Be Thankful For All The Nice Things!
Here at Casa Zoom, we capped off a week of impeachment hearings by coming down with a cold. Not one of those knock-you-on-your-ass colds that decisively sends you to bed because you're completely useless, just a sleazy insinuating cold that leaves you feeling like turds but more or less functional enough that you think you should just shrug it off but you also don't wanna do anything. It's not even an interesting enough cold to bother describing, is the kind of cold it is. So we're ready for some Nice Things, too, dammit.
Dok's Cat Update
For instance, my cat Thornton (he arrived with the name, we don't know whether his prior owner was a fan of the playwright or not). A few weeks back, I noticed that Thornton had responded to the heat being turned on in my building by curling up on the one bare patch of carpet near the heating vent. Pardon the clutter; I DID get the glass recycling out to the bin not long after.
So I thought I'd do the cat a solid and get him a nice kitty bed to lie on and wouldn't that be fun? At least I got a pretty good tweet out of the result:
1: Notice cat has taken to sleeping near the heater vent. 2: Get cat a comfy bed with built-in "cave." 3: https://t.co/WgcJ9ndruJ— Doktor Zoom (@Doktor Zoom) 1572887106.0
People replied with a lot of suggestions, like maybe letting the bed outgas for a few days in the garage, which in my case I have not got, or sprinkling some catnip on the bed, or folding back the "cave" part. The catnip at least went over well, and now Thornton kneads happily away on the bed. Will he lie on it? Heck no!
Eventually, you just do what you do with a cat: Let him do as he pleases. Now he has a big catnip toy to knead and a nice bit of bare carpet to sleep on. Just need to buy a new 40-pound box of litter to replicate the clutter cave he liked at the start. Glob knows we'll use it.
Also, LOL cassette tapes, what am I gonna do with THOSE?
Donald Trump Rants And Best Internet Practices
We generally try to keep this a Trump-free space on Sunday, but for exceptional internet silliness, we'll make an exception. The Great Man wanted everyone to know he'd told Gordon Sondland he wanted NOTHING from Ukraine, NOTHING:
President Trump: "I say to the Ambassador in response: 'I want nothing, I want nothing. I want no quid pro quo. Tel… https://t.co/yi5Hh7eRmx— The Hill (@The Hill) 1574336700.0
Thank god for clever people who are good with music and video!
The very best of the remixes was this Ramones version by Alex Kliment:
somebody on twitter today: trump's weird hand-scrawled denial today sounds like a ramones song. me: https://t.co/mynZjx0E0M— Alex Kliment (@Alex Kliment) 1574298496.0
But we liked Nick Lutsko's moody emo version too!
Emo Trump recites poem on White House lawn https://t.co/rAD3xRjX4L— Nick Lutsko (@Nick Lutsko) 1574286363.0
Patton Oswalt tweeted the photo of Trump's notes with the caption "Morrissey voice," and inspired not one but TWO Morrissey parodies:
Inspired by @pattonoswalt , here's Trump's notes as if Morrissey wrote them into song, performed by me https://t.co/Emka5wVwzM— Appa the Flying 🅱ison (@Appa the Flying 🅱ison) 1574289925.0
.@pattonoswalt made a tweet that showed Trump’s handwritten notes and the caption was simply “Morrissey voice:”.… https://t.co/JYFvCLKJZk— RuPaul Giamatti (@RuPaul Giamatti) 1574316605.0
I'm tempted to say there's NOTHING more to do with the rant, but surely there are variations by "Alanis Morissette" or "Tori Amos" yet to be done, huh? Or for that matter, Depeche Mode already had a song with that title.
Fortunately for you, my own creative efforts are limited to bad photoshoops.
Nice Things Cry Time!
Sometimes Yr Editrix offers Nice Things story ideas.
And so we looked at the link and yes, it is such a sweet idea and it makes such obvious sense, and no we do not care if it's from March of this year, and mostly aggregated from a Facebook post by the Doctors Medical Center in Modesto, California. The hospital 'splains,
Last year, we introduced our little black Mercedes. Now we have a pink Volkswagen Beetle! These sweet rides take our smallest patients to the operating room. The goal is to reduce anxiety and stress, and make the experience less scary for everyone involved. Doesn't hurt to have options, right?
