interns are interested in discrete Sapphic lovefests) and I'm curious whether the pickings are as good on a national level.

Since I had no idea what "goo-goo type" meant, I decided to actually look into the word Sapphic. So, in researching for this question the other day at work (and yes I do my own research, as Wonkette won't lend me the intern and I think I'd get fired for using the office interns), I googled the word "Sapphic." Does anybody know what comes up when you google the word Sapphic? I bet you're trying it right now. Well, for starters, I got "Lesbian-XXX," "Erotica," "Erotic Festival Warning Page," and "amazing quality teen lesbian videos and photos sets." And yes, I was doing this research at work, so it was a little awkward when my Chief of Staff happened to walk by. Point being, now that I know what you're getting at...this is a fairly important question. For the love of God, I hope there are Sapphic lovefests going on all over the Hill for both our sakes. If you can't find any, I'd certainly encourage you to start some. Be sure to invite me so I can report back to the readers here.

Is security around the Hill adequate? If I had a machete would it get through the crack security team?

I used to bring a Swiss Army knife in all the time, so as long as your machete can fold up into your pocket I think you'll be fine. Also, I think if you painted your machete like a blackberry, you should be OK if you send it through the x-ray machine. That might fool them. Or distract them with some porn as you walk through--flash a centerfold right as your machete passes through and you'll cruise on by. Works every time! And in related news, I think I've been over this before, but something to watch out for is the drug smuggling. Those officers sometimes pay attention to the x-ray machines now, so if you must bring drugs into the Capitol complex--as you go through security, please jock them like you're going to a Phish concert in high school. It's for your own good. Regardless of what they look like, they are real cops and they will throw a good olde-fashioned hippy beat down party if they catch you.

You got questions? We got snide responses.

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