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MOVE OVER, MEATBALL! Donald Trump has nominated a candidate for the attorney general position, which means Matthew Whitaker may soon no longer get to Meatball around the Department of Justice and loudly shout, "Carol! Hey Carol! This is just a friendly reminder that they are coming to install my EXCEPTIONALLY LONG PENIS TOILET for men who have EXCEPTIONALLY LONG PENISES like MY REMARKABLE PENIS today! You know how I like to eat a LUNCHABLE on the toilet without my KINGLY PENIS getting SOGGY!" (Possible paraphrase of a thing Matthew Whitaker might say.)

Confirming what the news has been speculating, Trump has chosen William Barr for the position, though we guess it's not official until he tweets it. (Oh hey look.) Trump announced the pick this morning, along with announcing that he's chosen en empty box of Kleenex from the Fox News studios to be our next ambassador to the United Nations. Let's look at the pros and cons to this William Barr character:


PROS to Barr's nomination are that he has had this job before, under dearly departed George H.W. Bush, which means he already knows where the bathroom is, so he won't always be like "Carol! Hey Carol! Where's the bathroom? You know how Daddy gets when he doesn't have his TOILET LUNCHABLE! I need to know where the bathroom is, Carol! CAROL!"

Barr is a former colleague and former boss of special counsel Robert Mueller, so theoretically he's aware that Mueller is the real thing, a serious operator, and that he's not playing around. (They worked together on the Lockerbie bombing investigation!) Also, Barr reportedly doesn't really want the job, so that's a plus, because anybody enthusiastic about serving the Trump administration is a dangerous pestilence unqualified to work in government. Another pro is that Trump really doesn't know Barr, which means he's not one the "best people" Trump likes to surround himself with.

There are CONS, though, like all of these things:

  • He thinks it was totally A-OK for Trump to fire James Comey, because Comey was very bad during the Hillary Clinton investigation, even though everybody with half a fucking brain cell knows Trump didn't fire Comey over his treatment of Hillary, but to obstruct justice in the Russia investigation.
  • He thinks Robert Mueller's team of prosecutors is TOO DEMOCRAT, a sentiment he shared in a report that fully seven out of 15 of Mueller's folks had donated to Democrats. That is almost half of them! WITCH HUNT! Everybody knows you should primarily be hiring Republicans at all times, in order to be fair to Republicans. Barr said he'd like to see "more balance" on Mueller's team.
  • He thinks it's fine for presidents to call for investigations into their political enemies, but stresses that DoJ should only do such investigations if the "matter warrants investigation." He's even called for investigations into the Clintons!
  • He, like a FUCKING IDIOT, thinks DoJ should be spending more time investigating HILLARY'S URANIUMS and less time investigating Trump's SO-CALLED ties to Russia. Key quote: "To the extent it is not pursuing these matters, the department is abdicating its responsibility." That's funny, because even Fox News knows the fake Hillary Russian uranium "scandal" is some cooked up bullshit. Oh yeah, and DoJ knows that too.
  • Obama ethics expert Norm Eisen notes that Barr was part of George H.W. Bush's big crazy #PardonParty at the end of his term, where Bush pardoned a whole buncha fuckers who could have testified against him in the Iran/Contra investigation. CAN'T IMAGINE HOW THAT MIGHT SET A BAD PRECEDENT IF HE'S TRUMP'S ATTORNEY GENERAL.
  • Oh yeah, did we mention Barr really wanted to fire the Iran-Contra special counsel Lawrence Walsh? We should mention that.
  • Barr has a pretty sweeping view of executive power, just like new Supreme Court Justice Rape Van and Donald Trump!

We don't know if Trump has begged for a loyalty oath from Bill Barr (he probably has), but the New York Times reports that Trump has been badgering Barr incessantly over whether he would recuse from the Russia investigation, because the president's brain is made of tertiary syphilis (allegedly). Of course, if Trump has been badgering him incessantly, that probably means Barr wouldn't give him any more than boilerplate answers on the subject. We have a feeling that if the ethics people at DoJ decide Barr's past statements on the Mueller investigation warrant his recusal, he will do it without telling Trump, the same way Brian Benczkowski, who heads DoJ's criminal division and has WEIRDASS ties to Alfa Bank, which figures prominently in the Trump-Russia investigation, recused himself without telling Trump.

(We are not certain, but we think that the reason DoJ won't give a straight answer on whether Meatball is recused for his obvious bias is that the ethics lawyers scared him straight, he recused, but they don't want President Syphilis Brain to know.)

Oh well, former US Attorney Barbara McQuade is saying on MSNBC that Barr is a grown-up, and that he will take his job seriously, and that at least he's not calling the Mueller investigation a "witch hunt," so maybe he is not a total fucking meatball like Acting Attorney General Meatball, so who knows.

Regardless, Democrats need to go after this fucker hard in his confirmation hearings. He may not be the worst person Trump could have picked, but he's a Trump pick, so you just know he fucking sucks.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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