Are there videos, too? Well of course there are!
But no sound, we assume by design. Your computer/phone is not broken.
People magazine picked the story up too, and notes the idea came from "pre-op nurse Kimberly Martinez, who did research and found the cars have a lasting impact on young patients." so we googled a bit and found this is becoming a semi-common sort of thing. People also notes that both cars are "equipped with a stereo and a collection of preloaded music and an MP3 player, which the kids can operate themselves or by remote control."
Good on anything hospitals can do to make their youngest patients less scared! As of yet, we've seen no stories of hospitals shocking parents with unexpected bills for out-of-network kiddie cars.
More recently. the medical center had David Victor, of the band Boston, come do music therapy, and the photos gave us More Than a Feeling:
You Wouldn't Want To Disappoint Greta, Would You?
Earlier this month, Haaretz ran a piece on a trendlet in Israel: Cafeterias and break rooms posting photos of a solemn Greta Thunberg to remind people not to waste supplies.
A trend in Tel Aviv workplace cafeterias - photos of a judgemental Greta Thunberg next to disposable utensils. Here… https://t.co/a209OKP2Ts— Allison K. Sommer (@Allison K. Sommer) 1572985988.0
It's a neat idea, but needs a better name than "Greta shaming," which sounds to me like someone's shaming Ms. Thunberg. Plenty of that shit on Twitter already.
And Now We Just Shovel In Nice Stuff From Twitter!
You should follow Dana Schwartz; she's hella funny.
Why is my cat sitting like he’s Don Draper reclining on a couch https://t.co/xhUH5fEQ9V— Dana Schwartz (@Dana Schwartz) 1574545814.0
What do you do when you keep bees but you also have a pet vulture? You have to let the poor thing look forlorn for a while, for the sake of the honey.
We can't have him inside while we extract honey, so he's had to stay in the sun porch a few nights. Whenever I go b… https://t.co/cf3IsEx4D5— Foxfeather Zenkova (@Foxfeather Zenkova) 1571601830.0
Also, a pretty, dainty demon, who the tweeter advises is the work of Reverend George Liddell Johnston, in "The Illustrated Alphabets" (1875).
when you're an infernal demon eternally stoking the fires of the pit, but you also like pretty dresses https://t.co/Hr0hjQMqBm— Mlle Ghoul (@Mlle Ghoul) 1573924526.0
Somebody in Australia found a doggo in their garden. It turned out to be not just any dog! Also hella cute:
A dingo IS the baby! https://t.co/igkILaWl2e— Doktor Zoom (@Doktor Zoom) 1572987981.0
Cats are cats are cats:
@AwwwwCats @Niyologist La famille des félins 🐾🐯🦁🐱🐾🐅💕 https://t.co/DA9unkHC9p— lotus (@lotus) 1570735877.0
Also, a thread of great newspaper corrections:
Greatest. Correction. Ever. https://t.co/smNLzUHwAT— Daniel Brogan (@Daniel Brogan) 1573511967.0
My personal favorite correction:
Also too, from a Wonker:
But this might be the actual bestest:
Also, baby and doggies!
Twitter needs this 😊 https://t.co/sQUVsP9OTW— Buitengebieden (@Buitengebieden) 1573916605.0
We understand there is a subreddit called Illegally Smol Cats. I will definitely have to feature it some time! For now, here is a very smol kitty from Twitter:
Just a little warm phone #HappyCatsClub #cat #kitten #meow #catsoftwitter https://t.co/efeWmTbxbm— Happy Cats Club (@Happy Cats Club) 1574608159.0
And that's it for today! Have a cozy warm Sunday wherever you are, and watch out for stupid boring colds. If you're driving next week, buckle up and be safe, the roads are full of maniacs. We love you!
Yr Wonkette is supported entirely by reader donations. Helping us keep the lights on and pay the writers would be a very nice thing indeed!
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.