Ask Wonkette: Washington Do's and Don'ts

Wonkette occasionally provides guidance to troubled souls and also answers questions about D.C. sexual etiquette. P.F. in New York asks:

Ed Klein is quoted in this week's New York magazine saying, "A man who masturbated in the Oval Office with a cigar shouldn't be going around leering at women and kissing them on the mouth." Why is that? What is the connection?
We understand why you're confused, P -- Klein's clearly confusing his Macanudos with his panochas, making it sound like it was Bill getting stuck with the stogie. The stogie was elsewhere, of course. However, Klein has given us glimpse into the D.C. Code of Conduct, penance division. This is a town of trade-offs, after all. They don't always make sense, but they're always enforced.

Send your quandaries to

Ed Klein’s Canoodle Kerfuffle [NY Magazine]

If you...Then you can't...
Stick a cigar into your intern's hoo-ha in the Oval Office......mouth-kiss women.
Compare anyone or anything to Hitler......not cry.
Misrepresent intelligence in order to drum up support for invading another country... ... get your Social Security reform passed.
Advertise your availability as a gay hooker on the Internets... ... be a White House correspondent. (Sorry, Helen!)
Refuse to reveal the identity of an anonymous source... ... drop the soap in the shower.
Defraud Native American tribes of hundreds of thousands of dollars... .... keep your correspondance course degree in Talmudic studies
Have a network devoted to pounding your party's message into people's heads 24-7... ...let anyone forget that the New York Times is full of liberal bias!
Have three heart attacks while in office... ... understand the meaning of the term "last throes."

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