Ted Cruz is shitting in his Underoos, y'all! The junior senator was supposed to be coasting to reelection in deep red Texas. Sure he's a repulsive dickhead who kisses Trump's ass after the man called his wife a dog and implied his father shot JFK. And yeah, okay, Cruz may, possibly, be a serial killer. But who can resist a guy who went to Harvard Law School and pretends to be a Duck Dynasty-lovin' hillbilly who cooks bacon on the barrel of a machine gun?

So much sexxxxxxy man meat! RAWR!!!

Instead, Cruz is less than five points ahead of Rep. Beto O'Rourke in the polls, and O'Rourke is making steady gains. Luckily, Cruz has a natural gift for social media. So don't worry, fellow kids! Ted's got this.

Step 1: Remind the crucial female electorate that O'Rourke is the smokin' hot guy from third year history seminar that they never worked up the courage to ask out, while Ted Cruz is that dickhead by the keg who spent fifteen minutes explaining why affirmative action was literally worse than slavery, then called them a bunch of dykes when when no one would give him her number.

Step 2: Work yourself into a fit of the vapors over Beto O'Rourke's salty language. Have beefy campaign aides carry your flaccid frame to the settee, where they fan you and whisper Bible verses to revive you.

My stars, not filthy cusses! How will the delicate flowers in Texas ever recover from this assault on their virgin ears! Please, brother Ted, favor us with a healing psalm.

Sweet Jesus!

Step 3: Turn your opponent's strength into a weakness! If O'Rourke is getting attention for a thoughtful, patriotic answer to a question about kneeling during the anthem, massage it to make it seem like he's thanking Black Jesus for flag burners.

In case you can't see that video, The Dallas Morning News has helpfully reprinted O'Rourke's speech. The bolded portions are the ones used in Cruz's ad. See if you can spot what he cut out!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: "My question is with regards to your remark that there is nothing more patriotic than for NFL players, when discussing NFL players kneeling during the national anthem. And I'm curious as to know if you hold the landmark Texas Supreme Court case — well the Supreme Court case -- Texas versus Johnson, to that same standard, where a man was charged for burning and desecrating an American flag on the state Capitol. And do you disagree with the dissenting opinion that the American flag is a unifying symbol that should be respected and revered, as it plays no politics. And I guess the reason I ask this question is, as a voter I don't know how I would feel to have my own elected representative being open to kneeling on the Senate floor or encouraging and supporting acts that desecrate our American flag."

O'ROURKE: "My comments about there being nothing more American were about being — there's nothing more American than standing up for, or in this case kneeling for, your rights under the Constitution. When the women and men who are serving in Afghanistan, in Iraq, in Syria tonight, the gentleman who served in Vietnam — when they serve this country, they're not serving a president, they're not serving a political party. They swear their allegiance to the Constitution. This idea that we are a country of laws and that no woman and man is above or below those laws. When some people are treated differently because of their race — and we're reminded of the fact that it is not just in the distant past. For someone born in 1972 such as I, that might be the Freedom Riders in the 1960s who rode those Greyhound buses through Mississippi and Alabama and Georgia, and in so doing as African-American women and men, took their lives into their hands, put them on the line. And in many cases those who stood up for civil rights lose their lives in the process. Many were beaten to within an inch of their lives to ensure better civil rights for every single American. They got us a lot closer than we were before. Witness the Voting Rights Act from 53 years, the civil rights act from 54 years ago. Those would not have been signed into law by LBJ if people had not protested, if Rosa Parks had not moved from the back of the bus to the front of the bus. If our young fellow Americans of different colors did not have the audacity and the boldness and the courage to sit at lunch counters, knowing that they would be humiliated, knowing that they would be spat upon, knowing that they would be dragged out in front of their fellow human beings. They did all of that to stand up for the equal treatment under law of everyone. Now, part of the genius of this country, and I think no one expresses it more brilliantly than MLK Jr., is that in the face of injustice, in the face sometimes of violence, in the face of the very real possibility that you will lose your life in the process, people have been willing to non-violently and peacefully protest to seek political solutions to otherwise intractable problems. When you have unarmed black men in this country all too often being killed, and sometimes being killed by members of law enforcement — and those members of law enforcement — as I see a former chief of police for the El Paso Police Department, a former county commissioner, someone who exemplifies the best in public service — those are among the very toughest jobs that anyone in any community can hold. Those are also people who put their lives on the line, securing and protecting their fellow citizens in these communities. But when there is use of force, when there is a life taken and there is not accountability, there is not justice done, there's not the ability to prevent that from continuing to happen in the future, and someone is willing — is willing — to call attention to that, to try to awaken our conscience, to force us to do the right thing, in the face of that injustice and violence and to do so peacefully and non-violently — I think that there is something inherently American about that. And so I — I — I'm grateful there are people willing to do that. I understand that people can come down to a different conclusion on this issue and I respect that, as well. That's American, as well."

Oh, Ted! You're so naughty!

Step 4: Now, ideally you'll never get to Step 4. It's kind of a BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY procedure. But maybe one day, you'll be on the ropes. You may find yourself standing on a dais next to the governor and attorney general, at a "rally" billing itself as the largest Labor Day gathering of Texas Republicans ever. And yet, there may be only 700 people in attendance, when your liberal adversary is routinely pulling in hundreds of people by himself.

But if you see an opportunity to make your white, male, Christian opponent seem somehow foreign, you take it. Dallas Morning News reports,

At every mention of O'Rourke's name, the crowd booed and hissed. During Cruz's speech, one man yelled, "Send him back to Ireland!" The senator chuckled, pausing his well-rehearsed stump speech. Glancing up at the crowd, he smiled, "That's good."

That's good. So good! Rafael "Ted" Cruz, who was born in Canada, wants to deport fourth-generation American Robert "Beto" O'Rourke to ... Ireland.

Stick a fork in this race, because it is DONE. Go on, Ted. Play us out now!


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[ Dallas News / Dallas News, again]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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