Gee whiz, not even plague-ridden rodents phaseBARACK OBAMA! It's true: Once upon a time young Barry Obama was talking on the telephone -- as Chicago lawyers often do -- when quite out of nowhere a grimy rat scurried across the floor and climbed up his leg.TONY REZKO had threatened to unleash the rats if the rent was ever late, but Barry thought he was just joshing and so did Barry's law partner BILL AYERS, who feared all species of vermin and instinctively jumped out the window. But Obama? Obama was cool as a cucumber, and offered the rat a smoke ...

TICK TOCK GOSSIP O'CLOCK:JOHN BOEHNER was relieved to learn that ORANGE PEOPLEfar outnumber not-orange people, which means he will probably survive the impending race war. Strength in numbers ... CHUCK GRASSLEY invites you to visit his website so that you can learn more about dangerous FDA-approved drugs and the numerous benefits of ingesting them rectally ... Poor MARK SANFORD spends most of the day picking his nose and wiping boogers all over the governor's mansion draperies, because what else can a broken heart do? ...

RONALD REAGAN was not your "typical man" -- men like him do not grow on trees like so much fruit. No, ma'am! When he was just an infant, Ronald's mother THETIS took him by the buttocks, and dipped him in the river Styx. And that is why Ronald Reagan was -- and still is! -- an American demigod, whose only known weakness was his anus. But that vulnerable anus would come back to haunt him again and again and again. And again. The End.

Riley Waggaman's WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com