Ask a Hill Staffer: Worse Than Incest

Each week here at Wonkette, we take your questions and pass them off to a congressional employee -- it's like writing your congressman, but without pretending anyone important will ever see your letter. We think the endless rain got to our Anonymous Hill Staffer this week. He seems a bit down. Though it easily could've been your depressing questions.

After the jump: Intraparty sex:Interparty sex::incest:cheating. Or something.

I'm working on a congressional campaign in a hotly contested district. If the candidate wins, I have been told that I will have a job on the hill working for him. What sort of job should I ask for? What should I avoid?

I would ask to be made Legislative Director. That always seemed like a good job to me, because I wasn't exactly sure what they were directing. I know they get paid a lot though. I think basically what an LD does is tell the other two or three people doing legislative work what to do, then signs the Members name when it's all done. Did I mention they get paid a shit ton of money? Well, a shit ton more than me at least. However, I think it's more likely that you would become a Staff Assistant. You should try to avoid that, but good luck, sucker. You'll be a glorified intern before you know it -- answering phones, making coffee, and giving tours until the interns show up, at which time you will do nothing.

I feel like keep meeting the same people over and over again in DC, and then I realized that 'Yes, I am meeting the exact same people over and over again.' Is it fair to say that everyone on the Hill knows each other and that within the parties it is only 2 degrees of separation?

Yes. It is fair. It's worse than incest. The same people get the same jobs, and there's not much coming in from the outside. People don't really get "out" that much in the world of politics, which is why not much ever really changes in politics. I was watching the documentary Mr. Smith Goes to Washington earlier today, and even though it was filmed in the 1930's, the same kinds of fat cats are running Congress and demolishing boys camps in order to make their rich buddies richer back in the home state. Luckily Senator Smith was able to stand up to those fat cats. It's too bad that nobody in Congress these days is willing to stand up for what is right like Senator Smith. See, he came from the outside, and was able to do what was right. He beat the incest of Washington politics. Which is hard to do, because inbreeding has only made politicos in DC more and more retarded (which makes them very hard to deal with. Imagine how much worse it has gotten since the 30's when Senator Smith was around!)

If someone sleeps with multiple members within the same political party -- it's not technically cheating, right?

You people should read the bible more. It says something about not cheating near the front. Maybe you have read the bible though, and that's why you want to find the cheating loopholes. Sleeping around within your party doesn't count as cheating, but it's not that much fun either. However, once you step outside of Beltway, the party rule is out the window. This is because party affiliation doesn't matter to any sexual partner outside of the Beltway. And since you don't seem to be following, I'll spell it out. Nobody cares about politics, so you're irrelevant. Being the Press Secretary for some Senator might get you laid in the Hart building, but it will probably get you laughed at anywhere else. I have a feeling this is part of the reason I'm never getting laid.

What's the worst thing about working on the Hill?

I don't get too many questions as open ended as this. It's a great way to get the creative juices flowing. I would have to say that the worst part about working on the Hill is that every day is like Groundhog Day. You know, like the Bill Murray movie where he woke up in the same day every day and the same shit happened over and over. In the movie though, Bill Murray did cool stuff like learn how to play the piano and find creative ways to kill himself. Unfortunately, I'm too busy sorting through constituent mail and answering questions about what our trade deficit is in order to learn how to play the piano or think too much about suicide. There isn't any creativity to this job... you go in, write some mail, waste some time on the internet, maybe call another office to cosponsor a bill or sign your boss onto a Congressional letter, and go home. Congress really isn't as exciting as Dana Bash tries to make it out to be. It's more like working in a huge ass law firm with 10,000 employees all in one spot. There are 535 principals -- the Members and the Senators -- and the rest are just office rats. Even though you think you are "making a difference," it's all bullshit. You might as well work at a huge ass law firm and make more money. But working at a huge ass law firm totally sucks... so why do either? I'm still trying to figure that one out. Let me get back to you. I guess this is just a personal point of view though, as I have excluded the obvious point that realizing a bunch of boobs run the largest economy in the world, well, sucks pretty bad.

If you hate working on the Hill so much, why do you stay?

Damn, this is a good question too. I guess I have to get back to you sooner than I wanted to. I wanted to put off confronting my own professional disappointments for as long as possible. Damn you, faithful reader. I've actually gotten this question a lot in some form or another lately, so I might as well face it. I think I stay mainly to support my lifestyle as a functional alcoholic. Seriously. There's nothing but boredom and disappointment around every corner of the halls of Congress. I'm not stimulated intellectually, professionally, sexually (seriously, Democrats -- let's work on hottie recruitment)... so why do I stay? It's just easy enough working here that I really don't have to think about the problems in my own world or the world at large. Plus, it's just depressing enough that I want to go home and get loaded out of my mind as soon as 6:01 P.M. rolls around. They pay well too... so I can get loaded every day, come in hungover, and do my part to keep the wheels of Congress turning. Oh, and the benefits are ridiculous. Have I ever mentioned that? Uncle Sam makes sure that it's employees get Cadillac health insurance on the cheap, a great retirement system, and $100 worth of Metro checks every month. The list goes on, but it would probably make you sick. I don't want you throwing up on your keyboard -- then your boss would know you've been reading Wonkette. Anyway, I'm sure I'll work up the balls to move on from here someday... but for now it's just working too well!

Question? Ask.


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