Ben Carson Says Grace Before Mike Pence Eats Trump's Ass

Caption contest, everyone?

As we are typing this, Donald Trump has gathered most of the GOP members of Congress on the White House lawn to give each other dick pats over how they passed a tax scam "cut" (for enormously rich people only), killed off one of the fundamental pillars of Obamacare (which will make healthcare more expensive and might kill your grandma!), and probably just tanked the American economy for a good decade. He's got South Carolina Senator Tim Scott right up front with him, so the event doesn't look too much like a Klan rally, and also too there are some women, because Trump cherishes women.

But before all that rigamarole, Trump had a CABINET MEETING, and oh what fun it was! For the first 12 minutes or so, Trump gave HIMSELF a dick pat about all his "accomplishments." Once you've seen that show, you've seen it, so no need to spend a bunch of time telling you what he said. The fun part came after that, when he asked Ben Carson to say "grace," because "grace" is what you say before "Cabinet meetings." (Start 12 minutes in, like we said two sentences ago, can you even read?)

Ben Carson thanked Jesus for Donald Trump and the rest of the Cabinet and Congress and tax cuts and please bless all the people Ben Carson allegedly stabbed when he was a youth, AMEN.

After that, we learned why Donald Trump, Tremendous Devout Christian, might have referred to Carson's prayer as "grace," even though "grace" is what you say before partaking in a meal (and not just any random prayer, Trump, you idiot), and it is because it was Mike Pence's turn to EAT DONALD TRUMP'S ASS FOR BREAKFAST. You know how part of their arrangement is that Trump makes fun of Pence for being a dork Jesus freak and praying all the time, and in return Pence is required to grovel and worship at Trump's orange teat, even though he might be secretly planning a coup? This was part of that.

So Trump looked at Mike Pence like this:

And Pence started a prayer of his own:

Our Donald, who art right there across from me at this table, lookin' orange and sexxxy,

Hallowed be thy strong and masculine hands,

Thy Mexico wall get built

Thy chosen pussy get grabbed,

Either here in the White House or maybe if you are at Mar-A-Lago and there is some grade-A pussy there, oh no Mike Pence is not supposed to say the P-word!

Give us this day our tax cuts for the people in this room but not for the poors or the blacks, ew gross! You're cool Ben Carson. No homo, though.

And forgive us our fake news,

As we forgive those who fake news against us,

For thine is the biggest most historic electoral victory, the power to fire Robert Mueller because he is not your real dad, and the glory of just being Donald Trump, oh mercy what's that like?

Forever and ever,


OK maybe we paraphrased that a li'l bit. But it might as well be what Pence said. He blathered on and on for three minutes, licking Trump's ass with a compliment every 12 seconds, according to the Washington Post's calculations.

It was the grossest thing we have ever seen, at least in the last two hours of the Trump presidency.

Anyway, for your open thread, please have a caption contest for the two pictures featured in this post. As usual, we will neglect to pick a winner, on account of we forgot.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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