Asshole DOJ Makes It Easier For Assholes To Help Assholes Make Their Own Asshole Guns


Should the average American be able to post blueprints online of computer-designed 3D gun models that freedom-loving Americans can use to make their own weapons in the comfort of their bunker so they can then kill other Americans? No, of course not, that's stupid, but not stupid enough, I guess, for the Trump Justice Department, which has determined this is perfectly legal.

The decision brings an end to a multi-year legal battle, brought by free speech and gun rights activist Cody Wilson, and allows Wilson to re-launch his site, where he hosts firearm blueprints, according to Wired.

It means that digital firearm files can now be uploaded onto the web without any regulation.

If the Trump DOJ cared about more than pleasing their NRA donors, they could've easily won this supposed "free speech" case because it's already established that you can't yell "fire" in a crowded theater, and unregulated online distribution of DIY gun instructions is tantamount to setting the theater on fire and locking all the doors.

The DOJ, under Obama, had argued that "radical libertarian" Wilson's files amounted to essentially exporting weapons without a license, which if you've seen Jackie Brown, you know is a crime. Wilson countered that this violated his constitutional rights as a white man to do whatever the hell he wanted regardless of consequences. That's a more longwinded way of saying "Make America Great Again," so it's no wonder Trump's DOJ agreed to settle with Wilson rather than humiliating him in court and sending him to the stupid white boy wing of federal prison.

"If code is speech, the constitutional contradictions are evident," Wilson explained to WIRED when he first launched the lawsuit in 2015. "So what if this code is a gun?"

See how goofy that is? Sally Yates would've stuck that dumbass argument's head inside the toilet and flushed. Oh, what might've been! But let's not dwell in the happy past: You'd probably like to know more about constitutional freedom fighter Wilson.

In a documentary released last year called The New Radical, the crypto-anarchist gun merchant Cody Wilson strikes a look somewhere between young lawyer and grim executioner. His square jaw and preppy clothes are darkened by the natural scowl of his jutting lower lip. Glowering at the camera, he offhandedly praises the revolutionary spirit of jihadi terrorists. At one point, he declares that "people are so desperate for an interruption to modernity, even if they wouldn't put it that way, that they would consciously choose the void." [... ]

Wilson was born in Little Rock, Arkansas, in 1988. In high school he read Marx and got elected student body president. At the University of Central Arkansas in 2009, he once again was voted president of the student government. By then he had graduated from Marx, Lenin, and the residual strains of American conservative individualism he'd held onto from his Arkansas youth, to Milton, Foucault, Proudhon, and left-wing campus politics. Some years later, he told Andrew Zaleski of Wired magazine: "When I was in high school, I read Robert Payne's Life and Death of Lenin . . . and something about Lenin as a figure was just . . ." He paused and then completed the thought: "The zeal of a man who doesn't just have the idea but can inflict the idea. I want that."

This moron sounds like the sort of ticking time bomb that routinely goes off in schools, newspapers, and movie theaters. Any rigorous psychological screening should prevent Wilson from even owning a gun, but the DOJ has now cleared him to become the Willy Wonka of 3D plastic guns that won't set off a metal detector. Meanwhile, a black guy can't even access his own 3D pool.

It's annoying yet predictable that many so-called "pro-lifers" are delighted to see the proliferation of tools of death. Naturally, they all adore Wilson. They think he's "a righteous dude." Until he or one of the countless loons he's enabled predictably kills a bunch of people and then the likes of Dana Loesch will earn her paycheck blaming anyone else but the guns that fired the bullets. She'll even go after cops if necessary because they ain't paying her bills.

As NRA-owned right wingers hail this decision, their Second Amendment champion Wilson has a grim view of the future.

[The Department of Justice] promises to change the export control rules surrounding any firearm below .50 caliber—with a few exceptions like fully automatic weapons and rare gun designs that use caseless ammunition—and move their regulation to the Commerce Department, which won't try to police technical data about the guns posted on the public internet. In the meantime, it gives Wilson a unique license to publish data about those weapons anywhere he chooses.

"I consider it a truly grand thing," Wilson says. "It will be an irrevocable part of political life that guns are downloadable, and we helped to do that."

No, asshole, my ability to download Paula Abdul's "Vibeology" in my sweatpants at 2 a.m. is a "grand thing." You're just going to help innocent people die. Now excuse me while I go scream into a pillow.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins runs from March through May at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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