Fox News has a new logo

Welcome to the sisterhood, Fox News! We've been totally not expecting you because, duh, you are Fox News. You forbid your girl talkers from wearing pants, so they can show off their smokin' sexy girl legs. For journalism. And for Fox boss Roger Ailes to ogle silky girl skin through his glass desk. Mostly for that.

Who knew all it took was one blowhard jackass guy saying some mean stuff on the internet about your favorite blonde girl-reporter for you to become enlightened like a common social justice warrior man-hating lesbian hairy-armpitted feminazi?

Friday evening, Fox News released this statement responding to Trump:

“Donald Trump’s vitriolic attacks against Megyn Kelly and his extreme, sick obsession with her is beneath the dignity of a presidential candidate who wants to occupy the highest office in the land. Megyn is an exemplary journalist and one of the leading anchors in America — we’re extremely proud of her phenomenal work and continue to fully support her throughout every day of Trump’s endless barrage of crude and sexist verbal assaults. As the mother of three young children, with a successful law career and the second highest rated show in cable news, it’s especially deplorable for her to be repeatedly abused just for doing her job.”

Fox, we are quite pleasantly surprised to learn you have a problem with crude and sexist verbal assaults. We had no idea! One of your primetime super stars, "award-winning" "war correspondent" "journalist" and total fucking sleazebag Bill O'Reilly, once settled a lawsuit in which he was accused of sexually harassing a co-worker with his excessively poor vocabulary, from his excessively dumb facehole. And he may or may not have also, in a totally separate and unrelated incident, literally assaulted his own wife, with his bare hands, in front of his own daughter. Allegedly.

Boy, if you ever find out about that kind of sexist assault, Fox News, we assume you will have some very stern words for Mr. O'Reilly and his falafel!

Also, now that you have had your click moment, we assume we've seen the last of frequent guest Gavin McInnes, the bearded hipster doucheweasel who blames feminists for ruining his life and is quite sure they'd be far less miserable if they'd stick to house-wifing and baby-making. Or perhaps you will only invite him on air to say some racisms from now on. We assume that's still cool at Fox, right?

Perhaps we'll be seeing a little less of your favorite Catholic priest, Father Jonathan Morris. He's always ready to spew rightwing talking points about how the First Amendment protects religiously affiliated hospitals from having to provide lady healthcare, plus how unfair it is that the Duggar family lost its TV show just because Josh was exposed for finger-raping his kid sisters and his parents helped cover it up, for Jesus. That kind of reliable rhetoric from Father Morris seems a little inconsistent with your whole new attitude about chicks and sexism and assault and stuff.

Other "pro-lifers" who want to speechify big fat lies about Planned Parenthood are going to have to find a new network, we suppose. Now that you, Fox News, are down with the downtown struggle, in our pants, it won't be quite so easy to devote dozens of episodes to calling abortion providers "baby killers" for the "crime" of legally and safely practicing medicine.

We really are going to miss those all-male panels of yours, explaining what the problem is with bitches, amirite? And the funny jokes about wife-beating. And the daytime chit chats about how feminists have destroyed womanhood and that is why god hates them. So radical!

[contextly_sidebar id="XDzy5uf7UfNQB1cnp486Gr30Pqk1B7Wr"]Most of all, though, we are really going to miss all of your quality time sympathetically listening to the ramblings of a certain presidential candidate who says Hillary Clinton and her husband's penis are the REAL SEXISTS. As we heard on your very network, before you realized how opposed you are to sexism, that kind of "misogynist, sexist" sex-having and "penchant for sexism" is why Hillary can never EVER talk about the Republican war on women, or sexism, or -- good god, definitely not -- how a certain presidential candidate regularly launches crude and sexist verbal assaults on women he doesn't like.

Yes, we're probably going to miss that most of all.


