Bam! Rush Limbaugh Totally Cured Of Stage 4 Lung Cancer By Trump-Loving Preacher!
Rush Limbaugh, as you probably know, has terminal cancer. I don't think it's right to say it's some kind of karma for him being a horrible person, as that would be a pretty big insult to all of the non-horrible people out there who have died of cancer and are nowhere near as evil as Rush Limbaugh, but I sure as hell will not miss him when he's gone.
But according to Christian Prophet/Kamala Harris Sex Dream Haver Lance Wallnau, the reason Rush is dying is not just because, you know, cancer, but because he was cursed by witches. Probably the same witches who did a spell on the entire country to make us all think racism and sexual assault are real problems we should care about. (Clearly not a very effective spell considering the large percentage of people it didn't work on.)
Also because the prayers of the 20 million people praying for Limbaugh have just been straight up weaksauce. They are all bad at praying, Wallnau says. Because if they were good at praying, like he is, Rush would be totally cured of cancer by now.
So Wallnau took it upon himself to take some time out from one of his sermons to pray for Rush to be healed of cancer — and what do you know? It worked! At least if you ask Lance Wallnau. To our knowledge, no one has checked in with Rush Limbaugh's oncologist yet.
Trump and Rush, these are the frontline warriors and I'll tell you what. There's curses, witches. Witches don't just target — matter of fact I'd wonder if they really even target a bunch of pentecostals — they're probably not as threatening as Donald Trump, Rush Limbaugh, and Mark Levin and look at Dan Bongino, has lymphoma, cancer, he just came out with this. We have to cover these warriors because they are actually like secular prophets.
Rush says "Hey man," the doctors are telling him there's no way out. Well, you have to have all the same steps for a disaster in order to have a miracle. So right now in the name of Jesus, I do not accept the fact that 20 million people are praying and everybody says to Rush when they call him, "We're praying for you, we're praying for you!"
Well I don't know what kind of prayers people are praying. Probably praying weak prayers.
He then explained that the correct way of praying is the Pentecostal way of praying, where furniture goes flying around the room and the police have to come because someone heard you and wigged out. He knows some guy's mom whose cancer was cured that way, so obviously it works.
So Lance did this whole long-ass prayer that I actually did transcribe almost entirely until there were no more complete sentences coming out of his mouth.
Father, in the name of Jesus, we take authority over that demon of cancer. We take authority over the death sentence that has been brought by hell on this man. Lord, he is summoning all the strength in his being to put on a bold face, to serve your people. He wakes up every day just to serve, to edify, strengthen and speak truth to his nation.
Now Father, I pray in the name of Jesus, that your powerful hand will come down. We bind that spirit of death, that cancer. Lord we tear up that assignment right now in Jesus' sname. We simply tear up the assignment that is against him, every curse, every vex, spell that has been brought on him is broken by the blood of Jesus Christ. Lord we wrap our arms around this man right now. We command peace to overtake his mind.
We speak to your body. We command life to come in. Lord I pray. I pray that he's prayed at least the sinner's prayer, that he has a relationship with you that's strong enough so that he can be like the thief on the cross. Jesus can say "To this day you'll be with me in paradise."
Lord, I'm not asking for much, I'm praying for your holy spirit will take up residence in him and begin to launch out and devour the devourer! Destroy the cancer in his body! Devour that devourer in Jesus's name. We call for life.
Then he moved on from witches to zombies, very fairly pointing out that it is easier for alive people to stay alive than for dead people to come back to life.
In the name of Jesus, if we can raise the dead people, if we're told that we're supposed to cast out devils and raise the dead, well why can't you raise the living? It's easier to raise the living than to raise the dead!
So Father in Jesus's name, and you gift (?) ministries out there, always bragging and talking about miracles and signs and wonders? Get access to this man and show what you've got! Deliver some goods! I'm tired of hearing about miracles when we've got a person that needs one and we've got no one who can get it over to him. Let's go![…]
Lord this man is an authority. Twenty million people rely on him for guidance! He is a shepherd for 20 million people! Navigating through the complex matrix of hell and its propaganda system!
And my goodness, it just continues like that for so long. So, so long. He starts going on about how Jesus is a lamb but also a lion, which is weird because isn't he talking to Jesus? Like God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are the same person, so if you're talking to God you're also talking to Jesus, right? Or is it like Sybil where he can only talk to one at a time? I don't know. He then moves on to how he also wants God/Jesus to protect Dan Bongino and Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity and a bunch of other people, and then finally announces that he's reversing the curse on Rush's body.
So, that'll be nice for him, I guess.
Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you! If you love Wonkette, FUND WONKETTE.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse