Ecuador Tells Julian Assange To Get Off The Couch, Or They're Taking His Cat

Earlier this week, the Ecuadorian embassy in the UK told Julian Assange that it would evict him if he didn't stop being a slob and start taking care of his cat. Assange responded today by announcing he is taking legal action and claiming Ecuador violated his human rights by making him do his own laundry and pay rent. (He is reminding us of THIS awesome dude, who sued his parents for refusing to live anymore with a dude as awesome as he.) Pretty soon they're going to tell him to do things like "get a job" and "move out." GAWD, parents and embassies offering asylum to scumbag freeloaders are just the worst!

In a special protocol that's written entirely en español, the embassy says it's putting its foot down: Assange has to start following new rules if he wants to keep crashing on their couch. Starting December 1, Assange will have to pay for the food, laundry, and other necessities he seemingly has sponged for the past six years. They also want him to start paying for quarterly medical check-ups, 'cause goddamn does that dude need some sunlight! The embassy says that he can have guests over, but first they have to check in with his landlords (AKA the government of Ecuador), and he can't have any more than three friends over at a time. Assange fought for his right to party, and lost. Badly.

Assange is also being asked to start taking better care of his cat, Michi (that's Ecuadorian for "cat"). Assange, according to the embassy, will now be responsible for the cat's "well-being, food, hygiene and proper care." If he can't, they say they'll give it to someone who can, or just give it to a shelter. We're sure there's PLENTY of people in London that would love a "counter-purrveillance" kitty. Sure, the smell of cat shit is the least of their problems, but why can't Assange clean a litter box like a normal teenager?

Fun Fact: The cat has an Instagram account where Assange dresses it up in silly costumes.

We're rather confident that Assange is pissed about being forced to act like adult, but we assume he's even more upset that the government banned him from any dicking around in the foreign affairs of other countries. The embassy kicked him off the internet in March after he called a British MP a "snake" on Twitter, a diplomatic incident the Ecuadorian government said "puts at risk the good relations that the country maintains with the United Kingdom." Assange had previously been kicked off the internet after he leaked the DNC emails during the 2016 elections, but he's never been grounded for this long. It was only this past Sunday that the embassy finally gave him their WiFi password on the condition he only use it for his phone and personal computer. They were very strict that he can't hook up any extra gizmos and force them to spend another $5 million dollars in cleaning up his messes.

Assange's legal team say his "basic human dignity as an asylee" is being violated, and the he's living in "virtually a prison regime." His lawyers argue that "journalists" (COUGH Glenn Greenwald COUGH) trying to meet with him have to disclose private information about themselves, like their names, email address, and who they work for -- top secret shit no journalist has EVER had to reveal! Anyone visiting Assange is also subject to warrantless searches, and they have to log the access codes and serial numbers for their electronic devices before visiting a dickhead who's been hacking government computers since he was a teenager. Assange has hired Baltasar Garzon, a disgraced former judge from Spain who was caught wiretapping prisoners and grifting, to rep him in court proceedings set to begin next week in Ecuador. (Garzon is also the guy who got Pinochet on a human rights beef, but everything seems to have gone downhill from there.) His lawyers even plan to bring a letter of personal recommendation from Vladimir Putin's favorite US Congressman, California Republican Rep. Dana Rohrabacher, that way they're sure to win!

We're not sure how Assange can claim he's a political prisoner. Technically speaking, a political prisoner isn't an internet troll who makes a career out of destabilizing governments for money, those are assholes. Assange is a 47-year-old man-child who refuses to get a real job, and he's just pissed at his roommate for making him do the dishes. If he needs a new place to crash, we're pretty sure the US justice system can find him a nice bed. He'll get to play outside, make new friends, he even gets free clothes and three meals a day! All he has to do is say, "I'm Guilty."

[ BBC / The Guardian / Special Protocol]

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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