Barack Obama and Other Persons Have Resolutions To Share
Like Jesus Christ, Official White House VideographerArun Chaudhary is generous in the extreme. His marvy White House propaganda tool West Wing Week is usually a breathless account of your handsomest president's every holy facial tic and sacred bowel movement. But this week, Arun pulls back the curtain and introduces us to some lesser-known public servants, including your authoress's future husband, Deputy Director of Oval Office Operations Brian Mosteller. Prepare to learn a bit about Barack and a shitload about the people in the White House who aren't Kenyan Muslins!
On Tuesday, Barack Obama came back from vacationing on top of the Dome of the Rock, his second-favorite spiritual home. (His first-favorite is Mecca, where he spends his birthday making hummus from the blood of the children of AIPAC donors.) He signed 35 bills into law without reading any of them. As a result, abortion is now legal everywhere for everyone EXCEPT rape victims, who are forced to bear their doomchildren and use Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann as birthing coaches. Also, all the roads in Real Amurka must be paved with candy so that even your stupid bloated car gets Type II diabetes.
Other stuff happened this week, like Congress and that neon-hued beast reading El Constituto (this is what The Illegals call it, while they laugh and fap into their burritos), but "West Wing Week" does not get into that mess. Rather, your favorite weekly serial engages in hardcore pornography by telling us about different White House staffers' resolutions.
First up is White House Staffer of the Month Barack Obama (who wins this award every month, because he is great and also in charge.) His resolution is to do something good for America with the economies, maybe?
Then Robert Gibbs, who I find endearing in the extreme, tells us that he's going to eat healthier, exercise more and drink more water. Do you also feel like Robert Gibbs has body dysmorphia? Someone tell him he's handsome and give him a hug and a copy of Reviving Ophelia. Maybe this is why he is stepping down as Press Secretary, to deal with his body image issues and learn to love the Robert Gibbs he is right now, not some idealized Future Robert Gibbs. Or he's going to make a shitload of money without having to answer Jake Tapper's demands every morning.
After this, we meet some nice young women in the press office and also Valerie Jarrett and supermodel/Deputy Chief of Staff Mona Sutphen, all of whom say different things about hitting the gym (Jesus, everyone in this building needs to listen to "Free to Be You and Me"), reading more books (probably just Skinny Bitch over and over again), etc. Does Barack Obama mark fat areas of these peoples' bodies with a Sharpie during weekly inspections or something? Thankfully, Mona's hot assistant just wants to stop chewing the living fuck out of her cuticles. David Axelrod's assistant wants to try yoga, probably to work out the kinks in his back from being beaten by a two-by-four whenever Daddy is having a bad day.
We meet the sixteen-year-old triplets who work in the Outer Oval Office, and they are probably all very nice but I could not hear what "Katie" and my very handsome second-choice future husband "Reggie Love" were saying because OMG BRIAN MOSTELLER IS IN THIS PART. He is going to "cook more" (SQUEE!) maybe some halal food for his boss or some cookies for the Love of His Life, who he hasn't met yet but could meet anytime, really! If you are reading this and you work in the White House, like perhaps you are President Barack Hussein Obama, maybe casually stop by his office and be all, "So like, do you have a girlfriend or a wife? Do you like diminutive comediennes who will be PERFORMING IN D.C. THE WEEK OF VALENTINE'S DAY AND ARE AVAILABLE FOR PRIVATE ROMANTIC DATES?" He will "get it," because he is smart.
Have a good weekend, fuckfaces. Those of you unfortunate enough to live in the Northeast ought to enjoy being buried by a blanket of poison snow. I will be holed up in my Manhattan fortress, doing endless crunches in solidarity with Robert Gibbs and his merry band of self-hating fitness fanatics. I will also be reading a personal mash note from Brian Mosteller to email@example.com, probs. Def probs.
Sara Benincasa will really perform her comedy art in D.C. the "week of Valentine's Day," and also watches so much White House porn.