Asteroid Will Kill Everybody ... Except the Bushes, In Paraguay

Snake Monster From Space Hell, Coming Soon! - WonketteWhile everybody was enjoying the nice three-day weekend, the Main Stream Media announced that we're all going to be blown up or drowned by a terrible asteroid named Apophis -- that's also the Greek name for the demon monster god of Ancient Egypt who devours all that is good and hides in the eternal evil darkness and commands an army of demons who plague mankind. (If you're confused, just remember that Cheney is an earth monster and Apophis is a space monster.)


But there's a chance of survival if you're in the right place ... say, shielded from the massive tsunami by the wall of the Andes and perched atop the world's largest fresh-water aquifer. You know, where the Bushes and Rev. Sun Myung Moon bought all that land in Paraguay! Read the latest chapter in the Weirdest Story Ever Told, after the jump.

The alleged Day of Destruction isn't until April 13, 2036 (or maybe 2029), which means there are about 500 other apocalypses expected before then. And the actual threat of Apophis hitting the Earth (or Moon) has been regularly downgraded since the first big scare in 2004, which either proves it's definitely going to hit us pretty soon or there's another one about to hit us, because suddenly the scientists are talking about it again.

We weren't really concerned, because the White House is about to start a nuclear war in the Middle East and if that doesn't kill us there's going to be a Northern Hemisphere ice age starting in 2012, but a Wonkette Operative offered a theory so bizarre that it's probably true: The Bushes are buying up all that land in Paraguay because the asteroid is going to hit the Pacific Ocean and the giant tsunami is going to drown everybody who's not protected by the Andes.

Here it is:

I hate to say it, but, Apophis isn't a rumor, a tall tale, a lie, imaginary, nor, I'm afraid, going to miss the Earth. When it hits in the northern Pacific Ocean it will cause a tsunami three miles high, give or take 1500 feet, more than two thousand miles long, from front of the wave to the front of the next wave. Where's my proof you may ask. Well connect the dots. Who (which government agencies) has access to the real numbers? Duh? NASA? Who in the United States would have access at the highest level to that information, and have the authority, and power to ORDER that misinformation be publicized to reduce the fears of the general public? Hmmm? Who? Who would have the audacity to use it for their personal use as to not scare the general public? Hmmm? Gee, isn't this getting easy? Who just bought a 100,000 acre ranch in Paraguay, behind the protection of the 18,000 foot Andes Mountain chain? Yes folks, you got it. Mr. George "I am the Decider" Bush. The guy who has decided to move his family to Paraguay by 2029 or earlier to protect them, while most of the rest of the world better learn to tread water. Bush isn't buying this ranch to escape prosecution. He's buying it to be protected and to protect HIS family. NASA and the CIA have figured out the safest place on the planet will be right where his ranch will be.

I am looking at a home there myself, for my son, and his future family. This isn't bullshit like most things Bush and company get involved with, and it now make the global warming problem seem trivial. No wonder why he said it wasn't a problem. He already knew the real problem. Apophis in 2029.

We would move to Paraguay, too, but the idea of World President Jenna Bush and Living Christ Sun Myung Moon as our only neighbors makes the whole idea of surviving completely untenable.

U.N. urged to take action on asteroid threat [Reuters]

Can Earth Dodge Asteroid Heading This Way? [ABC News]

Earlier on Wonkette:

We Hate To Bring Up the Nazis, But They Fled To South America, Too

Bushes Escaping To South America Next Month

Barbara Bush and the Argentine Reichstag Fire

State Dept. Formally Denies Bush's South American Escape Plans

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