First some wonderful news! I have asked (and they have accepted) Robyn and SER (Stephen Robinson) to come to work full-time starting in January. Do I have the money (about an extra $6k a month for full-time plus 100 percent paid healthcare) to hire them yet? No. Will I? Yes. Because I know, in my crusty shriveled heart, that we can get another 1000 of you to sign up for a recurring donation because of how this is the place you always go first when big news breaks, and then again half an hour later, and then again half an hour after that, to see if we have SPLAINED IT YOU YET. (Give it another 10 minutes, we're pic'ing and tagging!) Also, that thing you're always telling me about "keeping [you] sane, 'for the most part.'" You say it a lot!

If you are not already, and you are at all able, we hope you will click the clickie, choose an amount, click "paypal" or "credit cards" and WHOOSH, you are OUR HERO!!!!

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Yesterday was Old Dad's 81st birthday, which means I MADE BALLS and Shy took HOT PIXXX and then we ATE THE BALLS. They were, as usual, pretty fuckin' good. They were also, as usual, a little bit of a pain in the ass. This is not a weeknight balls recipe. This is like twice a year for people you love and put balls on.

A Meatball Recipe I Originally Got From Emeril But It's Not Like You Can Look It Up, He Has One Thousand Meatball Recipes And I Probably Am Forgetting An Ingredient.

First, this recipe is HUGE, making enough to serve a large party, so cut in eighths or whatever accordingly



  • 4 lbs ground beef
  • 2 lbs ground pork
  • half a large onion (I like red)
  • a bunch of chopped garlics, however you like, maybe 8 or 10 cloves (this was not enough garlic, use more garlic)
  • 1 cup breadcrumbs
  • 1 cup parmesan
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 and a half cups milk
  • Worcestershire sauce, just wet down that whole hunk of meat
  • buncha salt; some pepper
  • chopped herbs: I like thyme, basil, oregano and rosemary
Sauce: However you make your sauce (or "gravy" if you are Robyn or a Soprano), I use ...
  • 8 32 oz cans tomato sauce
  • the other half of the large onion
  • a bunch more garlic
  • some sugar
  • a swig of red wine
  • same herbs as above, plus salt, pepper
  • Emeril uses a fuckton of crushed red pepper, but I don't like it

Put all the ball gredients in a huge bowl, and shape into balls and put on a tray. I make them SUPER LARGE, big as softballs, because people freak out and get all lusty at the YUGE BALL.


But you could make them like a lady or gentleman if you are boring. The amounts in this recipe make more than 20 LARGE BALLS, so I saved half for Saturday's party.

Brown the balls either on the stove or in the broiler; for the large, I browned them in the broiler on low for five minutes and then flipped them and browned 10 minutes more.

In the meantime, you've chopped up the other onion half and the garlic and wilted them over medium or high for a hot minute in your giant meatball pot or slow cooker. Add four of the giant tomato sauces (remember we only actually cooked half the balls in that ridiculous giant recipe, so the other four tomato sauces will get used Saturday), some sugar, a glug of red wine, the herbs, some salt and pepper.

I understand if you are using fresh herbs you are supposed to put them in at the end, but I never do that because lazy. You could though, if you are proper.

Then gently drop in the browned balls, make sure they're covered with the sauce (obviously these top three have not yet been COVERED WITH THE SAUCE), and cook them AS LONG AS YOU CAN STAND IT, on very low. These fuckers cooked nine hours yesterday. Make sure they're not burning to the bottom of the pot!

Hey, let's bring back that pic from the top again.

Oh, both of 'em? OKAY!

(Hot tip on the salad: honey, lime zest, lime juice and grated fresh ginger go fucking STUPID with peppery arugula.)

OK, I love you, thank you for keeping me in Wonkette, now please if you can KEEP ME IN MORE EMPLOYEES, I have a tiny problem like cocaine or gambling but it is hiring people by accident on purpose.

Also it is your OPEN THREAD.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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