Ask a Lobbyist: Sexual Flavors

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn't. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her.

When meeting with potential legislative "partners" do you find it best to wear pantyhose or leggings with a garter belt? I mean, which one is more likely to grab and hold the attention of the mostly male political johns you work with?

First off, when you head for Vicki's to buy some sexy underwear for your new lady, they're called stockings, not leggings. Leggings are this frighteningly recurrent fashion trend that encompasses everything from stretch pants to semi-opague footless tights. I shudder at the thought that they might be paired with a garter belt. So, um, yeah, don't think that I'd be attracting anyone but the Fashion Police if I tried lobbying in leggings and a garter belt.

That said, the secret to getting appropriate attention paid both to my physical attributes and that which I'm actually selling (policy positions) is not to slut it up too much. If a dude knows from seeing bare thigh that I'm wearing stockings and garters and not pantyhose, then I've crossed the line and nothing I say is going to attract any attention -- and there's no use showing leg to get a vote if the idiot doesn't remember what I wanted him to do. Same goes for my tits -- I can't exactly hide or even really camouflage them, but that means I don't have to show but a hint of cleavage in a well-fitting suit and it's both far more noticeable and infinitely more intriguing than 4 inches of push-up-bra-enhanced cleavage. The goal is to make a man feel the need to pay attention to what I'm saying to try and find out what's under the suit, not to show him the goodies and hope he's grateful enough to do what I want. That never works.

And, as anyone in Washington knows, summertime means neither pantyhose nor stockings. If your office has a no-bare-legs dress code, well, you wear pants but you don't sheathe your legs in nylon or silk in 98 degree weather. I'm going to guess that goes over just fine with the seersucker-clad class here.

On average, would you say most politicians (if they could, which we know they don't) accept sexual favours over money as a means of getting things done?

Well, I guess that would depend on if they could keep getting sexual favors without having to do anything for them, and how likely they would be to get caught with the money. I mean, men can pay for pussy, but pussy generally doesn't bring them money (unless you're Wayne Brady).

Sexual favors don't show up in bank accounts and are easier to hide than money, to a degree. However, Capitol Hill is really just a large high school where everyone knows everyone else's business, so nothing stays too hidden for too long, and staffers are going to have some clue who the boss is banging when he changes his vote. Of course, if you put your bribes in the freezer or spend it on booze, a couple of strippers or an AOL account, you still might not get noticed, at least for a while, and very few Congress Members are hard up for willing, no-strings-attached sex partners. So, it really is a toss-up. I'd guess sex might win out in a close race, though.

I remember a number of years ago an Oregon Senator, Bob Packwood, was censured for, among other things, inappropriate sexual overtures to a number of female lobbyists. How far over the line did Packwood go compared to what you deal with on a regular basis?

Look, there's a lot of distance between "inappropriate sexual overtures" and what Packwood did. Some drunk, married Congressman slurringly asking me to go grab a beer or 15 with him at Tryst with a wink is an inappropriate overture. Even the stuff that the Senate Ethics Committee actually found him guilty of goes way beyond that -- the man literally chased, grabbed, forcibly kissed and held women down while groping their breasts and genitals. That's a long way beyond inappropriate overtures and into the kind of territory that results in explanations to the Capitol Police of why your nuts are pinned to your desk with a letter opener.

Most of my experience has been more of the drunken wink and a nod type, or the whole standing a little too close, one hand lightly resting in the small of my back while speaking into my ear kind of thing. I mean, I did go to college and I know what boys like and I know equally well how to deal with that behavior in a manner that doesn't piss a man off or hurt his fragile ego. Most Congress Members are bright enough to catch on and smart enough not to get pissed about it. There's far too many easy girls in DC to get pissed if you're not one girl's particular flavor.


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