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In any sane world, in an America where the president's allegiances actually lay with America, and where the president actually was legitimately elected as an exercise of the people's will, if the president found out (for the very first time, we bet!) that his campaign manager had been handing secret internal polling data/models to a FUCKING RUSSIAN SPY, that would be a big moment. In this hypothetical sane world, that legitimately elected American president, if they really didn't know about it, would say "OH MY GOD," and would probably support prosecuting that former campaign manager to the fullest extent of the law.

But we don't live in a normal world, and the president is almost surely a Russian intelligence asset, whether he's too stupid to know it or not. So it was that Donald Trump spoke to reporters this morning, and when asked about these revelations about Paul Manafort that are surely BRAND NEW to him, just like it was BRAND NEW information to him that his son PoopSqueak Junior had a treason meeting with the Russians in Trump Tower in June of 2016, this was his reaction:


No, I didn't know anything about it. Nothing about it.

Oh well, no big deal then! And there's a good chance it's a lie!

But least he didn't say NO COLLUSION, haha just kidding yes he did, right before that, in fact! A reporter asked if he would be OK with the Robert Mueller report being public, and he's just not sure, but he added that NO COLLUSION. And then a reporter asked him about Manafort's collusion.

And then a reporter asked him about Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos's divorce, and Trump said it's going to be a "beauty," we guess because Trump knows "divorce" means "ladies gettin' ALL MY MONEY," but he hates Jeff Bezos so he's OK if MacKenzie Bezos gets all that money.

That's just a taste of what happened this morning at the White House. The rest of Trump's press gaggle was a witches' brew of Trump's stupidity and Trump's nastiness. Wanna start with stupid?


Here's the president of the United States saying he is "a professional at technology."

He's talking about how if we don't have STEEL WALL, then the gangs and the rapists and the coyotes blah blah blah blah blah. Of course, turns out Trump's steel WALL isn't so great after all, according to a study Trump's DHS tried to hide. You can saw right through it! Womp womp.

Continuing with stupid, and also adding "liar," here's Trump saying he obviously did not mean Mexico was going to pay for the wall, when he constantly said on the campaign that Mexico was going to pay for the wall. He didn't mean they would write a check or something, just like he didn't mean he should use a check to pay off all those porn women he had affairs with, in order to benefit his campaign. He meant he was going to make a YOOGE trade deal with Mexico, and that way Mexico would pay for the wall. (Eventually.) (Except he's never getting his fucking wall, LOL.)

Anyway, it's like Trickle-Down Fuckonomics, for dipshits.

Except here is the language from Trump's campaign website, where he said what he really meant about Mexico paying for the wall. The original link is now 404-ed -- surprise! -- but if you dig around you can find it:

Oh well, we're probably being nitpicky. (About the president's constant lying.)

Why hasn't Trump declared a NATIONAL EMERGY over the wall? Well, he says he has the "absolute right" to do it, his lawyers have told him. (And indeed, CNN reports that White House lawyers are rigging up the justification for that, and even telling Trump he should say "crisis" more, so they can cite it as their excuse! We guess that new White House counsel Pat Cipollone really is earning his whore diamonds!) But Trump wants to do it, but he wants to work it out with Congress, but he probably will do it, he would "almost say definitely," because he has the right to, but he doesn't want to, but he wants to, because NATIONAL EMERGY, and ... honest to God, Trump repeats the same three phrases over and over again for a solid minute, because his brain is just in really fine shape, top notch, BIGLY.

Do you want a second video clip where Trump spends yet another minute saying there's a 100% chance he's going to do NATIONAL EMERGY, except he doesn't want to say 100%, because maybe he won't, but he's gonna totally do that, because WALL WALL WALL WALL STEEL SLATS WALL? Because there's another whole minute and a half of that on top of the video just above. You don't want to watch that? Why not?

Trump also says the DHS report we mentioned above, about how Trump's steel slats wall can be sawed right through, is actually about walls designed by "previous administrations," by which he means Obama. That, of course, is a fucking lie.

Here's Trump saying that the news is fake, and that when they reported he "smashed the table" during his hilarious fail meeting with congressional leaders yesterday, they were lying. He adds that he "should have" smashed the table. But he didn't! But it would be totally legal if he smashed the table, PRESIDENT SMASH TABLE WHENEVER HE WANT JUST NOT THIS TIME!

He also says he doesn't have "temper tantrums," and as proof of that, just look at this entire press gaggle, where he thinks he's being good and normal and sane.

Oh hey, Mister President, what about all the people going without paychecks because you're being a fucking brat and refusing to reopen the government? Trump responds by fomenting fear and hatred against immigrants, saying know who really feels pain? The families of people who get murdered by Mexicans in their cribs. It's a truly vile statement:

"You know has more human pain? The parents of people who had children killed by an illegal immigrant that should have never been in the country. You know who has more human pain? The husband that lost a wife or the wife that lost a husband to an illegal immigrant that came in five or six times, that shouldn't be here. That's the human pain. And the people that will be paid, but maybe a little bit later, those people, many of them are on my side. They want to see border security."

Ask Mollie Tibbetts's family what they think about Trump's blood libel fear-mongering about immigrants. Seriously.

Of course, the truth is he literally doesn't care about people who are suffering because President BabyShits is having a conniption because he can't get what he wants. Like Nancy Pelosi said, this human shithole president right here thinks all the furloughed government employees can just go ask daddy for a bailout, the way he always did, not because the government was shut down, but because he's a total fuckup who's bad at business. (She didn't say "human shithole" because she's not a cusser. She probably said "human tinkler.")

At the end of that statement, Trump yelled at NBC, because that's what the squirrels that live in his brain told him to do.

Here's Trump rage-whining that Democrats don't care about the terrifying fever dreams about immigrant criminals that play on a constant loop inside his broken brain:

In the next clip, after baselessly claiming all the reporters in attendance are doing NO COLLUSION with the Democrats, Trump makes a major announcement about a new NATIONAL EMERGY involving a whole new caravan that's forming right now OMG SHIT YOUR PANTS EVERYBODY! Three guesses what he thinks will stop the new caravan he just announced, time's up it is WALL.

Here's Trump just being a fucking dick, with a side of "traitor." He's whining about how he might not get to go to Davos, which leads to a free association word salad about all his pretend accomplishments, and then inexplicably, out of some dark corner of his empty head, cometh this:


I find China, frankly, in many ways, to be far more honorable than Crying Chuck and Nancy. I think that China is actually much easier to deal with than the opposition party.

President of the United States, y'all. Of course, we have no idea what he sees as the difference. China rolls his dumb ass. Chuck 'n' Nancy roll his dumb ass. Same same.

Speaking of presidential, we guess we'll finish with this clip, where Trump turns Harry Truman's famous "the buck stops here" on its ass, because Trump is the worst, laziest, stupidest, most pathetic failure of a president this country will ever see. He says, "the buck stops with everybody," and then bitches for a solid minute about how the CRAZY YOUNGS have taken over the Democratic party.

They've been taken over by a group of young people, who frankly, in some cases, I've been watching, I actually think they're crazy. They have been taken over by a group of people that don't care about gangs, they don't care about human trafficking and drugs — they don't care about anything.

Or maybe they're just not pigfucking racists who are so scared to leave their own houses that they believe Trump's lies about a manufactured crisis where imaginary brown immigrants are murdering people in the streets.

s3.amazonaws.com

What a joke. What a sad fucking joke. God help this country until that motherfucker is drop-kicked out of the White House and left on his ass by the American voters.

[h/t Aaron Rupar at Vox, who is a GODDAMN SAINT for posting all these videos so we can download them]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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