Barack Obama Can Slow-Jam Us ANY TIME. Your Weekly Top Ten.
What up, haters? It is Saturday, and you are probably thinking WHERE IS THE BABY PICTURE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE TOP OF THE TOP TEN POST? Well what happened was, first of all, your president, Barack Obama, slow-jammed the news with Jimmy Fallon on "The Tonight Show" and you should watch it. Also, no baby pictures because SHHHHHHH it is a secret, but there MIGHT be an extra special baby pictures extravaganza post coming from your editrix, but only if you are nice. You promise to act right and be sweet? Good. Jesus is watching, after all.
We are going to tell you the top ten stories in a sec, but first, if you have ALL THE MANY LOVES for your Wonkette, and you know the dick jokes and #information we provide you are $priceless, you should click this linky to toss us $5, $10 or $25, to support the very hard work we do for you every day! Because, sweetie darlings, even $priceless costs $money. So please help! By clicking here! With your moneys!
While you are pulling out your wallet, here's the traditional picture of Wonkette Baby Donna Rose being a scary lion! (DID WE MENTION MORE BABY PICS COMING LATER, BECAUSE OF A REALLY HAPPY "REASON"?)
YOU CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW.
Shall we now count down the top 10 stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé, ALLEGEDLY? Yes we shall!
1. WTF, can you even believe that Brock Turner's gal pal, who is in a band, defended her rapist buddy, and now nobody wants to listen to her band no more?
2. For real, you will need a cigarette after watching Elizabeth Warren stomp Donald Trump's nads (again).
3. That poor thin-skinned Donald Trump ATTEMPTED to respond to Hillary Clinton's foreign policy speech. AWWWWW.
4. According to editrix Rebecca, her vagina voted on Tuesday, and it was FANTASTIC. We didn't even know it was registered! #RIGGED
5. Y'all sure did love Nancy Pelosi trollin' and hatin' on Paul Ryan.
6. Lindsey Graham is two Jameson shots away from DIVA-SHRIEKING, "I'm with her, y'all!"
7. Texas A.G. tells former investigator to PLEASE shut up about Trump University lawsuit, PRETTY PLEASE.
8. Speaking of Hillary's foreign policy speech, it was pretty effin' badass.
9. Oh look, it is Brock Turner again. Did you read about what a fucking asswipe his dad is, and how he just thinks it's UNFAIR for his son to have to go to jail for SO LONG, when he only raped that girl for like 20 minutes? Fuck him.
10. Donald Trump yelled some more at that Messican judge, but he forgot One Weird Trick.
Yay, top ten!
OK, Wonkers, you have one task left and this is it. You need to sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, please! It's a great newsletter, where we send you secret jokes and promotions and sexxx chats. Do it! NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!
While you are doing that (AND SCROLLING BACK UP TO GIVE US $5, $15, or $25 BUCKS IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY) here is a picture of Justin Trudeau (the OTHER sexxxiest North American world leader) being cute as a button on "The Daily Show," because why not?
OK bye and keep your eyes peeled for the TOP SEEKRIT BABY PICTURES POST.