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Don't hit people. Don't hit girls. Don't hit boys. Don't hit your kids. Just don't.

If Michael Avenatti hit someone, he will be canceled for all time. He was already canceled anyway, for the stupid shit he said about needing a white dude to run against Trump and slagging Beto O'Rourke. That said, we just witnessed Jacob Wohl eat his own wiener in a live press conference after paying a woman to accuse Robert Mueller of sexual assault. Someone with more than eight functioning brain cells might actually have been able to pull that scam off. So when there are red flags that suggest domestic violence charges against Avenatti might be less than legit -- and there are -- we need to withhold judgment until we get more details.

Here's what we do know. Michael Avenatti was arrested and charged with domestic violence. There is a woman with visible injuries who swears that she got them from him. And her charges were credible enough that he was charged yesterday, released on $50,000 bail, and ordered to stay away from her.

The story was first reported by gossip website TMZ, which seemed to have a reporter stationed outside Avenatti's apartment building at just the right moment. Here's their original version of the story.


Our law enforcement sources say Stormy Daniels' attorney was arrested Wednesday after his estranged wife filed a felony DV report. We're told her face was "swollen and bruised."

Our sources say the alleged incident occurred Tuesday, but there was a confrontation Wednesday between the two at an exclusive apartment building in the Century City area of L.A.

We're told during today's confrontation the woman ran out of the apartment building and was on the sidewalk on her cellphone with sunglasses covering her eyes, screaming on the phone, "I can't believe you did this to me."

We're told security brought her inside the building and Michael showed up 5 minutes later, ran into the building, chasing after her. He screamed repeatedly, "She hit me first." We're told he angrily added, "This is bulls***, this is f***ing bulls***."

Except the complainant wasn't either of Avenatti's ex-wives, who both issued statements saying he would never hit a woman.

At 4:10, TMZ updated its story to reflect that fact that the complainant was "a woman," but this time she had "red marks" on her cheeks.

Our law enforcement sources say Avenatti was arrested Wednesday after a woman filed a felony DV report. We're told her face was "swollen and bruised" with "red marks" on both cheeks.

At 4:50, when news broke that she'd been granted a restraining order, TMZ decided that the woman had initially threatened ... to get a restraining order.

We're told Wednesday afternoon the woman was on the sidewalk on her cellphone with sunglasses covering her eyes, sobbing and screaming on the phone, "I can't believe you did this to me. I'm going to get a restraining order against you."

Gosh, it's almost like someone fed them the story in advance, and they wound up furiously backpedaling when the details turned out not to line up at all. So you can color us highly skeptical that Avenatti ever announced his guilt by saying, "She hit me first." The guy has spent the last six months on camera, and he's suddenly shouting inculpatory admissions of violence in front of a roomful of witnesses?

UH HUH.

Could it be some basement dwelling financial scammer who thinks 2018 is the year he's finally going to take down all the president's critics, cure his acne, and actually lose his virginity?

Oh, come the fuck on! Surefire Intelligence is Wohl's fakity-fake-ass detective agency, staffed by Christoph Waltz and Bar Rafaeli, with web-hosting provided by Mrs. Wohl's voicemail. Could Jacob Wohl, also a resident of Southern California, have had something to do with these charges? Everyone at the hipster coffee shop is whispering that this looks like a goddamn hitjob. Like that time in Ohio where the local cops set Stormy Daniels up for an "unlawful touching" charge to punish her for speaking out against Trump. Stranger things have happened ... every goddamn day for the past two years.

So, we have no idea whether Michael Avenatti abused a woman he was dating. He denies it vehemently.

And he also thinks this might have something to do with that little pissant Wohl.

Avenatti is a narcissistic jerk who says a lot of stupid shit. He should NOT run for president. He also believed Stormy Daniels, served up a campaign finance charge against Trump on a silver platter, and is likely the reason that Michael Cohen's financial shenanigans came to light and he eventually flipped. And maybe he did something terrible. But maybe he didn't. So let's hold off stringing him up by the balls until we know what actually happened here.

[TMZ web archive / TMZ updated]

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