Neckbeard Manbun Grabs Mic From Kamala Harris, For Equality!
Kamala Harris was at MoveOn's Big Ideas forum Saturday discussing her plan to end the wage gap for women when some disheveled Cousin Itt stormed the stage and took Harris's microphone like she was a common Taylor Swift. The asshole didn't even promise to let her finish. Instead, he demanded the senator's attention for a "much bigger idea." Now, what did Douchebag Manbun think was more important than gender pay equity? Was it the free flow of kombucha? No, it had something to do with the "mass extinction of animals." We're not giving you any more than that because we're not helping this douchenozzle promote his cause. Anyway, this goofy white boy interrupted a badass black woman to lecture her about Lassie. Ain't that some shit?
The security situation was absurd. Manbun Neckbeard could've shot Harris before anyone knew what happened. How did this asshole get this close to a senator and presidential candidate? There's better protection for Brie Larson at ComicCon. Does Harris need to hold all future events at high-end department stores so security guards will keep a close eye on her?
Let's give a shout out to moderator Karine Jean-Pierre, who was on Manbun Mayo in seconds. She stood between him and Harris without hesitation when there was no telling what immediate threat he posed. Security eventually surrounded Mr. Neckbeard, and Harris's husband, Douglas Emhoff, got in on the action. Check out his face as they escort this pit stain off the stage.
Dude is mad. Normally, he's got that laidback high school principal "Call me Doug" vibe. The Grizzly Adams wannabe has definitely messed up when Emhoff is looking at him like the dad from Taken. Once the human debris was cleared, Harris returned to the stage amid chants of "Kamala." She reassured the crowd that everything was good and calmly told Jean-Pierre, "You had a question I want to answer." Douchebun wasn't about to derail this important discussion.
Manbun Neckbeard isn't facing any charges, which is ridiculous. Get out of our face with the "he seemed harmless" handwaving. White dude can look like the Unabomber and still enjoy the privilege of presumed innocence. His stupid stunt wasn't spontaneous. He claimed he'd reached out to Harris and MoveOn through "normal channels" but had been "ignored," so he went all hairy Glenn Close.
The creep is affiliated with Direct Action Everywhere, and their MO has long been aggressive and intentionally "in your face." A spokesperson for the group handed out press releases scrawled in serial killer script on ripped-up pieces of paper. We are not linking to any of their shit.
How dare hippie Chewbacca commandeer the microphone from Kamala Goddamn Harris. People have compared this to the black ladies who took the mic from Bernie Sanders at a 2016 campaign event -- which was also disrespectful, but the power dynamic is entirely different. White men are already born with the mic and it has to be pried from their hands when they die. Do you know how many dragons a black woman has to slay to reach Harris's position? She damn well "paid for that mic." Just let the black woman speak about issues affecting all women. Manbun Neckbeard could stand to listen to her and to any woman for that matter. He might actually learn something.
We haven't used Man-Douche's name because we're petty and also because we don't want to help this guy become the victim. It's like the MAGA brats. No matter how objectively terrible a white guy's actions appear, more privileged white guys will answer the Asshole Signal and defend him. David Brooks or David French or David Brooks Brothers Golden Mustard will write an op ed about how the Twitter mob destroyed this poor sap's life because he experienced something close to actual consequences. It'll become a both sides narrative and Harris will be guilted into attending some craft beer summit where Neckbeard mansplains to her why she shouldn't eat pork. We won't let that happen.
Now let's all remember a Manbun Nice Time and wash this idiot out of our hair.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.