We've skipped stories today that would've sustained Wonkette forweeks in normal times. But these aren't normal times -- and before all these moments are lost in time, like tears in rain, let's have a special late-night WTF wrap-up edition: Barack's secret new dad, secret old aunt, secret "Flat Stanley" escapade, and more! You can't make up crazy like the crazy out there for real!

• How many people watched that Obamercial last night? Nearly 34 million!Last week, the most-watched prime-time show had 21 million viewers. So if this presidency thing doesn't work out, Obama can just do our national teevee show every night on every channel.
• Interesting that so many Americans would watch this suspicious character, Barack Obama, at the same time some wingnut blogger was weaving a tangled web of mental problems into the shocking and very plausible theory that Barack Obama is actually the only begotten son of Malcolm X. Fight the power.
• Meanwhile, crafty reporters discovered yet another distant relative on from Obama's grandpa's family -- you know, Malcolm X. She is a nice old lady who is fondly mentioned in Obama's book about seeking his African family members. So, obviously, conservative bloggers are outraged that Obama isn't illegally funneling campaign money to this old lady who seems content and happy for both her young relative and everybody, in general, even if she lives modestly.
• Oh, that creepy pin-eyed Joe the Plumber did end up giving a tepid endorsement to John McCain today. He told the crowd they should vote for the "real American," meaning McCain and not the negro. When will Joe the Plunger be arrested for some kind of horrible crime against children? You know it's coming.
• Meanwhile, a lot of white supremacists are supporting Barack Obama. Wait, what? See, white supremacists aren't all necessarily racists, some of them just don't want the races mixing or whatever. And Barack Obama is a pretty stand up guy, for a colored, and especially compared to that awful old John McCain. This is all in Esquire so it must be true?
• This second-grader at the Solomon Schechter Day School in Connecticut wrote a letter to Obama and included some little cut-out paper character called "Flat Stanley." Obama recognized this terrorist character from his youth, carried it around with him for a day, and wrote the kid a funny letter about hanging out with this paper doll, Flat Stanley. McCain did not answer his letter from the little boy.
• Oh hey, Ben & Jerry's ice-cream shop will give you a free scoop of ice cream if you vote for Obama.