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FeaturedJuly 03, 2015 02:15 PM
Barack Obama's Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week
Oh look at me, I'm Barack Obama, I did ALL these things:
- Delivered the most beautiful, most fitting eulogy possible for the nine Charleston murder victims, in a way we're not sure any other president in our lifetime would have been capable. AND sang "Amazing Grace" a cappella and in like nine different keys simultaneously!
- Gay-married the whole country THE SAME DAY. And to think, in 2008, some liberals were all "Obama hates the gays, I'm Sill-ary for Hillary!"
- Turned the White House gay, later that night!
- Signed some bills, whatever.
- Went on a playdate with the president of Brazil, who is a lady! They went to the park, to see the new Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial! Then they probably took selfies and giggled about who's boning who in the United Nations.
- Got a Brazilian sportsball sweatshirt, as a present, from the Brazilian president. He is not allowed to wear it, though, because he is
- Did a camp-out on the White House lawn with a bunch of Girl Scouts, which earned him the merit badge for being better than every other president at those type things. They sang songs! They did group hugs! They looked at the stars!
- Michelle Obama unilaterally declared war on the White House policy against Snapchat and Instagram and Facespace pics. She won this war, and now you can take pictures of yourself pretending to hump inside America's House.
- Obama gave America to Cuba, hooray!
- Went to Nashville to talk about how badass Obamacare is, and also how it totally still exists, because he WON THAT FUCKIN' FIGHT TOO.
- Extended overtime protections for Americans, which means more MONEYS for a lot of Americans!
Whew, nice week, Obama! What did YOU do this week, loser? Rearranged your Beanie Babies by how gay they are on the Kinsey scale, probably.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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