Beloved Weiner-Twitterer Anthony Weiner Resigns From Congress
Anthony Weiner is crazy for girls and crazy for Twitter, two things that do not go well together, especially when you're a married congressman who can't stop taking pictures of your dick and sending them to the entire Internet. So, after who knows how many weeks of Weinergate, Anthony Weineris resigning from Congress. We're betting those voters from his district who originally said, "Eh, let's keep him, he's good at going on teevee and talking about himself," eventually changed over to, "Oh for god's sake, quit already, and keep it in your pants for a while, iPhone sex creep." Even Barack Obama took a moment from authorizing the bombing of all other countries to say, "Hey, Weiner? You are now officially messing with my business, which is shaking liberal millionaires down for campaign contributions. Get lost." Good-bye, Anthony Weiner, history's first Twitter-Congress casualty.
How things have changed in our dumb world! Just a few years ago, Wonkette was writing about another congressman who loved the intersection of technology and jacking off: Mark Foley. Do you know what Foley used to seduce his younglings? Some ancient technology called "AOL Instant Messenger." Nobody today even remembers how it worked, but ancient cached Google pages suggest you connected "Windows 95" to a pager (?) and then somehow suggested the existence of your genitals without a Smart Phone, amazingly. Also, Mark Foley resigned pretty much as soon as he was caught. And, you know, Foley was actually a closeted gay who was sort of known as being gay and wasn't that big of a jerk, as a human. What we mean is, for all the mockery directed at Mark Foley and his AIM chats with younger gentlemens, he didn't lie to the whole Earth for a month and bring immense shame to a wife and unborn child.
Speaking of wives, it seems Weiner's pregnant wife is the one who "allowed" him to resign. Hahaha we bet she is going to "allow" him to do some other stuff, too, like agree to whatever divorce/alimony/child support plan her lawyers come up with, no arguments allowed, no replies on Twitter.
Good-bye, Weiner! Thanks for the lulz! [Los Angeles Times]