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I'd mentioned this week that there's definitely probably a tape out there of Donald Trump referring to a black person as a "nigger," because Trump is a racist and that's sort of what they do. Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't even affirmatively deny such a tape exists, and she's from the "two plus two equals five" school of communications management. I also speculated that once the tape was released, Republican supporters of the president would flock to defend his vile words: "Hey, if you rearrange the letters in "nigger," you get "ginger" and who doesn't like redheads and the occasional Dark 'n' Stormy?"

The shameful display has already started and the supposed recording isn't even available for pre-order on iTunes. George State Senator Michael Williams stated in appearance on CNN's "New Day Saturday" that if Trump -- who's the president, by the way -- did say "nigger," it would certainly concern him as an "individual" but "not necessarily as a person that is running our country." So, uh, what the hell is that? This has been a standard argument from Republicans ever since Trump crawled his way out of the sewers of birtherism and onto a major political stage: "We think Trump is a terrible human being -- seriously, we have to shower immediately after meeting with him -- but we still think he's a suitable steward of the most powerful nation on the planet."

Normally, you'd think this would work the other way. You know, your brother-in-law is a nice enough guy. Your sister certainly could've done worse. You don't mind the slightly rambling sports-ball discussions with him at family gatherings. He's good for looking after the kids (as long as your sister is present or reachable by cell), but you'd never invest your hard-earned money into whatever half-assed business venture he's trying to get off the ground nor would you back his run for any serious political office.

I've long had issues with the "brilliant asshole" archetype in TV and movies. It's almost always a white male (because women and minorities must be perfect) whose emotional immaturity and overall jerkass behavior we're told to overlook because they're so goshdarned awesome. Do you want some PC "cuck" or do you want Dr. House to figure out that the MS symptoms you're suffering are really just because you ate a stale doughnut? Sherlock Holmes doesn't have time for your feelings or social niceties -- not while he's solving mysteries and being dreamy.

Trump, however, isn't "brilliant." He's just a guy who says "nigger." They're hardly a scarcity in the market. You don't even have to venture out to a klan rally to find one. You can order online -- same day social media delivery.

Williams argues that Trump didn't use the word "nigger" when he was in the "office of the president." It was just some youthful indiscretion when he was almost 60. I don't even know where he's going with this. Does he think Trump has changed? He routinely insults and belittles black people. He also calls black NFL players who peacefully protest "sons of bitches." Was that his way of weaning off calling us "niggers"? Has he been wearing a "nigger" patch on his arm to control his cravings for the racial epithet?

"He used the word in his personal life," Williams said. (It was actually in a workplace context -- SER) "Now if he were president and were to go on TV and use the n-word, I'd have a major problem with that."

It's heartening repulsive to see that Williams draws the line at Trump holding an official "nigger" press conference. I think once we reach that point, Trump will probably also reveal that his buddies on the Supreme Court discovered a typo in the Thirteenth Amendment and black folks' work-life balance will start to really suffer.

"I will always say using the n-word is wrong, and it's bad, and should never be accepted in our society. But just because (Trump) might have done it years ago, not as our president, doesn't mean we need to continue to berate him because he used it," GOP state Sen. Michael Williams, who is white, told CNN's Victor Blackwell on "New Day Saturday."

Blackwell, who is black, had to sit there and listen to this crap from a white elected official who is just 45 years old. You know, the word "nigger" doesn't even appear in the Dred Scott decision, for example, but that's not necessary for reasonable people to understand that it was racist as hell. We all know Trump is racist, but now Republicans can't even repudiate the worst demonstrations of his racial animus. The first black president hasn't even been out of office for two full years and already "nigger" is being redefined. What would once end a campaign in its tracks when Blackwell and I were growing up is now just an "oops, my bad."

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Conservatives want to be oppressed. Or, rather, for everyone to think they are being oppressed and to then give them what they see as the impunity and moral upper hand that comes along with being an oppressed group of people. They want it very, very badly and think it is very unfair that all the people they have oppressed have this privilege and they do not. This morning, Trump took to Twitter to vow to protect them from the worst kind of oppression of all -- imaginary social media censorship!

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